I fly by the seat of my pants in all things. ALL THINGS.
I arrive late to all things.
I push off all projects until the last possible minute.
Lars barely makes the first bell at school.
I stay up until the wee hours of the morning plunking out these blog posts, just to push them out 6 hours later.
I once threw a birthday party together for my daughter in a day that involved 25 people.
Hell, my vagina can’t even push things out on time. All of my babies required over 20 hours of hard labor to get here.
Everything, everything, everything is very last minute for me. Even on my ADD meds, my brain is still broken in regards to procrastination. I know this about myself.
When I decided to give Shaun this totally awesome gift of boudoir photos, it was already December 12th. And then they had to be ordered and made into a book. Of course, I didn’t think about the raw photos needing to be made into a book until December 21st.
I was out of time to order this book online and have it here by Christmas. This left me with no choice but to have the book made locally. I decided on Meijer since it’s close to work, and I could run over there on my lunch hour.
As I walked into the store with my SD card full of half-naked pictures of me, I looked around to see who was working. Perfect. Three ladies. I gladly loaded the pictures into the book making machine and told them I’d be back after work to pick up my photo book. I even gave them a little grin and told them what I was up to.
Please don’t judge me when you see these pictures. I feel weird about it. But I have the best husband ever, and he deserves this. Also, I have lost, like, over 40 pounds, so I think I deserve this as a woman.
Are you naked?
No, not really. It’s super classy. Professional boudoir photos.
We see those a lot. Congrats on the weight loss!
I knew the weight loss thing would get them. Women can totally relate to wanting to show off your new body for your husband when you feel sexy again. Plus, all three of them looked motherly to me. Mothers “get” baby weight loss. I was feeling very proud of my pictures, and I would even go as far as to say I felt like I was an inspiration for women everywhere.
I have a weird brain.
I went back to work. At 6pm, I picked up my book. Only, there was a problem. There were two teenage boys working the photo counter.
Hi, I had ordered a book. Is the lady here that I talked to earlier?
No, her shift ended awhile ago.
Oh. Where are the other ladies that were here?
Oh. So it’s just you and that other kid?
Well, I’ll just come back tomorrow.
I know who you are.
Oh, I get that a lot. I think I look like other people.
No, you have this book. It’s right here.
I began to panic. The kid grabbed my half naked photo book from the back counter. And the other stupid teenager grinned at him. The begin whispering. But I could hear them talking (because I recently had the wax cleaned out of my ears, and now I have superhuman hearing abilities).
Dude, did she order two books? Or did you just make two?
Wait. What? I didn’t order two books.
Hey! I can totally hear you! Do I have two books back there? It’s S-O-L-E-A-U.
Yeah. Did you order two?
No. But if there are two, I want them both.
Oh, well I can just charge you for one. Must have been my mistake.
I watched as he put one book back on the counter and put one in the white envelope.
I’ll take them both.
Then I have to charge you for both.
Why? YOU made the mistake. Just give it to me.
I’ll have to call my manager over and ask.
Not wanting yet another person to see me half naked, I agreed to pay for both.
Both boys came to the counter to accept my payment and hand me the two books.
Were you boys going to keep a book for yourself? I feel like if I hadn’t noticed this, you would just be sitting around, circle jerking each other to pictures of me.
What?! No! We would never do that. No. No way. You look like my mom.
Did he really just tell me I look like his mom?
I look like his mom? I LOOK LIKE A TEENAGER’S MOM?!
My brain was SCREAMING obscenities. I AM 32 YEARS-OLD! TOO YOUNG FOR A TEENAGE SON!
Seeing that my head was about to explode, the other stupid zitty teenager chimed in.
His mom is really hot.
You two are sick. Merry Christmas. Hope you enjoyed the show.
Lesson of the day: Do not print out private photos in your town.