I Want A Divorce

by Meredith on September 8, 2011

As I was driving to work yesterday, the thought, I want a divorce, was racing through my mind.

How did we get here?  I didn’t feel this way when I went to bed the night before.  We cuddled all night.  I don’t even like cuddling that much.  It makes me sweaty.

But here I was, not even eight hours later, thinking about our bills and how I may be able to swing them on my own if I just pick up yet another job.

Psst.  Wake up.  Wake up.  Meredith?  Meredith?  Meredith, where is my other bowling ball?  

What?

I can’t find my bowling ball.  When 20/20 was filming, you stashed it somewhere.  Where is it?

What?

Just get up and help me.

What?

MEREDITH, WHERE IS MY OTHER BOWLING BALL?!

What time is it?  

Six in the morning.  Where is my other bowling ball?

Shaun, I don’t know.  Did you find one bowling ball?

Yes.

Seems like you’ll be fine for your stupid bowling league tonight.  Just use that one.

NO!  I will not be fine!  I need them both!

Shaun, you’ll look like an idiot throwing two balls at once.  Leave me alone.

GET UP AND HELP ME!

So I rolled out of bed in my old maternity underwear (don’t judge me – they’re very comfortable even after pregnancy) and Shaun’s armpit stained wife beater.  I went pee.  I wandered around in a daze for a minute.  I opened some closet doors and closed them.  I deemed the extra ball missing, and I crawled back into bed.  I had 25 more minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off.

Meredith!  What are you doing?  Get back up and help me!  I’m going to be late for work!

No.

MEREDITH!

UGH!!!

I rolled back out of bed again.  This time I actually tried to find the stupid bowling ball.

I looked in the basement.  No ball.

I looked in the coat closet.  No ball.

Shaun, I don’t know where it is.  It’s  not in any of the places I stash things when company is coming over.  Maybe if you didn’t leave the effing balls out when TV was coming to film, I wouldn’t have had to hide them.  I’m pretty sure I asked you no less than 52 times to put them somewhere.

I found the other one in the garage.  Did you put both bags in the garage?

Probably.  Go look there.  *I began walking back upstairs to bed*

I DID LOOK THERE!  DON’T GO BACK TO BED!  GET OUT HERE IN THE GARAGE AND HELP ME!

FINE!  FINE!  I WILL HELP YOU FIND THE DAMN BALL THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU WERE OUT DRINKING WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

DINNER!  IT WAS A WORK DINNER!  

I was getting more pissed by the second.  I walked out in the garage and began searching for the absent ball.

I CAN’T SEE SHIT OUT HERE, SHAUN!  CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB LIKE I’VE ASKED YOU TO DO 86 TIMES!

It was still dark outside, but I opened the garage door so the other light would come on.  Neighbors were out walking dogs, picking up newspapers, and leaving for work.  I smiled and waved at them, acting as if every thing was calm at the Soleau house.

Meredith, you do know you’re out here with the garage door open in your underwear, right?

DO YOU WANT THE DAMN BALL OR NOT?!  WHO NEEDS TWO BALLS TO BOWL?!

Noticing that the neighbors were now staring at us, Shaun looked at me and saidJust forget it.  I’m going to work.

By the time Becky (our Super Nanny) arrived, I was beside myself.  The neighbors had seen my maternity underwear and side boob in Shaun’s wife beater.

Becky, can you look for that ball today?

She assured me she would help find it, and hurried me along to get dressed so I would be on time.  After a few minutes Becky came upstairs to tell me Shaun had found his ball.

Where was it?  In the trunk of his car?

No.  He found it in the garage.  He’s here right now.

What?  Right now?

I rushed over to look out the window.  There he was in the driveway.  Looking happy.  Loading the misplaced bowling ball.

I opened the window.

I can’t believe you came home from work to get that dumb thing!  You have issues, Shaun Soleau! 

