I’m basically Joan of Arc.

by Meredith on January 29, 2013

Every night I read my daily horoscope before I go to bed.

I have been doing this for years, and I don’t know why. Other than I like to see if they got it right or wrong for the day.

Last night, I took that one step further, and I ordered a past lives reading. The reading was based on my birthdate, time of birth, and place of birth. Apparently, for $14.95, these factors can tell you where the planets aligned, thus allowing some astrologist computer someplace… to tell you what you were in a previous life. YAY! I was totally sold!

My past life SUCKED.

I was one of these things:

  • A spy.
  • A funeral director.
  • Or a religious martyr.

From the reading:

Look for a significant prior lifetime in medical or scientific research, crime detection, psychology, espionage, as a religious martyr, or arranging funerals.

Much confusion clouded your reasoning in prior lives. You relied upon others for direction and your superstitions held you prisoner, and you may have literally been held prisoner.

In a prior life, Meredith , you were prominent in a traditional religious organization and your progressive and tolerant attitudes helped to bring a sense of humanity to the organization. You have a fear public disapproval, because, in a prior life you were outspoken and acted against social conventions of the time. 

Your judgement is still colored by emotion and you are easily swayed by another’s tales of woe. You have a great intuitive ability, Meredith , but your sensitivity to others’ emotional states can trigger bouts of depression. Since your emotions can adversely affect your health, you should take extra care with your diet and exercise regimen. Avoid alcohol and non-prescription drugs.

Avoid alcohol and prescription drugs? Great. Now you tell me. Thank for nothing, UNIVERSE!

Emotional and physical security from another life is present in your current one. Your sense of humor will carry you through trying times, Meredith.

Wait… it gets better. No one was ever good enough for me in my past life. So I most likely died an old maid.

Idealistic romantic notions kept you from establishing partnerships in your prior lifetimes. The possibility of that perfect love was always in your dreams, Meredith . The residue of your prior life’s habits, if left unchecked, may keep you from establishing a meaningful relationship or from working to maintain what you already have.

And finally, I was killed off (in some sort of brutal fashion) for running my mouth about my religious beliefs.

In prior lives you survived chaos, revolutions and natural disasters. You are capable of enduring very tense situations for a long time. These past life memories can make your current life seem tranquil in comparison, Meredith .

You have a fear public disapproval, because, in a prior life you were outspoken and acted against social conventions of the time. In a prior life, verbal indiscretions undermined your life span. This time, Meredith , you may have a tendency to “put your foot in your mouth” while attempting to impress others with your verbal skills. Learn to laugh at your mistakes. Attempts to hide your errors can compound them with larger ones, as they did in your past life, causing your suffering. 

You may fear long distance travel or dislike certain countries without rational explanation. Your fears and dislikes are rooted in prior lives where you suffered, and died a brutal death, while taking a journey or living in a foreign country.

Okay, so I have to tell you something. I still haven’t gone down to the post office to get my passport, even though I want to travel overseas so bad! 

My lack of a passport is holding me back from speaking at international HR conferences. I know this to be true because I have told two different people now that I can’t come to their country due to my lack of a passport. And I probably don’t just march down to the US Post Office and get one because I think I’ll die some sort of brutal death in London (while spouting off opinions about why I think some HR people suck as human beings).

It’s all coming together now.

In my past life, I was Joan of Arc. There is no other explanation.

I was burned at the stake in England for heresy (I could be remembering this all wrong – details aren’t really my “thing”), even though I was from France. Which is probably why I love to decorate my home in that French Country style, why I think some disgruntled ex-employee will most likely be the cause of my death in this life, and why I have a “thing” about teeth (British people have bad teeth, right?).

And it’s also why I hate tampons. They resemble a stake. The stake that I was burned on, thus causing my death. Tampons are crotch burning killers, but you ladies refuse to believe me.

I was truly hoping it would come back to tell me I was mermaid and mermaids are real. But it didn’t.

What do you think you were in a past life? Do you believe in past lives?

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Kim

If I did, I must have had multiple personalities cause the karma I am getting from that bitch in this life is way too much for one person. Can you take your funeral directing skills back in time and bury that twat before she causes me more misery?

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Elinor

I don’t know how I feel about previous lives, but I have some sucky karma that outweighs anything I have done in this life… so, maybe?

BUT, London! I live (part-time until Saturday when it becomes full time) in the UK. It’s not so bad, in fact it’s pretty awesome. Beer is cheep (and warm…); the teeth are, well, you get used to them; the museums and pubs live up to the hype; and they have these cookies called Jaffa Cakes that make everything better! So visit Blighty, you’ll love it!!!

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Cas

I would say I hope that we go around more than once… there is far too much to learn and experience for one lifetime…it just wouldnt be fair.

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Melissa

I think you’re okay with prescription drugs- it just says stay away from non-prescription drugs.. ;)

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Mom

You wasted your money. I knew you when you were a twinkle in your daddy’s eyes!

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Kate

Bahaha! Tampons are stakes. I did not know that.

Reply

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