Her brother cut her a bang. Just one bang.

We both agree. Boys are stupid.

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It’s official.

I’m the best matchmaker ever.

This weekend I once again successfully matched up two people that hit it off and had a great time.

I invited them to a party and got them drunk.  As with all awkward social situations, I believe in the power of alcohol.  The conversation is funnier, and everyone is taller, stronger, and prettier. Not that the two of them weren’t already beautiful and smart people. So if you take nothing else away from today’s post – take that.

It’s weird to me when people say they can’t find anyone.  Especially since I was one of those people that was never really without a boyfriend for more than a minute.  If Shaun left me tomorrow, I’d probably have a date by Saturday. This sounds vain, but it’s not vain at all.

My constant dating/boyfriend/fiancé/married status has nothing to do with my great hair or giant ego.  It has everything to do with my ability to network.  I know a lot of people, and I find it easy to make new friends (typically with the help of copious amounts of alcohol… after which I become very touchy and close-talky and huggy and call everyone my BFF).

So when I joked about starting a dating service on Facebook yesterday, I was shocked when there were 75 comments on my status within hours.  And it got me thinking.

I really should start a dating service and run it through Facebook because people seem to show their true colors on Facebook.  Everyone needs to find their Shaun Soleau, even it means kissing a lot of frogs along the way.  I’ve kissed a lot of frogs, and I had a lot of fun doing it. Other people need more frog kissing fun in their lives. And eventually they’ll find someone who is a lifetime of fun. I have to pee. And I’m sort of hungry. I wonder if we have any cookies left. 

 “Meredith’s Big Fat Gypsy Facebook Dating Club” Business Plan

It’s probably really stupid to share my business plan online because someone might steal it and turn into some kind of big money maker, but I don’t really care.  I’m not wanting to matchmake for money.  I truly enjoy people falling in love because it makes their lives better.

Also, you guys can help make suggestions, and it will just make this that much better.

It will be free to find love (like the 60’s but with less acid), and it will only be for people that aren’t weirdos (this means “weirdo” in a sheep’s-butt-raping kind of way… people with quirks can totally join because those quirks just make you that much more endearing).

Step One: Friend Me on Facebook

I was once stalked by a group of Alpha Males that wanted to kill me because I have a job that could potentially affect the lives of other Alpha Males, so it’s sort of hard to find me on Facebook now because I can’t figure out how to unlock what I’ve locked down.

Click right here and ask me to be your friend: Facebook.com/Meredith.Soleau

Step Two: Let Me Know You’re Single

I’m going to form a group of you guys that are single and keep a spreadsheet of where you live and if you’d be interested in a long distance relationship.

Tell me that you want to be in Meredith’s Big Fat Gypsy Facebook Dating Club via PRIVATE FACEOOK MESSAGE! We don’t need all of your information on blast.

Step Three: Answer Some Questions

1. Are you interested in a long distance relationship?
2. Have you ever raped a sheep?
3. Would you date a single parent?
4. Ladies: How many cats do you have?
5. Men: How big is your bank account, no… How big are your feet?

Step Four: I Make a Spreadsheet & Connect You with Potentials on Facebook

This means if I suggest you “friend” someone, you need to do it or this will never work. And then the two of you need to socialize.  I live in Toledo, Ohio, so this makes it difficult for me to come to St. Louis and get you guys drunk to make it work.

Step Five: Say “Yes” to Everyone Asking You on a Date

If nothing else, going out on dates is good practice.  Even if you think you won’t like someone, go anyway.  It’s a free meal if you’re a lady, and it’s booty potential if you’re a man.

You have to put yourself out there.  Don’t be socially awkward.  Just get drunk and be huggy and flirty.  It will all work out.

Step Six: When You Get Married, I Get an Invite

And I am currently obsessed with My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, so I expect huge dresses and lots of shimmer when I get there.  Really, it’s the least you can do since I am about to find you the love of your life.

DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for your loves lives or anything that happens on your dates. I am simply your Facebook friend trying to make some love connections.

