My friend tweeted that she found a Nerd in her belly button (and it wasn’t Steve Urkel, but the candy kind).
I tweeted back that my brother has had a feather stuck in his belly button for years.
This started a whole uproar of laughter on Twitter and now the world wants to know…
WHY IN THE HELL DOES YOUR BROTHER HAVE A FEATHER IN HIS BELLY BUTTON?
So here goes nothing…
This is my brother, Brother Michael.
Just kidding. He just reminds us of that guy.
This is what he really looks like.
And I’m pretty sure Brother Michael is making this face because he wants to know why in the fuck our mother would rape our belly buttons with Q-Tips and rubbing alcohol as children.
Have you ever had your belly button raped? It is the strangest feeling ever. Like, worse than the way the a school bus seat feels on the back of your head when you have stitches from falling off of the swing set.
The first time my mom watched Lars (at three-weeks-old), I sent him to her house with a Band-Aid over his naval. I wrote on the Band-Aid, “Stay out!” because I didn’t want my child to suffer the same fate.
But Brother, Brother must have been belly button raped the worst of all. Because Brother Michael has a feather stuck in his belly button. And it has been there for at least 5 years. I can remember teasing him about it when he first began dating his wife. And it was there before that. So a very long time, people.
We have tried on several occasions to get him drunk, have him pass out, and pull out the feather with tweezers. But I’ll be damned if he doesn’t catch us in the act every single time.
And he totally freaks out about it.
Don’t touch it! It’s going to hurt! I think it’s attached to my intestines now!
So we just let it go since it probably IS attached to his intestines now. I know, I once let a questionable tattoo artist pierce my belly button during Daytona Beach Spring Break 1999, and since I couldn’t stomach twisting it and cleaning it (due to childhood belly button rapes), it ended up getting infected, attached to my innards, and had to be surgically removed.
Anyway, Brother’s feather is all the talk at parties. And if you give him enough to drink, he will show you his feather. Which I am pretty sure belongs to a goose. Or at least it did at one point in time before that goose was plucked and made into a nice set of bedding.
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ok. i just read this. and laughed for like 10 minutes. seriously. lol
Coworkers and I having massive tinkle party laughing our asses off re: this post. SERIOUSLY, what did he do to GET it there and what is up with the attachement preventing from washing away in shower. OMG! He DOES take showers doesn’t he?
I have not laughed this hard in ages! Thank you.
Now my belly button itches.
holy shit i am laughing soooo hard right now that is hilarious!!!
I would love to see the pic of your oldest with the band-aid on his belly. In addition to the feather itself.
One of the oddest, craziest and most random stories I’ve ever read. But utterly, utterly hilarious! I have never been belly-button raped, it sounds like a traumatic experience.
Ok…so I’m VERY gullible-does he really have a feather in there?? LMBO You tell Michael that this is more intriguing to me today than if we’re getting Farve back….AND I’M NOT KIDDING!!! LOLOLOL
DUDE. can you get us pictures? have you touched it? does he talk to it? do you think he would let us name it Howard? You should try it. Just refer to the feather as Howard a few times and see what he does. We will all be waiting for your report.
Yes! Do this!
Dude. I have no words. NONE! What the fuck? So can he see it? Does he play with it? Is it dirty? I bet it smells. hahahhahahahahah
I need more evidence. Can you photograph it? With maybe a penny next to it for size reference? Or maybe next to an actual goose?
And come to think of it, is your brother freaked out by feathered creatures or does he want to snuggle them close in an act of bonding?
I asked him for a picture and he got pissed. I don’t understand WHY he doesn’t want to show the world his feather.
So no, I have no proof. Please just take my word for it. And his wife commented below. So that should be proof enough.
I am the lucky one that gets to sleep next to the feather…..and believe me — he is very protective of that goose… nobody is getting that sucker out…..
DEE
Is it bad that your husband won’t return my calls today? WTF? The world needed to know about his feather. He is like a medical mystery.
may be stating the obvious here but why DOESN’T HE GO TO THE DR. AND HAVE IT REMOVED ALREADY?! ok…that is all.
Name it Howard. As in, ‘Howard the Duck’.
I seriously will NEVER be able to look at Michael with a straight face again…lol..and YES I literally LOL!!
I just peed my pants. Thanks a lot whore. Omg I love you!
I think I see your baby crowning from here. Cross your legs! Hurry!
i have absolutely no words. this may be the funniest shit i’ve ever heard. maybe there should be some type of 12 step program to get him to give up his need for the feather. OR maybe we should name the feather. yes. name Michael’s feather. and go.
Naming it sounds awesome! I think Ralph would be a great name for the feather. Or maybe Bob. Something normal.
I have an irrational fear of people fucking with my belly button…like Michael says, it could be attached to his intestines and it will hurt if you pull it out…Im totally with him…the thought of someone trying to get something out of my belly button is making me queasy
I almost peed my pants reading this story, it reminds me of my super hot ex boyfriend who had the grossest, most crusty bellybutton ever. It was like he had at one
point dropped a loaf of bread in there and the entire thing had turned to croutons. If I ever poked it or even hinted that I knew IT was there he’d freak the fuck out. Must have been belly button raped;)
I HAD ONE STUCK IN MY BELLY BUTTON TOO.. I PULLED IT OUT IT BLED FOR A DAY AND IM OK…I HAVE NO CLUE HOW IT GOT THERE
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