Today is a lesson in social media. I consider myself somewhat of an expert. So you should listen to me. And if you’re getting mad as you read this, then the lesson was directed 100% at you (you know who you are).
Do you know what’s my favorite part about Facebook? The relationship status updates. Genius idea, Creators of Facebook!
You know what I’m talking about. The girl finally dumps the asshole and 5 people “Like” it. Maybe some dude even comments that he wants to date her now.
It’s always on again, off again, now it’s complicated, and finally they decide to break up — only to have a marriage link to each other two days later (accompanied by drunken Las Vegas photos and confessions of their undying love for each other).
All the haters just hate on us because we’re so happy! You didn’t think we’d make it, but we did!
Um. No. They hate on you because they think you’re acting stupid right now. Stop putting your business out there.
I know what you’re thinking, Meredith, you sometimes write about your vagina. You are no one to tell me to stop putting my business out there.
In my defense, my vagina is sometimes hilarious. I write to entertain you. Your Facebook updates are also entertaining, but in the wrong way.
You know that bitch from high school that you hated? Or how about the one you are too good to talk to at the gym? These chicks live for this. They love seeing you on this emotional roller coaster. As a matter of fact, they are probably chatting about you right now!
What you need to do if you’re breaking up constantly is go to your “Profile” and remove that update from your wall. It is now down, and no one can see it and make fun of you for giving it one more shot (when we all know it’s going to over next week for the 100th time).
On the topic of relationships, I also don’t “Like” seeing teenagers upload photos of themselves dry humping each other. I get it, you’re in love for the first time ever. Stop puking your love photos all over my News Feed.
I could have gone a lifetime without seeing that picture of your tongues touching.
See how grossed out that photo makes you? Old people get that grossed out about seeing young people going at it.
I would tell you to get a room, but it’s obvious that you are in a bed with this girl in her room. I can see sheets in the background as you have your left arm raised to snap the photo of you two.
My dad would have kicked my ass from here to next week if I had posted those photos at your age. Or now. Yes, he would still kick my ass now if I took make out photos and posted them anywhere.
In conclusion, my social media lesson of the day is as follows:
- Everyone wants to see your crazy relationship status updates to make fun of you. Don’t allow them to make fun of you.
- No one wants to see kids making out. It’s weird and uncomfortable. And your father would be ashamed of you.
What do you hate seeing about relationships on Facebook?
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not a fan of people adding in friends as their spouses or family. I’ve only seen it done by my teenage cousins, and those kids are pretty dumb, so I can’t complain about the shallow-minded too much.
YES! And they say they are brothers and sisters, cousins and aunts, and I think… NO! I AM YOUR COUSIN! NOT THAT ASIAN GUY!
Amen sister!
I can’t handle people airing all kinds of drama all over fb. Like getting into catfights over the interwebz. Or vaguebooking annoys me. Here is an example, “Get over yourself. I don’t even care what you think of me.” It is calling out a person without actually naming them. And if you didn’t care what people thought of you, then you would not bother posting that. Ugghh.
Yes! “My brother is going to brun your house down.” It just MAKES you want to know. Is it my house? Is he coming to burn my house down? I need names in this situation.
OMG but how much fun is it to change your status from “married” to “it’s complicated” on April Fools Day? Seriously, I wish I could see my mother in law’s reaction to that status update in person!
Best. Joke. Ever.
THANK YOU!!! I was needing an April Fools!! How funny!! I know…I AM WAY BEHIND!!! i am sure that is old as the hills, but in rural Alabama it will be funny!! :0)
I am totally doign this tomorrow. FIY – I stole your idea, Jia!
Just saw it on Facebook. I was gonna comment with, “I’m totally taking credit for this.” But then some random passerby might be all, “You broke up their marriage?!” LMAO. On second, thought, I might do that later, hehe.
i found out my mil signs in under a friends account to see what’s going on…lame-o. my mom got her own acct to do the very same thing.
& if any of the teens i know pull that crap I’M gonna kick their ass into next week!!!
My mom is getting ready to retire. She wants to get on Twitter. This would be so bad for me.
I personally hate the people who tell you “oh I”m just going to hang at home tonight” and then while you ARE hanging out at home (on facebook, of course) you see them ‘check in’ at a local bar/club. And they start uploading pictures with tags like “Having the time OF MY LIFE”. Um, HELLO! I wasn’t just being nosey, I wanted to go out and have the time of my life too, douche!
Hahaha! I am that person. And then I have to remember not to put anything on FB all night.
I wish the couple I know who are no longer together would stop being friends w/ each other on FB. I wince every time I see one of them post something about their old relationship, or them getting back together and breaking up again and again and again. Or seeing the ex-gf’s relationship status change to a relationship WITH SOMEONE ELSE. It’s just so awkward for everyone to see.
Yes! When you’re done be done. You’ve already beat that dead horse.
To be fair, those status updates are life blood to those of us who lack cable television LMAO.
I “Like” that outlook on it, Jia!
I never knew there was this much drama on FB. I obviously don’t know the right people.
Come to my News Feed anytime. There is always plenty going on.
I hate, hate, hate when people take arm’s length photos of themselves and then post them. Or pictures of themselves taking a picture in the mirror. Hello!?!?! Nothing says “I have zero friends in real life” like taking your own picture!
waiting for Meredith’s comment on this one…..
AND HERE IT IS:
http://www.lifescrazyjoke.com/a-public-service-announcement/
Enjoy!
