As I was driving to work yesterday, the thought, I want a divorce, was racing through my mind.
How did we get here? I didn’t feel this way when I went to bed the night before. We cuddled all night. I don’t even like cuddling that much. It makes me sweaty.
But here I was, not even eight hours later, thinking about our bills and how I may be able to swing them on my own if I just pick up yet another job.
Psst. Wake up. Wake up. Meredith? Meredith? Meredith, where is my other bowling ball?
I can’t find my bowling ball. When 20/20 was filming, you stashed it somewhere. Where is it?
Just get up and help me.
MEREDITH, WHERE IS MY OTHER BOWLING BALL?!
What time is it?
Six in the morning. Where is my other bowling ball?
Shaun, I don’t know. Did you find one bowling ball?
Seems like you’ll be fine for your stupid bowling league tonight. Just use that one.
NO! I will not be fine! I need them both!
Shaun, you’ll look like an idiot throwing two balls at once. Leave me alone.
GET UP AND HELP ME!
So I rolled out of bed in my old maternity underwear (don’t judge me – they’re very comfortable even after pregnancy) and Shaun’s armpit stained wife beater. I went pee. I wandered around in a daze for a minute. I opened some closet doors and closed them. I deemed the extra ball missing, and I crawled back into bed. I had 25 more minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off.
Meredith! What are you doing? Get back up and help me! I’m going to be late for work!
I rolled back out of bed again. This time I actually tried to find the stupid bowling ball.
I looked in the basement. No ball.
I looked in the coat closet. No ball.
Shaun, I don’t know where it is. It’s not in any of the places I stash things when company is coming over. Maybe if you didn’t leave the effing balls out when TV was coming to film, I wouldn’t have had to hide them. I’m pretty sure I asked you no less than 52 times to put them somewhere.
I found the other one in the garage. Did you put both bags in the garage?
Probably. Go look there. *I began walking back upstairs to bed*
I DID LOOK THERE! DON’T GO BACK TO BED! GET OUT HERE IN THE GARAGE AND HELP ME!
FINE! FINE! I WILL HELP YOU FIND THE DAMN BALL THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU WERE OUT DRINKING WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
DINNER! IT WAS A WORK DINNER!
I was getting more pissed by the second. I walked out in the garage and began searching for the absent ball.
I CAN’T SEE SHIT OUT HERE, SHAUN! CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB LIKE I’VE ASKED YOU TO DO 86 TIMES!
It was still dark outside, but I opened the garage door so the other light would come on. Neighbors were out walking dogs, picking up newspapers, and leaving for work. I smiled and waved at them, acting as if every thing was calm at the Soleau house.
Meredith, you do know you’re out here with the garage door open in your underwear, right?
DO YOU WANT THE DAMN BALL OR NOT?! WHO NEEDS TWO BALLS TO BOWL?!
Noticing that the neighbors were now staring at us, Shaun looked at me and said, Just forget it. I’m going to work.
By the time Becky (our Super Nanny) arrived, I was beside myself. The neighbors had seen my maternity underwear and side boob in Shaun’s wife beater.
Becky, can you look for that ball today?
She assured me she would help find it, and hurried me along to get dressed so I would be on time. After a few minutes Becky came upstairs to tell me Shaun had found his ball.
Where was it? In the trunk of his car?
No. He found it in the garage. He’s here right now.
What? Right now?
I rushed over to look out the window. There he was in the driveway. Looking happy. Loading the misplaced bowling ball.
I opened the window.
I can’t believe you came home from work to get that dumb thing! You have issues, Shaun Soleau!
I didn’t. I forgot my laptop and decided to check the garage again.
NO ONE LIKES YOU HERE, SHAUN SOLEAU! NO ONE THAT LIVES HERE LIKES YOU ONE BIT!
I closed the window to find Becky standing behind me.
I want a divorce!
Honey, the judge won’t let you cite “Lost Bowling Ball” as a reason. Now stop yelling out that window in your Spanx. The neighbors have seen enough of your rear-end today.
I drove to work thinking about how I was going to kick him out of our home. I mentally worked out a visitation schedule for him and the kids in my head, and I even decided I would let him keep the motorcycle I bought him for Father’s Day. I’m not a total dick, after all. But I did want out, and I really hated him in that moment.
Until he sent me an email at noon.
I love your crazy ass. So do our neighbors.
I guess he can stay a little longer.
Do you have fights over stupid things like bowling balls? Don’t you want to be my neighbor?