Yesterday, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire came to Toledo, Ohio to find possible contestants.
I wasn’t even aware they were in town until I overheard some coworkers talking about it.
You know what would be fun? It would be fun if we all went over there after work today and auditioned!
My coworkers agreed with me. That WOULD be fun. However, when the workday ended, no one thought it seemed like that much fun anymore.
So I went by myself.
When I got there, a producer came over to my section of the long line of people, and he told us we had made it just in time. We were the last group that would get screened in Toledo. He told the rest of the line to go home.
Here’s how it works when you audition for Millionaire:
1. They herd you into a big room like cattle.
2. You sit in the big room for about 30 minutes, and no one tells you anything, except to stay seated.
I used this time to tell Facebook and Twitter I was maybe going to be very rich, very soon. I also attempted to chat it up with the girl next to me (who was trying to read a book). She didn’t seem like she really wanted to talk to me, but I didn’t care. I assumed someone was probably secretly watching the room to see who was friendly and social. TV producers are sneaky.
3. A producer finally comes in the room (probably the same one who was probably secretly watching us) and tells everyone to move to a new room.
4. On the way to the new room, you are given a large manila envelope with a number on it, and you’re told not to open it under any circumstances until you’re instructed to do so. My number was 164.
5. You are then seated at a table with a pencil and a Scantron sheet. Everyone at my table began writing their name and number on the Scantron. But not me! No one told us to write anything yet, and I figured it was another test. You won’t fool me, Millionaire producers!
6. They tell you to write your name and number on the Scantron.
7. They tell you that inside the envelope is a 30 question test. You have 10 minutes to complete the test. And then they give instructions on how to use a Scantron.
Looking around the room, I was willing to bet that some people may not have taken a test before today. It was very… People of Walmart.
8. You take the test and turn it in to the producers.
9. They leave you in the testing room and come back 10 minutes later to announce who is making it through to interview with the producers.
Okay, at this point, I’m figuring I had nailed this thing. I was friendly, I was smiling, I could follow directions, I was wearing a cute sundress, my hair looked pretty, my mom breastfed me as a baby (which makes people smarter as adults), and I knew the answers to almost all of the questions.
If they were secretly testing me and actually testing me, there was NO WAY I wasn’t getting on the show.
10. They tell us if our number is called, to go to another room, a room where we will be screened in a face-to-face interview. If we’re chosen to become contestants, we will then be put into a contestant pool for two years. They randomly draw contestants for each show from that pool.
We have the numbers! The first one through is number 152!
Please, hold your applause until the end. Number 83! Number 6! Number 32!
She called four numbers. I just knew I was getting through. I knew all of the questions (but two of them).
The prime meridian goes up and down. The equator goes across. Minnesota is the Land of 1,000 Lakes. “Crunk” is a hip-hop term. Two spiders, a bear, and an ostrich have a total of 22 legs.
This is the last number for Toledo! If you’re not called, you can keep your Millionaire pencil as a consolation prize.
And the number is…
I was so nervous and excited! This must be how they feel in the Hunger Games. Only reversed. Please, God! Let her call my number!
And the number is….
OMG, YOU GUYS!
And the number is 167!
I didn’t make it through. I got one question I had guessed correct. Zod is a nemesis of Superman. However, Gaddafi did NOT keep a photo album of Sarah Palin. DAMN YOU, GADDAFI!
Condoleezza Rice screwed me out of a million dollars.
This just goes to show, I watch too little news and too much Dora the Explorer. I may never be a millionaire. But at least I have a new pencil.