I didn’t.  I forgot my laptop and decided to check the garage again.

NO ONE LIKES YOU HERE, SHAUN SOLEAU!  NO ONE THAT LIVES HERE LIKES YOU ONE BIT!

I closed the window to find Becky standing behind me.

I want a divorce!

Honey, the judge won’t let you cite “Lost Bowling Ball” as a reason.  Now stop yelling out that window in your Spanx.  The neighbors have seen enough of your rear-end today.

I drove to work thinking about how I was going to kick him out of our home.  I mentally worked out a visitation schedule for him and the kids in my head, and I even decided I would let him keep the motorcycle I bought him for Father’s Day.  I’m not a total dick, after all.  But I did want out, and I really hated him in that moment.

Until he sent me an email at noon.

I love your crazy ass.  So do our neighbors.

I guess he can stay a little longer.

Do you have fights over stupid things like bowling balls?  Don’t you want to be my neighbor?

{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }

Sarah

I would love to be your neighbor. It be nice to not be the only crazy family on the block.

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Sarah

*would

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steph gas

i’ve been with awesome husband for 14 years, married for almost 7 of them, and we still have stupid fights. usually about the litter boxes or squeezing the sponge out. or i have arguments in his general direction about things that bother me that aren’t really ‘fight-worthy’ and he mostly ignores me.

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Lacey

haha, that’s totally me…just talking and griping about stupid things my husband does, in his general direction while getting ignored.

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Meredith

Yes! I also argue in his general direction. I swear this man is also hearing impaired.

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Mackenzie

I also forget I’m in underwear and walk outside. My neighbors already know we’re trashy by the unmowed front yard. I think the underwear thing is less of a problem for them.

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Meredith

I’m going to stop mowing the grass. This will lower the expectations. And it seems to be working for you.

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Kelly

I would love you be your neighbor. We could drink Skinnygirl Margaritas together! Anyway…my husband and I have fought over those damn mini football helmets he likes to collect. What is he 5?

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Meredith

DUMB! What is it with these boys? Will they ever grow up? I don’t have a Barbie collection. Well, I do. But it’s moldy and stashed in my parents basement somewhere.

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Jasmine Robertson

I walk out to my car in my t-shirt and underwear. I figure if I have to see my neighbor shirtless but with a fur sweater he can stare at my cellulite! Take that – we fight over stupid things like that all the time! Your post had me laughing out loud as I can totally relate. I love your blog!

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Meredith

HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA!

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Jill

I would love to be your neighbor so I could get drunk and use your new swingset.

Yes, we just got in a fight last night because my husband put our son’s Tag Junior somewhere a few months ago and cannot seem to remember where he “hid” it. I’m pissed, those things are expensive. We also recently had a dog grooming argument, our regular groomer is booked until October and our dog flipping stinks so I suggested we just suck it up and use Petco just this one time but he refuses, why? Petco will cost him $60 where our regular girl costs us $40, of course if this was a debate about which softball bat he needed to buy there would be no argument, he’d just buy it.

Okay, I’m done and quite fired up now…. Too early for a drink?

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Meredith

This is so true. My make-up costs too much (according to him). But only the best for Shaun!

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Shawn

Oh Meredith! You are adorable! This is so funny! I don’t really fight that much with my husband…but then he doesn’t EVER wake me up at 6 am. That would really piss me off!

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Meredith

I am pretty sure that’s what it boils down to. DO NOT WAKE ME UP! I will do things, like show off my underwear to the neighbors.

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tilly

Been there, done that. Waking me up early? Makes me stabby. Also, I am so glad it isn’t just me who plans the divorce details while pissed. I have a whole plan!

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Meredith

I have a whole plan, and I know how to execute it. Is that sick?

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Jen

Yes, I would like to be your neighbor because then we both can run outside boobs flapping in our underwear together.

And yes, Jeff and I have fought about stupid shit.

I think we all do.

