SERENITY NOW!

by Meredith on December 13, 2012

Okay, normally your posts are entertaining, slow news week in the blogger world? You have done far better than this, just saying… Yes I hate when people do that, but there are things more blog worthy yes?

-Masie

Dear Masie,

I fixed the typo you had in your comment on my blog two days ago. No biggie. And you’re welcome.

I am so sorry that you didn’t like my post about people peeing on toilet seats. I also apologize that you were not entertained.

I am saying I’m sorry because that is the lady-like thing to do. But truly, I could give a crap.

The truth of the matter is, I am overwhelmed with my life right now. There are a lot of things happening that I just cannot talk about. All of them are work related.

I looked you up online, Masie, and I see that you work in HR. First of all, thank you for allowing me to look you up online because you used your real name. I hate it when people say mean things to me under a pseudo name. Again, thanks for not being a total pussy.

But the truth of the matter is, and you should know this seeing as how you work in HR, it’s year-end. And year-end means open enrollment, report after report, and tons of other things (things that cannot be discussed because that’s just part of my job). But wait… you should “get” that.

So why all the hating?

But since you want to know what’s going on in the blogosphere, I’ll tell you. I have no effing clue.

I don’t have time right now to be reading blogs and thinking about blogs and writing blogs on my personal site.

Now, since we have established that I do not know what is going on in the blog world these days, and I can’t tell you all the reasons I have been putting in about 60 pers week at the car dealership, I guess I could just share with you my inner-most thoughts. And those thoughts are about growing marijuana.

I’ve been watching Weeds on Netflix.

I began watching Weeds on Netflix a few weeks ago. I was home for a couple days because I got sick. I got really sick.

There are two reasons I ever get sick. I never had my four-times broken nose fixed, so snot just sort of hangs out in my face, and that’s why my voice sounds like this. I also get sick when I am completely stressed out. I think we have established I am completely stressed out. But really, either one of those things could have made me sick.

But I digress.

Back to Weeds. I am on Season 6 right now. And dang it, that Nancy, she makes some really stupid decisions!

But I love her. She is probably a Scorpio because she’s super impulsive. Just like me! She also demands loyalty. Just like me! And she runs her house. Just like me!

However, if I were to start selling pot because my husband died, and we needed the money, I would do things way differently (can you end a sentence with differently?).

My brain has actually been thinking about a marijuana growing business plan. I think about this because I need to not think about work all the time. My husband is really, really, really getting tired of hearing about my job. But my brain cannot stop! It always thinks about work. So now I am thinking about Nancy’s work, when I am not thinking about my work. And I think about how Nancy is in serious need of a business plan, so she stops being so impulsive!

So if anyone wants to start a pot growing business, I have it all worked out for you. Feel free to print out this business plan. You won’t be able to get bank backing for start-up money (well, maybe in Colorado or something, but certainly not in Ohio). And also, it’s super illegal. So use it at your own risk.

Again, I am just doing this because Nancy needs help. I can clearly see she is too scatter-brained to really make a successful go of being a drug dealer without my help.

Step One: Find a Pot Grower

Okay, this pot grower cannot be just some random farmer who can grow things in a field. You need the best pot grower. And Nancy had the best pot grower at one point in time, and Snoop Dog was smoking the crap out of her MILF Weed.

So find a scientist-y guy, have him create a special line of super fancy marijuana for you.

Step Two: Figure Out Who Gets Paid What

Set your price point. What is the marijuana worth? Is a dime sack even an option?

Look, Nancy should have just stayed in Sales. That is what she’s good at. No one suspects that she’s a drug dealer because she is soccer mom. And the Pot Scientist should just grow the product.

Obviously, Sales has more risk since Nancy is the one who has to beat the streets each day to push this illegal product.

The fair split, in my opinion, is 60/40. Sales = 60% / Pot Scientist Guy = 40%

Step Three: Find a Grow House

You need a safe place, somewhere no one would suspect, to grow your product.

No worries, my friend, Brittany, has a greenhouse. It came with her house, and she doesn’t use it. You can use her greenhouse. Just pay her $10,000 per month to rent the space.

Now, you don’t give Brittany a cut. You just pay her rent. This means she is coming out of your gross profit. You cannot have too many people in the cut. She is a fixed expense, not a partner.

Which, I guess we should talk about financials for a second.

  • Gross Profit = The total amount of money you bring into the business.
  • Net Profit = The total amount of money your business has after you’ve paid your expenses.

