My friend tweeted that she found a Nerd in her belly button (and it wasn’t Steve Urkel, but the candy kind).
I tweeted back that my brother has had a feather stuck in his belly button for years.
This started a whole uproar of laughter on Twitter and now the world wants to know…
WHY IN THE HELL DOES YOUR BROTHER HAVE A FEATHER IN HIS BELLY BUTTON?
So here goes nothing…
This is my brother, Brother Michael.
Just kidding. He just reminds us of that guy.
This is what he really looks like.
And I’m pretty sure Brother Michael is making this face because he wants to know why in the fuck our mother would rape our belly buttons with Q-Tips and rubbing alcohol as children.
Have you ever had your belly button raped? It is the strangest feeling ever. Like, worse than the way the a school bus seat feels on the back of your head when you have stitches from falling off of the swing set.
The first time my mom watched Lars (at three-weeks-old), I sent him to her house with a Band-Aid over his naval. I wrote on the Band-Aid, “Stay out!” because I didn’t want my child to suffer the same fate.
But Brother, Brother must have been belly button raped the worst of all. Because Brother Michael has a feather stuck in his belly button. And it has been there for at least 5 years. I can remember teasing him about it when he first began dating his wife. And it was there before that. So a very long time, people.
We have tried on several occasions to get him drunk, have him pass out, and pull out the feather with tweezers. But I’ll be damned if he doesn’t catch us in the act every single time.
And he totally freaks out about it.
Don’t touch it! It’s going to hurt! I think it’s attached to my intestines now!
So we just let it go since it probably IS attached to his intestines now. I know, I once let a questionable tattoo artist pierce my belly button during Daytona Beach Spring Break 1999, and since I couldn’t stomach twisting it and cleaning it (due to childhood belly button rapes), it ended up getting infected, attached to my innards, and had to be surgically removed.
Anyway, Brother’s feather is all the talk at parties. And if you give him enough to drink, he will show you his feather. Which I am pretty sure belongs to a goose. Or at least it did at one point in time before that goose was plucked and made into a nice set of bedding.