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Lin

Ugh, husbands sure know how to push our damn buttons dont they? They’re almost as bad as our moms & MIL’s, haha.

My husband is so like this. The other day he woke me up at 5am on my day off just because he couldn’t find his belt. He has 3 of them but swore he NEEDED the one he couldnt find. I tried ignoring him but he kept huffing & tossing shit around the room. As soon as I got up (pissed) I actually stepped on the damn belt.

His reaction was ‘hey, your stepping on my belt!’ not exactly the thanks I deserved but whatever. Needless to say he paid for waking me up early ALL day long.

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Meredith

Why do they throw things? I think it’s because we are the ones that have to pick it up.

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Kristi

LOVE, LOVE, IT! This could be my house, we tend to fight about the stupid stuff but not the big stuff. We also have a firm rule that whomever decides to leave this marriage has to take the children with them. We figure if you are not willing to work on this marriage you should at least be saddled with kids. I will NEVER Divorce for that reason! Those kids on my own scares the heck out of me.

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Heather

OMFG I love your “rule”…cracking me up!!

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Meredith

Okay – I was so wrong about the whole theory that I would take the kids. You’re so right. If I took the kids – he would just have too much fun with strippers and coke.

You’re right. He takes the kids. I’m going to the bar.

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Heather

LOVE the rule! I will totally be implementing that in my house :)

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Neeroc

Heh. You are not alone in the crazy fights department, nor the ‘grr divorce’ mantra. I think it’s a completely reasonable reaction to a unnecessary o’dark early wakeup.

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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

We don’t fight. Ever.

Believe me?

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Meredith

Actually, kind of. You two are super nice all the time to each other. I’ve seen you in public. You’re never yelling, “Just hold my damn purse for a minute! The bathroom is gross!”

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pgoodness

I would LOVE to be your neighbor. Could you move here, though, please?

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Meredith

No way. You move here. The house in the backyard is up for sale. We could have a compound.

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Beth

Why yes, I have plenty of stupid fights. In fact, that is the reason why I started blogging. I must say, they make for good stories and are much more funny in hindsight.

/shamelessblogplug

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Crystal

Well I guess if, God forbid, you ever do get divorced its a good thing you have the visiting schedule all worked out?

Please don’t divorce me…but two bowling balls is pretty convenient when league bowling :/

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Meredith

DO NOT TAKE HIS SIDE!

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Wendy

….almost every day…

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Christen

I would love to be your neighbor… my neighborhood is like a ghost town, and we are the crazy ones. One time my husband threw our cordless phone in the woods next to our house during a fight. Neighbors watching.

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Meredith

Did he have to call it to find it?

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Christen

Ha ha! I made him look for it :)

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Steph

Um yes. That is cause for divorce. You sound like me… I wander around in my panties and a shirt every morning (and sometimes afternoon if I’ve been drinking, HA!). I am pretty sure the neighbors have seen me. OH WELL.

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Kate

I do that every day, it’s so comfy, and I sleep that way too ~ and my neighbors do see me…the little creeper neighbor kids like to peek in my window and ask if my cat can come out to play everyday (no, she can’t, BTW if my neighbors somehow stumble onto this, please tell your kids to stop asking me). The only reason I keep my shade up is that the cat won’t climb in between them to look out…anyways, I had to run outside with just a t-shirt and panties on the other day because the cat stepped on my key FOB and set off my car alarm…and it was after dinner, so all of the kids were outside playing…awesome…it took less than 10 minutes for my next door neighbor to message me on FB, asking me why I was naked outside in front of her daughter…after I explained, she thought it was hilarious!

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Meredith

I don’t “friend” my neighbors. What would I write about?

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Nancy P

I love this post!

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Justin

For the record, I did my very VERY best not to mention the bowling ball. When he shook my hand. Inches from your bed.

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Meredith

That would have made a bad situation worse.

I’M KIDDING, PEOPLE! Shaun was totally fine with another man in our bedroom.

