Shaun and I have decided each year to hold an Ugly Christmas Sweater party. Mainly because they’re awesome parties to host, and I love being awesome. And also my mom gave me an ugly Christmas sweater in real life, under the assumption that I’d add it to my work attire.
Sorry, Mom. I wore your hand-me-down sweater to our party.
We hired a DJ, and once he figured out that we are old, and we don’t know all the latest rap songs, and this was to be run like an elite high school dance from from 1997, the party was a raging success.
So that was super fun.
But something else super fun has happened as well.
Shaun Soleau and I finished our Christmas shopping on Saturday, and he had a little surprise up his sleeve for me.
Hey, you know that tattoo you’ve been talking about forever?
Well, you’re getting it today. Merry Christmas, babe.
We walked into Steel Addictions, and I was taken care of by Michael. Michael is this super-cute-totally-cougar-worthy artist, who looked shocked when I told him I had always wanted a neck tattoo.
Of course I joked that I wanted him to write, I DO WHAT I WANT, in old English letters across the side of my neck. And I also joked that I only wanted him to use dirty needles because AIDS is totally undetectable in Magic Johnson now, so it doesn’t really matter.
Michael, sensing that my nerves were causing me to make these totally inappropriate jokes, asked me if I had any other tattoos. I think he was a little scared that I wasn’t sure about what I was doing. I told him I did have one, a butterfly on my hip bone, which I lovingly refer to as the “bitterfly” because it just looks bitter after having three kids.
Michael asked to see the bitterfly, and I refused, because I am not really one to pull my pants down for a stranger. But after a bit of prodding (because I don’t think he believed me), I pulled down my pants and showed Cougar Michael the bitterfly. Which? WHY?
Feeling more comfortable with a Cougar Michael, I told him what I really wanted, which was the Scorpio symbol. I told him I really wanted it under my hairline, on the back of my neck. I had learned my lesson with shifty hip bone skin, and I since my neck probably won’t slide off, it just made sense. Plus, I can hide it under my hair at work.
I’d like to say that getting a tattoo on the back of you neck is simple and doesn’t hurt at all, but that would be a huge lie.
As a matter of fact, it hurt so badly that I wanted to quit, and the outline wasn’t even done yet.
My brain took over. It was like trying to wear tampons all over again. All I could picture were little needles digging into my spinal cord. And then I thought about things like blood and plasma.
Cougar Michael, can I take a break?
Yes! Do you feel faint?
Maybe? I see white spots and I feel super hot.
Don’t stand up. Just sit there. Let me get you a cool towel and a Coke. Did you eat today?
Yes. But I don’t think it’s low blood sugar. I just don’t like medical things. I over-think them. I can’t even wear tampons.
Uhhh… this is not like a tampon.
Michael, I think I’m going to puke.
So I did.
I yacked at the tattoo parlor.
And then I felt way better and Cougar Michael was able to finish. And thank goodness for that. Can you imagine if I had a half tattoo?
And since Cougar Michael was such a great sport, I gave him a little gift. I told him the waterpark tampon story.
Something tells me he’ll remember me if I ever have the desire for more body art.
Here comes the part where you tell me how much you like my neck tattoo. BECAUSE OMG I HAVE A NECK TATTOO! I AM SO TOUGH NOW! LIKE A PRISONER!
Do you have any tats? If so, where and what is it?