The need for social interaction and acceptance is human nature. Facebook gives people this outlet. Actually, you are the needed shoulder to lean on, a cheap unexpecting psycologist to your “friends.” So pat yourself on the back because this “puking” has afforded your friends the social peace of mind that they’ve always wanted….a sense of being accepted by others (a your expense)!
—–Will Farrell (Old School)
Brother, you are so funny.
I have so many…
1. People who put up HUNDREDS of pictures of their dogs/cats. I have a friend that puts at least 3 or 4 a DAY.
2. People who talk about their kids constantly. I could care less if your baby just crapped all down his leg.
3. People who talk constantly about food and post pictures of every meal they eat.
4. Games and people who post every acheivment they just made in the games they play.
5. People who only post to complain about something.
6. People who post numerous YouTube vidoes. I understand one or two but if my whole feed is full of them, it is a little excessive.
1. Yikes, this is me.
2. Yikes, that is me.
People that go to your wall, see that you posted a comment on someone else’s page, so they go read that comment, and then they come back to your wall and post random shit about that comment. If you’re going to stalk someone, at least do it right.
My husbadn’s ex wife (who he is not freinds with on FB – or at all for that matter) once wrote on his wall at 2:45am. Pretty sure she was drunk (it was New Years Eve) since she wrote, “Haooy New Year!”
Oops. I think she forgot she was stalking him.
I cannot stand people who either constantly quote sappy song lyrics as their status updates (esp in relation to dating drama). Find a thought and own it.
This isn’t a relationship issue and is a FB issue rather than the folks on it, but I cannot stand having my recent activity posted on a wall. Different friends, different conversations… my uber-religious aunt does not need to see some of the strange commentary that goes on.
Rah, rah, ah, ah, ah
Roma, roma, ma
Gaga, ooh la la
Want your bad romance
Like that?
That’s young love at it’s finest, right there.
my 15 year old cousin constantly complains about her mom(who is her friend on fb). it’s pretty hilarious, she once complained about how her mom could never ‘put the bottle down’ for ONE family get together. it was sad & funny at the same time.
also. i had to hide an old high school friend because the pictures he posted of him and his wife making out in bed and it was SUPER obvious they were naked. those pictures grossed me the fuck out…they even made me throw up in my mouth a little.
AND the vague status update…i DESPISE, HATE, LOATHE them. if you’re posting “going downtown to meet with the lawyer” expect to get asked what the hell for!! :/
OMG. He posted his cropped home porn. That is hilarious!
How do you hide someone?
Hover over a post on your wall by that person. A little black/grey “x” should appear in the upper right hand area over that post. Click it. You have options!
I think some of my favourites are the older generation that hasn’t quite figured out how to work FB yet. I called my Mother the day after my birthday and said, “Wow, thanks for wishing me a happy birthday.” And she said, “I said it to you on Facebook and you never responded!”
Yeah, turned out she did say it on Facebook. As her status update. Without tagging me.
This post? Is why I blocked all of my real family on facebook. I just stick to living vicariously through my gay friends.
I have a handful of FB friends that I keep around just because I enjoy reading their amusing status updates. One of them has an on/off relationship with her boyfriend, they break up, she moves out, posts it all over FB and a week later she is moving back in and they are on vacation together, only to come back to Ohio and break up again. Another one is just borderline nuts and posts all about how crazy she is all over FB, one time she posted how she hadn’t pooped in weeks, that was a good one.
Hi Meredith–
You talk about your vagina? Cool! I’m new here, so I’ll have to check out the literary splendor.
I work in mental health–yes, that godforsaken biz of head-shrinker-y (or h8r-shrinker-y for the passive-aggressive hostile types:p), and I’ve seen FB make it’s way into the therapy room a lot.
It’s sad, and yes, at times, gross, when others post pics of their exploits. On a more serious note, many of the young ppl I see are feeling worse about themselves due to FB profiles, status updates, and compromisingly-positioned images.
There have been FB studies (albeit, informal and non-scientific) re: viewers feelings of themselves that show increased anxiety and depression, and a skewed belief in their own happiness and relationship b/c “everyone else has friends, is in a happy relationship, is socially-savvy….,” etc.
Yep–I totally blame the parents when the young-ins post their sleaze.
Amongst the list of things I am most grateful for (pinot grigio, Thin Mints, friends, etc) is this: FB WAS NOT AROUND WHEN I HAD MY FIRST BOYFRIEND. Seriously. Thank you Gd.
Ha Ha .. I deleted my facebook finally because all the updates and statuses were nothing but bullshit about how so and so is getting married and the next week shes in love with someone else, and people talking shit to me and really stupid song lyrics LOL. Now that i dont have a FB I get more homework done, have a lot of free time, and go to bed at a decent time. The only thing I miss is when I was in an awkward situation I would just scroll through FB on my phone to make it seem like I dont feel out of place or whatever, now I have to pretend like im texting someone. LOL
I am that girl at the gym who’s not good enough to be talked to…I LOVE THESE FREAKING UPDATES!!! There are several individuals in particular on my Facebook that this TOTALLY applies to. And I’m not going to lie, when it gets to a certain point, I’m a total bitch and I comment the hell out of them.
You know, I dont know if its just me, but Im always seeing the weirdest things in pictures, that most people dont see (until I point it out, and they’re like, “O.M.Gawwwwwdddd”) So here goes the pointing…. you see the two lower cabinets with the two white knobs, semi-parallel to the guys butt? It actually looks like that Sesame Street character (or is it Fraggle Rock)…brown, two googly eyes, elephant trunk… Does anybody else see this, or do I need to up my dosage and put in a vacation request?