Yesterday, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire came to Toledo, Ohio to find possible contestants.
I wasn’t even aware they were in town until I overheard some coworkers talking about it.
You know what would be fun? It would be fun if we all went over there after work today and auditioned!
My coworkers agreed with me. That WOULD be fun. However, when the workday ended, no one thought it seemed like that much fun anymore.
Jerks.
So I went by myself.
When I got there, a producer came over to my section of the long line of people, and he told us we had made it just in time. We were the last group that would get screened in Toledo. He told the rest of the line to go home.
Here’s how it works when you audition for Millionaire:
1. They herd you into a big room like cattle.
2. You sit in the big room for about 30 minutes, and no one tells you anything, except to stay seated.
I used this time to tell Facebook and Twitter I was maybe going to be very rich, very soon. I also attempted to chat it up with the girl next to me (who was trying to read a book). She didn’t seem like she really wanted to talk to me, but I didn’t care. I assumed someone was probably secretly watching the room to see who was friendly and social. TV producers are sneaky.
3. A producer finally comes in the room (probably the same one who was probably secretly watching us) and tells everyone to move to a new room.
4. On the way to the new room, you are given a large manila envelope with a number on it, and you’re told not to open it under any circumstances until you’re instructed to do so. My number was 164.
5. You are then seated at a table with a pencil and a Scantron sheet. Everyone at my table began writing their name and number on the Scantron. But not me! No one told us to write anything yet, and I figured it was another test. You won’t fool me, Millionaire producers!
6. They tell you to write your name and number on the Scantron.
7. They tell you that inside the envelope is a 30 question test. You have 10 minutes to complete the test. And then they give instructions on how to use a Scantron.
Looking around the room, I was willing to bet that some people may not have taken a test before today. It was very… People of Walmart.
8. You take the test and turn it in to the producers.
9. They leave you in the testing room and come back 10 minutes later to announce who is making it through to interview with the producers.
Okay, at this point, I’m figuring I had nailed this thing. I was friendly, I was smiling, I could follow directions, I was wearing a cute sundress, my hair looked pretty, my mom breastfed me as a baby (which makes people smarter as adults), and I knew the answers to almost all of the questions.
If they were secretly testing me and actually testing me, there was NO WAY I wasn’t getting on the show.
10. They tell us if our number is called, to go to another room, a room where we will be screened in a face-to-face interview. If we’re chosen to become contestants, we will then be put into a contestant pool for two years. They randomly draw contestants for each show from that pool.
We have the numbers! The first one through is number 152!
*everyone claps*
Please, hold your applause until the end. Number 83! Number 6! Number 32!
She called four numbers. I just knew I was getting through. I knew all of the questions (but two of them).
The prime meridian goes up and down. The equator goes across. Minnesota is the Land of 1,000 Lakes. “Crunk” is a hip-hop term. Two spiders, a bear, and an ostrich have a total of 22 legs.
This is the last number for Toledo! If you’re not called, you can keep your Millionaire pencil as a consolation prize.
And the number is…
I was so nervous and excited! This must be how they feel in the Hunger Games. Only reversed. Please, God! Let her call my number!
And the number is….
OMG, YOU GUYS!
Scroll down!
Keep scrolling!
Keep scrolling!
Keep scrolling!
And the number is 167!
I didn’t make it through. I got one question I had guessed correct. Zod is a nemesis of Superman. However, Gaddafi did NOT keep a photo album of Sarah Palin. DAMN YOU, GADDAFI!
Condoleezza Rice screwed me out of a million dollars.
This just goes to show, I watch too little news and too much Dora the Explorer. I may never be a millionaire. But at least I have a new pencil.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Lol, sorry you didn’t get on the show! But hey! It made for an entertaining read anyway.
what a fabulous experience. I laughed out loud in public reading your post. thank you!
Actually while you were waiting in that room they were checking your Klout score.
I KNEW IT!
I’m a 66. That’s effing HUGE.
You are still famous to me!
Gotta share a “joke” my asshole brother texted me:
—————————-
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
“Yes,” she replied.
Then I said, “Alright then, I’m going to phone a friend.”
—————————–
I texted cute kitty pictures to my brother for the next two hours
**high fives your brother**
Boo! I tried to get my husband to go try out but he couldn’t get out of work. Plus if he did he would’ve most likely been one of the few that didn’t make it in the door. I am definitely not smart enough to make it if you didn’t. I watch too much reality tv and porn. Oops.
If I could get someone who is lucky to go on Wheel of Fortune with me and do the wheel spinning, I could totally rock that out…otherwise, I’d go home in the hole somehow.
Minnesota has 10,000 lakes.
That is exactly what I was going to say!!
Okay, I “sort of” knew that one. It for sure wasn’t Michigan or Florida.
Gah! Gaddafi was such an asshole! At least they let you keep a pencil?!
I’m pretty sure that they *don’t* want smart, attractive people on that show. They want a Ma and Pa Clampett because everyone knows hillbillies are more interesting to watch on television. (That’s the only way to explain Jeff Foxworthy’s career.)
Basically, you’re too damned intelligent for the show.
When it came to Canada, you had to call in a 1-800 number during a certain time and if you got through to the number, you had like, ten other people on the line and you had to do the super fast round thing they do at the beginning of the show to see how quickly you can be smart. The top two people got through.
I didn’t make it.
And I was really sad because I had big plans for that million dollars and I was also breastfed.
Plus, they don’t let Canadians audition for Survivor so I’m pretty much screwed.
Flash mob. Join a flash mob.
I don’t know how that helps, but that’s my best advice.
I would have done all of that for a free pencil. Twice.
You don’t even want to know what I would have done for a pen or a coffee mug.