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improperly forward

I have been known to follow my hubby out of the house in my underwear and some sort of shirt WHILE having a stupid fight and yelling like the trashiest idiot you’ve ever seen. It only happened once and the looks from my neighbors as they were all leaving for work scared me straight. I now either yell in the driveway while fully clothed or keep it indoors.
(I also can’t guarantee any neighbors haven’t seen me running through the house completely naked with the shades open lately. And that is just horrifying.)

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Meredith

I cannot guarantee this either. I convince myself that there is a reflection off of the windows that hides my nakedness from them.

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Elinor

Actual ‘conversations’ in our house:
P: E it’s time to get up, like now, we are leaving in 20min (this is a lie, I can see the clock and know we are leaving in 25 thus 5 more min of sleep)
Me: mummble shhh….
P: E I am not doing this right now, get up, get up, get up

P: Ow! Sh!t did you just throw a shoe at me

P: Ow! seriously stop! How many shoes did you take to bed? This is why we can’t have an alarm clock

Me: that’ll teach you to wake me up early! Also I was asleep so it doesn’t count as abuse! (Feeling smug)
P: bringing shoes to bed just to throw at me in the morning is pre-meditation; so yes I can blame you! Also I swept your side of the bed for objects after you were asleep, where did you hide the shoes?
Me: 3am pee baby! Hid the shoes in the bathroom! Ha!
P: mumble…
Me: What?
P: you’re lucky I am too lazy to divorce you
Me: we’re stopping for coffee since you woke me up early…

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Meredith

^^^^^SHE WINS AT EVERY THING^^^^^

Also, I am going to steal this idea. Except I am bringing Matchbox Cars. They will leave a mark.

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Mari

lol… it’s all fun and games until he throws them back ;)

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Heather

I was out in a fleece vest and no underwear, or any other bottoms for that matter, just last night. My neighbors, too, have surely seen my naked us running around with all the lights on in front of windows with no blinds. Did I mention these windows are in dormers and are precisely at crotch level?

This post had me literally LOLing. God, I don’t miss being married.

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Heather

naked ass…that would be naked ass

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Meredith

I think you were having more fun than I was when you were outside naked. It makes me jealous.

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vickie

LOL… I couldn’t even begin to count how many times I have said or thought- I want a divorce! And the funny part is, you really believe, at least at the time, that you REALLY want a divorce!

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Meredith

Oh, no kidding! I really did want a divorce over bowling balls. If we were just dating, we would have broken up. No doubt about it.

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AngieM.

we had a little disagreement the other day. right in the ‘heat’ of things he wanted to stop everything to take the damn cat outside.!! i was like ..really? REALLY?? leave him alone, he’s just hanging out on the window. 0_0!!

also- i would freaken love to be your neighbor!

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Meredith

Wait? Your cat goes outside to pee? Or to walk around? Or what?

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chrisinphx

The man and I have an on-going argument about him refusing to say bless you or something along those lines when I/someone sneezes. I keep telling him its just proper manners but he refuses so when he sneezes I tell him “bless you wether you want it or not!”

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Meredith

This would make me insane as well. Now he is just not doing it out of spite.

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Jayme (RandomBlogette)

This is like a regular occurrence at my house. I am pretty sure the neighbors think that I am insane. Actually I KNOW they think I am insane and that is why they love me. We actually started yelling at each other this morning because he said we were out of turkey for the kids lunches and I knew we weren’t because I just was the container last night. God forbid he ever actually move shit around in the fridge to see if it fell behind something else. Grr….

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Meredith

How about when you know you told him something and he says you never did. This happens all the time.

“Open house is tonight at Lars’ school. Don’t forget! Come home early!”

And then he’s all, “I’m so rushed! You never told me!”

Yeah, I did. Only like 589 times.