DOUBLE DISCLAIMER: Now that it’s all in writing, I actually feel like this thing could work, so I may charge people real money for Meredith’s Big Fat Gypsy Facebook Dating Service once it takes off, and change my mind about the free love aspect.  You’d better get in now while the crudely written business plan lacks a pricing structure.

So what do you guys think?  Will this work? Are you in single people?  In-a-relationship people, do you have any single friends you want to refer to the group?

© Meredith for Life's Crazy Joke, 2012. | Permalink | 29 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Marriage, Relationships, Stupid Hobbies

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I don’t think I ever faked a sports injury during the first 5 minutes of practice.  I waited to pretend I was hurt until at least half way through practice.

It seemed more believable  if I pretended to hit my knee on a hurdle once I was more sweaty. And then I’d fall to the ground in the most dramatic fashion, and sit with ice on my fake knee injury until my dad arrived to take me home.

So you can imagine my horror when Lars began limping during warm-ups at the first pee-wee football practice of his life.

I was mortified as he hobbled over to take a drink from the water bottle I’d brought him.

Lars, what the hell are you doing out there?

What, Mom? I’m just getting a drink.

Why are you limping? 

Some kid stepped on my ankle with his cleats.

No! No one stepped on you! I’ve been watching. Now get out there! You’re making me look bad in front of the other parents! And the other boys are going to make fun of you!

Mom, I’m serious. I’m hurt.

No, you’re not hurt. You’re faking it. Suck it up, or we’re going home.

He began to walk away without his fake limp.

Lars! Come back here! I need to tie your shoe!

Okay, so maybe tying his shoe wouldn’t make him look much tougher in front of his friends or the other parents. However, he still allowed me to do it because the kid is nine-years-old,  AND HE STILL CANNOT TIE HIS OWN SHOES.

Yes, you read that correctly.  My nine-year-old cannot tie his own shoes properly. He twists his shoestrings into knots. I’ve been trying to teach him the loop, swoop, and pull, but he’s just not catching it. Each day before school we have the same conversation.

Lars, you really need to tie your shoes the right way. Tying your shoestrings in knots is not the right way. You’re making me look bad in front of the other parents. And the other kids are going to make fun of you.

It’s your fault, Mom. You made me wear Velcro shoes when the rest of the kids were learning to tie.

I have to get to work, Lars. Just give me your foot.

Anyway, back to pee-wee football practice.

Lars was back out on the field, and trying his hardest now.  But even at his best, I could tell it wasn’t going to be good enough.

I decided to go home and make Shaun come back to the practice so he would understand that football wasn’t going to be his “thing”.

Shaun, you need to get up to the practice field.

No.

SHAUN! He is making an ass out of us! He needs help at home, and you’re going to help him!  These other kids look like their dads have been making them bear crawl for years!

No. It’s just conditioning today. He’ll be fine. We throw the ball around. My mom and dad never sat around and watched my football practices. You drop him off, and I’ll pick him up at 7:30.

SHAUN! All the other parents stayed up there. I ran home to make you go up there because this is a sporting emergency! Our kid sucks at this!

I’ll go get him at 7:30.

YOU’RE THE WORST PARENT EVER!

And with that, I stormed out of the house and went back to Lars’ practice.

I sat and watched like the rest of the moms.  I could tell he was trying really, really hard.  But he still wasn’t very good at things like running and jumping jacks.

After practice, I asked him if he really wanted to play football.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN, MOM! And Coach said I have the best three-point-stance out there!

So… I guess we’re playing pee-wee football. Which is fine because he’s having fun.  My dad will be happy since I come from a long line of football players.  But I’m 99.9% certain that Lars won’t become one of them.

I’ll bet Mark Zuckerberg faked an ankle injury or two in his life, so I’m not really too worried since the kid is so smart.

But it does leave me with some questions. Why do parents wait at practices now? Shaun was right about that, my parents just dropped me off as well. Is this because we’ve all become so judgy as parents and we want to out-parent all the other parents?  And if your child sucks at sports, do you still encourage them to play, even if you know it will eventually end in heart-ache?

© Meredith for Life's Crazy Joke, 2012. | Permalink | 24 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Parenting, Shaun, Working Mother

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We all have our quirks, right?

I don’t like things to touch the front of my neck.

