Dear Husband,
You know how you came home from teaching your friend, Bill, to bowl Tuesday and you were all hammered? It’s weird, because I didn’t know a bowling lesson involved Jager Bomb shots. And trust me when I say, I can tell when you’ve been drinking Jagermeister.
I really thought you were going to go bowling, come home, and watch True Blood on the DVR with me. But that’s not what happened at all.
Instead, you came home, you looked at me, you proclaimed your drunkenness, and ran to the bathroom to throw up for 15 minutes. You were only out of my sight for 3 hours.
That’s how I know it was a Jager Bomb night. See? I really do know everything!
Anyway, I have been thinking about you for two days and how mad it made me! GRRRR! SO MAD!
I mean, just last week, I was mad at you because you woke me up and wanted me to find your bowling ball. And now this? Now I’m mad at you twice in two weeks.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
*fists in the air*
Anyway, I know I haven’t really been talking to you. But my mama always told me, if you don’t have anything nice to say, just ignore him.
It’s been a couple of days now, and I’ve decided I need to get over this. If only I knew how to bury the hatchet…
And then I realized that I just need to accept you for who you are. To be sure I really know you (like, more so than just knowing when you’ve been drinking Jagermeister), I took a quiz on your behalf to find your spirit animal and the aura that surrounds you when you’re channelling your spirit animal.
I know you don’t believe in this sort of hocus pocus, but I’m at wits end! If your spirit animal aura can make me forgive you, I think it’s worth a shot.
These are some sample questions from the quiz:
I like to sleep. YES! You love sleep. You really, really, love your sleep. So do I. Try to remember that the next time you lose your bowling ball.
People are annoying. YES! You get so annoyed with liberals and you also get annoyed with me. A lot. I’ll bet you’re annoyed as you read this post.
I have a lisp. No. Bad news – you don’t have a lisp. I don’t think your spirit animal is a beaver. I almost said “yes” just to see if I could get you a beaver (since it’s the only beaver you’ll be seeing for awhile, if you know what I mean).
I like shiny things. YES! Look at that shiny motorcycle in the garage! You sure do take your time washing it and ignoring that dull colored grass that needs mowed.
I am fast and can run for a long time. No. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen you run. Can you skip? Also something I don’t know about you.
I like to annoy people. This one’s tricky. Your friends seem to like you, but I sure get annoyed with you sometimes! I know you’ll agree with me on that! And I can sure annoy you with my nagging about the garbage and the grass. We’ll call this a “NO” since it seems like a wash because we both annoy each other.
I actually got sick of taking this quiz. It was so much work trying to be you! So I just decided that you’re a big blue dolphin with a pink aura. GO YOU!
And then I made you a picture.
- Don’t be worried. I gave your spirit aura animal sunglasses so no one would recognize you. BEST WIFE EVER!
I’m feeling WAY better now. The picture was so therapeutic. From now on when you make me mad, I will just express my feelings in a form of art to be shared with the world.
Tell Bill I send all my best, and I hope his bowling lesson was super fun!
With love,
Your Darling Wife
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Never mess with a woman with wit, dear Shaun. Never.
Also, I’ll always be on Mere’s side because I’m a Liberal.
OMG LOL I love it!!!! You seriously ARE the best wife ever!
I know, right? I am good for all of life’s advice.
He better appreciate the artwork! It might have earned you the coolest wife award yet. Maybe you should print it out and hang it around your home. And buy a very expensive frame for it, because this is a million dollar piece of work! It deserves nothing but the best.
I think I could probably get $20 on Etsy for this print. Maybe I could make people into their spirit animal auras for extra cash! Want to go into business together?
Sounds perfect. I am in Cleveland, my sister lives near-ish to Toledo. We got this. You ready to be a millionaire? Maybe this is how you will become a celebrity!
Where is the “Like” Button? I need it now. Serves you right, Meredith’s Husband!!
The “Like” button is right up there. ^^^^^
LMAO!