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Jayme (The Random Blogette)

ALL. THE. TIME. I feel like I am constantly repeating myself AND we have a dry erase calendar that he walks by several times a day. Grr…

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Kate

Haha, too funny! I would also like to be your neighbor! You can send your kids over anytime they get the itch to decide that they ‘need’ a pet and play with my cat Daisy and entertain her so that I don’t feel bad about neglecting her while I am doing my studying for tests and then I will reciprocate by giving you booze while we play on that jazzy new swing set contraption you have in your backyard.

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Meredith

You will never believe this. My parents are newly retired. They are becoming snow birds. I get my dog back from them in October. Yes, me. The one who hates pets get a 14-year-old dog with arthritis that I once tried to give away. It was me or put it to sleep. I’m starting to think the dog would be better in Heaven.

For lunch today, I ordered the crow.

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Meredith

Also, we would have the best time ever going down that slide. And there is a tree house thing up top. I imagine us sitting there and sneaking cigarettes.

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Kate

lmao…I am happy to hear you have a soft spot for your dog…the other day, my best friend had to take in her parents dog as well, because they just going to give her to the pound because they didn’t want to deal with her old doggy medical problems…so inhumane! …and yes! I would love to sneak cigarettes like a giddy little schoolgirl ~ that would rock my socks off! I always wanted to have a tree house in the air when I was younger, but I got to have an on-the-ground tree house that my dad used for different types of shingle/gutter samples and siding…my sister and I played house in it.

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Katrina

Yes please! I need more neighbors like you. :) And yes, we have been through hell and back and every fight short of that. Good thing for spontaneous, great, words and emails.

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bellawriter

No, but we had a KAY-RAZY fight on Sunday about how I don’t like to grocery shop at one specific place my hubs likes. I told him it looked like the kind of place where poor people shopped. So, he went without me and spent $340 just to prove a point. Next time, I’m just going to get groceries while he’s at work and the kids are at school. Then no one is judging where I go and how many cookies I eat in the car on the way home.

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Amanda @ Tales of an Amateur Mommy

This happens to me all the time. My favorite thing is when my husband loses something, asks me where it is with that pissy I-know-you-moved-it-while-cleaning look, then finds it while uttering a mumbled oh-i-must-have-been-the-one-that-misplaced-it. Oh, really? If he wasn’t such a damn hoarder, he wouldn’t have this issue to begin with.

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Gwen

You are so awesome. This post makes me feel normal. I too, find cuddling sort of sweaty, and have contemplated leaving my boyfriend after mornings like the one you described.

Also, we just moved into a new house and I’ve already had to chase after a kitten running out the door in my knee-length kmart night gown infront of the courier…who is our regular courier that we see at least once a week. All of this without contacts in, mind you.

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Betty Lorance

I don’t like the my husband is now. I thought about and a affair. But I won’t.
I make him mad.

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Betty Lorance

He is tied of taking of me. I said that to my face. I am going a lot more these days. In Oct. I became a disable and is not staying he is tire of taking of me. I know because my vows to help take care of me. I am going to start taking of myself.

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Betty Lorance

I am not getting a divorce. My husband are still trying to get along. Hope so.
Betty

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Priya

First let me just say that I feel like this all the time every stupid argument and I feel like I should be in a mental ward for thinking like that but so relived to find that I’m not the only one.

Thanks

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Jen

My husband and I fought about Nutri-Grain bars once. It’s how we roll.
This one time there was a tiny set of keys sitting on our counter in the kitchen for like 2 YEARS and one day I threw them out. Guess what he asked me for about a week later? Yep, those flipping keys. Turns out they were for our camper topper thing that goes on top of the truck. I denied knowing anything about the keys of course. That was 4 years ago, I still won’t fess up to it :)

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rmr

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish for a divorce from my wife……

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Penny

My husband wakes me up to ask what time it is when he can see the clock. He never ever helps out around the house but when he needs help he calls for me to help him he can make me so mad

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