You’ll never ever catch me in a turtleneck, choker necklace, or a t-shirt that isn’t a V-neck. Things touching the front of my neck make me feel like I’m choking.

I’ve broken my nose four times.

It hangs to the right of my face.  I rub it constantly because it itches, and I believe the rubbing causes it to become more even more crooked. I always think it’s bleeding or has snot coming out of it, even though it doesn’t.

I Photoshop it to the middle of my face for all of my headshots.  Here is a snapshot of me without Photoshopping. Notice how the arrow is straight, and my nose veers off to the side.

I’ve never had a surgery before, so thought of fixing it terrifies me.

I take that back, I had two molars pulled out of the back of my mouth, and they had to put me under when I was 16 years-old. I told the nurse to “fuck off” as I came out of anesthesia, and my dad laughed. He’d never heard me swear before that day.

I never grew any wisdom teeth. Oh, and I always wanted braces, and was sad that I never needed them, so I would put paperclips in mouth and pretend. That’s weird, too.

I never use the same towel or glass twice.

I wish I could reuse things, but the thought of using the same towel to dry off with two days in a row makes me gag.  What if there was the tiniest speck of dirt on the reused towel and now I redirty myself? What if mold grew on the towel overnight? When I get out of the shower, I like to be 100% spotless.

I cannot drink from the same glass/cup twice.  I will get a new glass each time I want a refill because I think particles of dust float around in the air and land in my glass. I believe I can taste the dust particles.

The only time I don’t care about reusing a glass is when I’m drinking alcohol.  I figure alcohol kills particles of dust.

I think roadside memorials are rude.

This seems harsh, but I fear that someone will die in my yard and cause a roadside memorial.

I feel bad for homeowners who have to mow around a crusty old teddy for three years because they don’t want to be the jerk that threw it away.  Now they’re stuck with a cross with names on it as a constant reminder of that day that someone died in their front yard.

I want to go on the record. When I die, please just make my memorial at the cemetery. But don’t bury me. Bugs freak me out.  I want to be cremated and put in a mausoleum.

When I was little, I didn’t think my dad could read very well.

He would always yell at us, I’M TRYING TO READ THE NEWSPAPER!

He would read us children’s books, but beyond that, I figured reading was a struggle since newspapers seemed so difficult for him.

Turns out, he can read just fine, he just wanted us to shut up.

Okay, tell me, what’s weird about you?

© Meredith for Life's Crazy Joke, 2012. | Permalink | 68 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Going to Hell, Parents

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Ever since they were on Dancing with the Stars the other night, freaking Train has been taking over all aspects of my life.

There are ballroom dancers sashaying all over my cranium.

It’s getting really annoying.

Meredith, pay attention to your boss. He is asking you about business-y things that involve spreadsheets and numbers.

Meredith, it’s rude to whistle during an interview.

Meredith, Shaun is getting confused. Stop telling him everything is not a drive by. 

Meredith, Lilah is two-years-old. She doesn’t know how to passe.

I’ll bet it has the same effect on you. We’ll all be in straight jackets by next week.

YOU. ARE. WELCOME. INTERNET.

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Today marks our very first book club meeting. Welcome.

I’ve made you all cocktails, but I had to drink them so I could talk so openly about the S&M book, Fifty Shades of Grey. So I’ll just give you the recipe.

Chocolate Covered Pretzel Shots

• 1/2 shot whipped cream vodka
• 1/2 shot Frangelico
• Shake hard over ice and strain into a shot glass
• Lick salt off of your hand like you would for a tequila shot

Speaking of licking salty things, we sure picked a winner for the first book!

I know I am not cussing in 2012, but I may need to say some bad words to quote the book.  And there’s no way around it, we have to talk about sex a lot today.  So don’t leave this page up if you have to go grab another coffee. The people you work with will think you’re a dirty pervert.

Here we go!

For being so poorly written, the book was completely titillating. (See what I just did there?)

Okay, let’s address the bad writing first.  

I’m not a professional writer. Well, sometimes people pay me to write things, but I am certainly not a published author, and I write like I talk. So I hate to judge… BUT OMG HOW MANY TIMES DO WE SEE THE SAME WORDS OVER AND OVER?!