I frequently tell my husband that I can tell when he’s had too much to drink because somehow when he talks his tongue no longer seems to fit in his mouth. And when there’s jager involved, then that turns to him making lewd and suggestive comments about his tongue. *rolls eyes* Husbands are dumb. But seriously, they look much better with a pink aura.
Yes! I feel like I’ve just grabbed that Man Card and put it back in my pocket when he has a pink aura.
I. LOVE. IT.
Why don’t relationship counsellor’s come up with this kind of stuff?
I don’t know. Ladies – just call me. I’ll fix your marriages. And I’ll only make you pay me in wine.
Well… I’m going to guess that this has taught him an important lesson. Public humiliation can be a very powerful form of punishment.
He hasn’t told me to take it down yet. This tells me he has not yet seen it. But I won’t ever take it down. I can’t. It already has comments.
Brilliant! And what a wonderful spirit animal…is it wrong I almost hope he pisses you off again just to see what you come up with?
Next time, he gets to be a kangaroo. With a baby joey in his pouch. It was a toss up this time, but I went with the blue dolphin.
The lesson on Tuesday didn’t help….Bill still sucks at bowling and always will, I’m afraid.
Yes, but did Bill come home and throw up everywhere?
LMAO!!! Like literally! :0) I am SO stealing this idea next time Glenn pisses me off!!! I can SO see him as a big blue dolphin with a pink aura!!!
Picnik. GO get yourself the upgraded version. You won’t regret it.
Fabulous! And I’m secretly glad you didn’t just *give* him the beaver….spirit or otherwise…bwa ha ha!!
NO BEAVER FOR SHAUN! At least not until he buys me something or acknowledges my awesomeness.
That made me laugh OUT LOUD, really loud at work, because I married a Shawn, and he’s coming home tonight, and he was sending me texts about nookie later.
OMG1 My Shaun does this as well. Does sexting work for you? Not for me. I think it’s weird, and then I have to be worried that I may leave my phone somewhere (like on my bosses desk by accident).
One time he sent me a picture of his weiner. EWWWWWWWW!
omg, tooo funny. Well, he’s never sent me a weiner pic, but yes, we have “sexted” and I don’t mind if it’s really rare and we’re both ready to get home and tear at each other. But…his new thing is sending me these long romantic texts which are awesome, but I know that he’s the bigger romantic than me, so any reply from me is either really lame or feels like I’m just doing it because he did.
(oh, and don’t ever bring your phone with you when you talk to your boss. Hide it in your cleavage or something- then you’ll never have your boss see anything weiner-ish.)
This is hilarious! I love it!
Someday I want a wife who is as funny as you.
You may get one soon! Shaun is less than impressed with me right now. OH WELL!
I thought for sure you knew it was Jager from the scent, but the puking? Genius. You’re a beyer detective than Batman and The Hardy Boys combined!
haha…thanks for the laugh…needed this today…and the cute picture
Where did you find the quiz?
Hi Meredith,
Can you ask Bill if he wants to go bowling tomorrow?
Thanks,
Bill
Dear Shaun,
my husband and a I have a rule (enacted after I didn’t kill him for puking, passing out and wedging the bathroom door shut with his foot… At my Mom’s): Mid-week drunk = shiny things and a dinner out where I don’t have to put out after! I recommend this rule because A it saves me from having to get angry and B it saves P from getting nagged…
Just a suggestion,
E
This is absolutely fantastic…you’re giving me ideas.
Lorda mercy this is hilarious.
oh wait.. i mean i’m commenting..
you are hilarious.. very creative..
i can’t believe he asked where his bowling ball is.
the other day my s/o asked me where his other mailing labels return address thingys were.. i told him where ever you left them. lol.
now he has called me asking if i took the plug in to the printer ’cause he needs it.. ooops.. thought it was for my camera. rotfl.
hope you are having a good week. and i hope things don’t get worse. you might have to find the bowling ball next and show him other uses for it.. jk.
<3xojo
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