The two partners will split the net profit.

Step Four: Grow Your Product

There will be a variable expense each month. Supply and demand will dictate the amount of pot supplies you need to grow the pot.

Just make the Pot Scientist turn in his receipts so you can keep track of all of that.

Step Five: Sell Your Product

Here is where Nancy failed. She got way too greedy.

Sell your MILF Weed to Snoop Dog and his buddies, but never to people who are outside of that circle. Like, you can’t just take this fantastic weed and hit a college campus, selling it to random people.

No.

You can also sell to suburbia.

The suburban soccer parents and Snoop Dog have money. They like weed. You’ll make enough money to become rich, yet not so much that you have the DEA looking through your curtains at night.

Step Six: Open a Front

Nancy needed a front, and she had the “fakery”. That was a fake bakery. In the back she made pot-filled cakes and goodies. It also allowed her to funnel her money into bank accounts, since the bank is going to make her fill out Form 8300′s for any money deposited in cash over $10,000.

The “fakery” was a good idea, but again, she got greedy and too diverse. Stick to one thing. Sell pot to Snoop Dog and neighborhood people.

I recommend setting up a fake online business. People can order their pot online, but really it says you are selling something no one would ever really buy. And, in addition, people can pay with a credit card!

Sell something like… Earring Magic Ken.

These are a collector’s item now. So you could totally get away with selling them for a lot of money. Again, that will be determined by the price point you set in the business plan.

I have no idea what pot sells for, but I am sure Nancy knows the going rates.

She just needs to stop getting robbed all the time.

***

So there you have it, Masie! That’s all that’s running through my head these days.

I hope I entertained you. Like a freaking clown.

And I hope I don’t go to jail for telling drug dealers how to manage their business. Mainly because I am too pretty for jail.

 Legal: This is a fictional business plan. Like in a fictional book. Seriously. I am too pretty for jail. And Brittany does not want pot grown in her greenhouse. I made that up as well. 

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Tawny

I am happy to hear you joined the WEEDS bandwagon. Wait till you see the last season. I think it could ended way better, but that is just me.

Sorry you are so swamped. Hopefully you get a break after the New Year.

Also back to the potty post, that same night I went to the gym. As I was walking into the locker room I saw a cute girl dart from one of the stalls and haul ass without washing her hands. I took one peak in the stall and could not believe what she left behind. SHE DID NOT EVEN attempt to flush her horse sized manure pile. My husband and I call her the gym fanatic and now after seeing her deposit I am leaning towards a high fiber diet or laxatives.

Had to share.

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Kristin

I so have that Ken. I am laughing and Paydin wants to know why. I love how you thought this all out.

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Rae Ann

(giggling too hard to reply)

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Nuala Reilly

Omg Meredith, you make me laugh so hard. I had to give up on Nancy after about season five or six (I forget which) because it just became a little to insane for me at that point. But for a while there, I was hard core into Weeds. I love that you just broke it all down. Lately I’ve been sucked into the insanity/awesomeness of United States of Tara. You just have to get past John Corbett (who I sometimes want to punch in his stupid face, but sometimes find adorable) and good lord that show is all kinds of fantastic. Plus, Eddie Izzard was on season 3!!! Give it a shot.

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DS

And this is why I continue to read your blog! Funny, real and in everyone’s face:)

In Washington we are now allowed to have a teeny, tiny amount of marijuana on our person but it is still illegal to sell, grow or buy so its a good thing its a fictitious business plan.

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Jennifer

I see this with businesses all they time. They over-diversify and move away from their core business and everything suffers because of it. Poor Nancy.

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Doreen

I just wanted to comment that sometimes, at my office, the toilet sprays up water onto the seat when it’s flushed, Maybe it’s because the “flusher” is really strong, or the bowl over fills or something else all together. I know that is isn’t because someone peed on the seat. I know because I am the only woman in the office and therefore the only woman using the women’s bathroom and if I were peeing on the seat and didn’t know it I might have a problem that needs to be discussed with a doctor.

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Mari

You forgot the part about not sleeping with your supplier, kind of like not sleeping with your employees… screws everything up.

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Tracy

Ha! I was thinking of you and then received this post. I had an employee text her boss last night asking to buy some pot. I’m guessing she was too stoned to realize she had texted the wrong person, even after the supervisor was obviously confused at the request!

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Farrar

I don’t know about Masie but you sure as shit entertained me! :0) Happy Friday yall!

Reply

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