Here’s my list of most annoying words:

• BEGUILED (Who even uses that word?)
• HITCHED (How many times does his/her breath have to hitch?)
• INNER GODDESS (Make. It. Stop.)
• JUST FUCKED HAIR (No.)
• MY SUBCONSCIOUS (How many people live inside of Ana, and why are they doing back flips?).
• MY SEX (It’s called a vagina.)
• STARING THROUGH MY EYELASHES (I have very long eyelashes. I’ve been trying to stare through them. It’s impossible.)
• MURMUR (Come on. No one murmurs 24/7.)

Who is her editor? Fire that person. Every writer needs a great editor, even if you are just publishing Twilight fan fiction.

My husband loves this book, and he hasn’t read a single word.

The week before I began reading Fifty Shades, Shaun and I had the biggest fight we’ve had in about a year.

But then? I start reading this book and all of the sudden, Shaun was becoming more attractive to me.  The fighting stopped, and the hair growing out of his ear was less annoying. Now I need rape him everyday (and sometimes in the middle of the night).

They are making the books into a movie. I’m going to make him watch it with in the privacy of our bedroom at least 46 times.

It’s basically couples therapy. A very dark and creepy couples therapy.

Christian

 Brittany has convinced me that Christian looks like Armie Hammer.  I agree.

I’m now having sex with Christian-Armie-Hammer in all my dreams (and sometimes when I’m awake).

There’s no denying it, Christian is hot and powerful. Hot and powerful is huge a turn on for me. I also like men with ambition. Christian Grey is ambitious.

However, I am conflicted about Christian. Half the time, I love him, and the rest of the time I want to spit in his face.

That would be the day that some man would threaten to spank me for misbehaving.  And when he hit her with the belt? I threw my iPhone across the room, screaming, WHAT A DICK! 

But, if Christian-Armie-Hammer wanted to do that thing to me with the Cat of Nine tails? I’d be down with that. And if he ever pinned me in an elevator to rub his giant erection on me? I’d allow it.

I am adding him to my laminated list (it’s like we’re already doing it anyway).

I’m ordering this from Amazon:

Shaun will be happy, I’m sure.

I have heard a lot of feedback about Ana. People think she’s whiny, and they do not like her character.

I. LOVE. ANA.

I love her because I am was this 22-year-old girl. Well, except for that whole went-through-college-a-virgin thing. That wasn’t me. The boys say I was a very good time in college.

But ask any ex-boyfriend or my husband, and they will tell you the same thing, I must know what you’re feeling at all times, I fall in love very quickly, and I am insanely jealous. I’m the neediest person you’ve ever met when it comes to romantic relationships.

Brittany said she pictures Lilly Collins playing Ana. I don’t. Ana is more innocent looking than that (as I was when I was younger – but looks can be deceiving).

Ana is Hermoine.

The Dirty Bits – MOM & DAD STOP READING HERE!

I hosted a backyard party this weekend, and we got to talking about the books. As it turns out, even the boys at the party knew about Fifty Shades of Grey. They just couldn’t wrap their heads around the fact that this isn’t a Harlequin romance novel.  This is pretty hard core stuff.

Once we made the boys perform a live reading, they seemed to understand. Have an unsuspecting male perform a live reading of this passage where Christian is introducing her to the silver vagina balls. You’ll laugh so hard, you’ll cry.

He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread… ”I am going to put these inside of you, and then I’m going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine… Then we’ll fuck… Good girl, open your mouth… They need lubrication. Suck… Now turn around, bend down, and grab your ankles…” 

Okay, that’s enough. I’m finding it hard to type the rest of that passage without throwing up. You know how I feel about foreign objects (like tampons, and especially silver balls) in my vagina. Puke.

I’ve already started Fifty Shades Darker. I sort of like feeling horny all the time, and I needed to know if she takes that sexy jerk back.  SHOUTY CAPS!!!

Did you like the book? Do you like Ana? Do you hate Christian? Or do you understand him? Do you have more sex now as a result of reading this?

© Meredith for Life's Crazy Joke, 2012. | Permalink | 67 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Marriage, Relationships, Stupid Hobbies

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The front door swung violently open at 11:36pm.

