There’s a girl I went to high school with that I absolutely hate with every bone in my body.
I mean, I wouldn’t wish death on her, but I definitely hope she comes down with adult acne. Or maybe her teeth could fall out or something.
Those thoughts aren’t even nice. Who would wish bad things on another human being? Only mean people, right?
But I don’t think I’m mean. I just think she makes my blood boil.
And her maiden name happens to rhyme with “fuck”, so whenever I hear her name, or come across her online, I always say to myself,
Oh, look. It’s Jenny the Fuck again.
Okay, so I don’t always say it to myself. Even people I work with know I hate her. She just makes me so insane! I can’t even help bu to talk about her!
I don’t like this woman for three reasons:
1. She stole my baby name.
2. She stole my baby name.
3. She stole my baby name.
Alright, that was one reason, three different times.
You see, she wasn’t nice to me when we were kids. Facebook brought us together as adults. And she seemed nicer than she was in high school, so I began to trust her. She was pregnant when I was pregnant, and we would chat on Facebook about being pregnant, but I made the stupid mistake of telling her I was naming my daughter “Lilah”.
Sure as the day is long, Jenny the Fuck had her baby a few months before me. And she stole my baby’s name, and used it for her baby’s middle name.
I was so stressed out about it, that I was going to name my little Lilah something else. Of course, Shaun told me how stupid I was acting, and assured me that she probably just thought I was good at naming things, so I should see her baby name thievery as a compliment.
But after that, all sorts of weird things started happening between me and this girl. At least in MY brain, weird things were happening.
Like, I would post something on Facebook that was totally just me being funny about something, and then SHE would post things on Facebook that were similar. And then I started a blog, so SHE started a blog. And before I knew it, she was writing nasty things about me online.
I’ll tell you why; it was probably because she’s so jealous of me that she wanted to cut my skin off and wear it around as a coat. I’m talking Single White Female stuff here, folks.
That’s the reason I tell myself, anyway.
But in reality I am sure she isn’t crazy, it’s just me who is crazy. And the passive agressive things she was writing online were probably about someone else. But I just wanted them to be about me so I had more reasons to hate her than the simple fact that she stole my baby name.
So I unfriended her on Facebook. The hate was consuming me, and had it not been for Facebook, we never would have crossed paths in life again. Like, ever. I was finally free of her.
But lately, she has been popping up again. I’ve seen her stupid name commenting on this or that, and the same hatred bubbles inside of me.
Which, is super stupid, right? I mean, if I know she’s a waste of emotion, why do I go into this frenzy at even the slightest mention of her name?
Clearly I needed professional help. I called my friend, Allison, who is a real-life Doctor of Psychology. I told her about my hatred for this woman, and how no one else in the world makes me as mad as she does, and how I know it’s silly because I am pretty positive Jenny the Fuck doesn’t even know about the feelings I harbor.
And do you know what she told me?
So there you have it.
Having an arch nemesis is healthy. According to Dr. Allison, it creates balance in my life. I love people, so I have to have someone to direct some bad feelings towards once in awhile.
Basically what I’m saying is, you guys need to get yourself an arch nemesis.
You’re welcome, Internet.
And if you already have an arch nemesis, tell me about that person. Just let it all out for the sake of your mental health. I promise not to judge you.