WE BEAT CULLIGAN WATER!

Why was he screaming this as he walked through the door? Why was he home so late tonight?

WE BEAT CULLIGAN WATER!

I began whisper yelling down the stairs.

SHHHHHHHHHHH! Shaun! The kids are sleeping! Hush up!

THEY NEED TO KNOW! THEIR FATHER IS AN ATHLETIC CHAMPION!

Shaun! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I WILL NOT SHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE BEAT CULLIGAN WATER!

Shaun was wastey-faced. His bowling team had beat Culligan Water’s bowling team in the old-man-bowling-league semi-finals.

I went downstairs so he’d stop yelling about his athletic prowess.

Do I look sexier?

What?

You know, do I look hotter now that I’m a bowling semi-finalist?

No.

He seemed shocked that bowlers don’t turn me on.

See these fingers?

*he holds 4 fingers in the air*

These fingers are not only masters in our bedroom, they are masters at the bowling alley.

Really, Shaun?  Are you making bowling into a sexual thing? And I thought you only needed three fingers to bowl?

YES! SEXY!

SHHHHHHHHHHHH! Not sexy, Shaun.

You wouldn’t say that if you were there. I had 4 strikes. Everyone was cheering for me. Watch how sexy this is…

He pulled his arm back and threw a pretend bowling ball through our kitchen. He flexed his muscles at me. To which I replied sarcastically,

Oh, yeah, I can see it now…

I know, right? And when we win the finals next week, you’ll think I’m sexier than ever.

Wait. I thought THIS was the last week of the stupid never-ending bowling league.

I KNOW! BUT WE WON!

So what happens next week if you win again? More bowling?

NO! WE GET A 3 FOOT TROPHY AND MONEY!

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Shaun. Too loud.

He walked over to me, gave me the sloppiest kiss ever, and said,

I’m gonna have sex with you on that trophy like it’s the Stanley Cup.

Hahahahaha! You and your hand can have sex with the Stanley Cup bowling trophy. I’m out.

NO! YOU HAVE TO BE INTO THIS FOR ME! YOU. ME. THE TROPHY!

And with that, he went into the bathroom and puked (from what seemed like his toes). As I checked to make sure he wasn’t drowning in his own vomit, he lifted his head off the toilet seat to say,

Don’t write about this, Meredith.  I won’t try to have sex with you on my giant trophy. 

I happen to like your giant trophy. Go to bed, Shaun.

Marriage.

The best blog fodder ever.

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It’s no secret that I was supposed to be a famous country music singer.  Anyone that’s ever spent 10 minutes alone with me in the car understands this. But, my parents encouraged me to go to college and major in something real.  And here I am.  A Human Resources Director.

To be honest, I picked the major because Calculus 4 was super hard, and I barely passed the class. Employment law seemed sexy and fun to me, and I don’t like blood or puke.  So being a doctor (like they had planned for me) wasn’t really going to work out for me in the grand scheme of things.

I’m not going to lie.  Some days, I loathe my job.

It’s mainly when I have to fire to someone or lay people off.  I HATE taking jobs away from people more than I hate tampons, laziness, bad teeth, frenemies, and dogs that smell your crotch. And it never gets easier. Never. Each time, it’s the same rambling running through my brain.

How is this person going to pay their bills? What will he tell his wife? Just one more chance. That seems fair, right? His manager will kill me if I give him another chance. Be strong, Meredith.         DO. NOT. CRY. Just walk in there, and get it over with. It’s your job. This is what you signed up for.

Or how about when people ask me for a raise and I have to tell them they can’t have a raise? That sucks.

I don’t think people genuinely like me at work. I’m 99.9% sure it’s fake, and that stings a bit.

When someone’s kid gets really sick, I have to help them navigate through mounds of FMLA and medical paperwork. No one likes dealing with mounds of paperwork during these times.

Or there’s the whole bad performance review and disciplinary action thing… totally blows.

But I’ve got to tell you, I HAVE THE MOST REWARDING JOB ON THE PLANET.

I make a positive difference in the lives of others.  I know I do. Sometimes, people even thank me.  I’ve had a thank you card from an employee hanging on my refrigerator for 3 years now.

Meredith, thank you so much for all of your help. I just can’t believe you did that for my family. You didn’t have to go the extra mile, and you did. I wish I could express it better than these silly words on this 99 cent card.

That 99 cent card means the world to me. Sometimes, after a particularly tough day, I look at it, and it brings me peace. All I did was my job, and he appreciated it.

So I’m really not surprised that HR Manager was ranked #3 in the best jobs of 2012.

Here’s why it ranks so high:

1. I give people jobs. This isn’t charity work, folks. This is teaching a man to fish stuff.
2. Companies NEED HR people. I protect my company and its employees from themselves. I also find them very hard to find skilled workers. That’s a talent.
3. The pay is pretty… okay. I don’t yet earn what you see up there in that chart, but one day…
4. I get to make decisions. Big ones.  I work for a company that allows me a lot of freedom to try new ideas and see what sticks.
5. HR jobs are out there. I know a ton of HR people that are retiring. If I decided to leave my company, it would be fairly easy for me to find another place to work (if I’d just stop talking about my vagina on the internet).
6. I work with people, and I love people. My job is to help the people. Half of my day is spent listening and fixing things. I like that.
7. I don’t have to see puke and blood (on most days), and I get to wear pretty clothes.
8. My network of HR friends are some of my very favorite people, and we support each other, share ideas, and watch out for one another. I think that’s rare.
9. The HR world is fast paced and the laws are always changing. I ALWAYS have something to do. I’m never bored.
10. I get to recognize our internal talent and give them promotions. When was the last time you promoted someone? IT. IS. AWESOME.

If you want to go into HR, now is the time. Do it. Jump in with both feet. You won’t regret the decision.

What do you do? Is it rewarding? Why or why not? And should your job be on the list?

© Meredith for Life's Crazy Joke, 2012. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Fame, HR, Working Mother

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We went to church to one of those giant churches with thousands of members this past Sunday.

I went into this totally hating the idea.  I only went because it was Easter, and I am trying hard to make my mother-in-law like me again (she goes to this church). I went in thinking that these churches are Christian factories, money mongers, and not personal or sincere.

You guys… I was so wrong.

LIKES

1. They believe in baptism.

2. They dunk you under that water, and they don’t just dribble it on your head or ask you to say a prayer to be saved.

3. They don’t baptize their babies.

4. The message was STELLAR. The preacher was captivating. It was positive, it was accurate, it was based on scriptures, and it was timely.

5. They flat out address (in the welcome packet for new people) the fact that they are a megachurch and what they do with their money.

6. The kids went to a kid place for the sermon so I could concentrate, and they received an age appropriate Bible lesson.

7. It seems like there is a lot going on if you want to be more involved.

8. It’s close to home.

9. You can dress up or wear jeans.

10. There are MULTIPLE service times (it’s not like you miss it if you’re running late because you have 534 kids to get ready in the morning).

11. Lars told me he made two friends.

DISLIKES

1. I couldn’t figure out if they do a communion in remembrance of Jesus. I don’t think they do.

2. The music was super contemporary, and I didn’t know any of the songs.  It was very good, but it was very Rock Band.  Shaun refers to it as “Rock and Roll Church”.

We are going again next Sunday. I *may* consider becoming a member of this megachurch.  It’s the first place I’ve felt comfortable in a long time. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are about this.

© Meredith for Life's Crazy Joke, 2012. | Permalink | 28 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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The uninsured and under-insured are watching, with bated breath, as the Supreme Court of the United States decides on the legalities of government enforced healthcare for all.

Do you know who else is watching?  Your employer.

This isn’t a post about if it should or should not be deemed legal. This is a post about what is going to happen to you at work if healthcare reform (as it is written now) becomes a bill.

There’s an ugly little secret that your employer probably isn’t telling you.  Since I know this secret, I’ll share it. Sharing is caring! Telling you this will most likely result in me being blackballed from the Human Resources community.  Oh well.

It won’t be the first time I’ve been honest about our dirty little HR secrets, thus resulting in my unpopularity among my peers.

Are you ready?

If healthcare reform passes through the court, and becomes fully implemented in 2014, your employer will consider dropping health insurance for its employees, and there will be many employers who no longer offer health benefits.

Yes. It’s true.  I hope the state exchanges do a nice job with their health plan options (we still don’t know what they will offer), because it may become the only place you can go for insurance.

Why?  Because of the “Pay or Play” provision.  It’s very controversial to your employer.

Pay or play basically means, according to the way healthcare reform is written today, that your employer will pay a penalty one way or another.  We (the employers) have to offer vouchers for employees to take to the state exchange should they choose to pass on our health benefits.  We have to offer high cost plans.  And we have to figure out your household (not just the employee, but the spouse as well) income.  But no matter what we do or how hard we try to get it right, we will face financial penalties to help fund nationalized healthcare.

1. If the employer offers health insurance, and you choose to take your voucher to the state exchange?
   PENALTY FOR THE EMPLOYER
2. If the employer offers insurance, and an employee simply chooses not to take the insurance or go to the state exchange?
   PENALTY FOR THE EMPLOYEE
3. If the employer chooses not to offer insurance at all?
   PENALTY FOR THE EMPLOYER
4. There’s also the “Free Rider” penalty employers face. If the employer’s insurance is consider unaffordable or low value, and the employee qualifies for government subsidies (any family of four that makes less that $89,000 per year qualifies)?
   PENALTY FOR THE EMPLOYER

So if you look at it from the employer’s point of view, it’s just a whole lot simpler to NOT offer benefits and take ONE penalty, rather than offer benefits and wager the “Pay or Play” game to see who stays in and who goes out of the plan, ultimately resulting in unavoidable penalties.

It’s a whole lot cheaper for the employer to pay the proposed tax penalties than to pay for your insurance.  

Currently, for employers with 50 or more employees, the penalty for not offering benefits will only be $2,000 to $3,000 per employee that qualifies for health insurance.  In 2011, the average employer cost of healthcare per employee, on a family plan cost the employer over $10,000.

It sort of feels like government’s giving your employer a simple math equation.  Are they trying to smoke out employer sponsored health benefits?  I think so.

As it stands, most companies are better off paying the penalty, and simply raising employee wages to compensate for what they will lose in benefits.

They employees can then take their chances at the state exchanges.  And hopefully *fingers crossed* they can find a great health plan like the one we offer.  One that pays claims.  One without a ton of red tape.  I mean, most government run things don’t come with a ton of red tape, right?

I know, not all employer sponsored plans are great.

But some of them really are wonderful.  Some of them truly take care of employees at very little or no cost to them.  These are the plans that I am concerned we will lose in our country.

To date, healthcare reform has done many great things to employer sponsored plans, things that really aren’t costing employers much in the long run.

To name a few of my favorites:

• Children no longer have pre-existing conditions
• Children can stay on their parent’s plan until they are 26 years-old (longer in some states)
• Preventative coverage is paid for at 100%

I agree with you 110%.  

I agree with you, the system is currently broken, and everyone should have access to affordable healthcare (even the sick and unemployed/underemployed).  But some of these employer provisions don’t make sense.

Shouldn’t the employers just continue to make necessary changes that better the health care system?  I think so.  And I think most companies are fine with the changes we’re making.  Heck, our company hasn’t charged employees co-pays for preventative care for years as part of our wellness initiative.

For those of you who have jobs, and you’re satisfied with your company’s benefits, I want you to ask your company this question:

Is there a chance that you’ll drop our health insurance in 2014 and force us to take coverage through the state exchange?

If they tell you there is not a “snowball’s chance in Hell” that they’d ever consider dropping your benefits… THEY. ARE. LYING. TO. YOU.

We are all considering it.  All of us. And just like you, we’re waiting to see how this whole thing pans out with the Supreme Court. We want to figure out what will make financial sense for our companies.

What do you think about it? Do you agree that it makes it financial sense for companies to stop offering health insurance? Will you be upset if your employer chooses to pay (rather than play)?

© Meredith for Life's Crazy Joke, 2012. | Permalink | 25 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Hater, HR, Working Mother

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