Dear Jack: Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Drunken Lies

by Meredith on October 28, 2012

Have you ever met someone that was totally awesome? And the next thing you know, you’re drinking and carrying on and making friends with their friends?

Yeah, I do this.

I’m a friend magnet, and I’m not shy in real life, something that has been a blessing thus far. I just throw it right out there, and talk to everyone about everything. But I don’t just want to be friends with one person in the group. I want the whole package.  I want your friends to also become my friends. Obviously you have good taste in people, since you’re choosing to hang out with me.

I actually have three groups of friends, and they don’t cross paths with each other. I think that’s weird, because I would love for all my friends to hang out at the same place at the same time. I know they’d all get along because they all act like drunk hobos.

There’s my work friends, college friends, and social media friends. And by social media, I mean these people have lived in my computer for years, but every once in awhile we’ll meet up at a conference or something, and then we become in-real-life friends.

Last week, I was at the Digital Dealer Conference in Las Vegas. And I saw some social media friends who tweet about dealership stuff. I’ve been following them for years.

Except this time, the typical meeting of online people was a little bit awkward.

I don’t know what my deal was, maybe they were intimidating, but I just couldn’t seem to muster up the courage to go talk to these social media people. Like, I’d see the person in real life, and then I’d run the other way. Why didn’t just go shake hands and introduce myself?

What’s even stranger is the fact that I made friends with a bunch of IT people from some kind of securities conference. Those people don’t have anything in common with me, other than being in Las Vegas while I was in Las Vegas. I follow none of them online, and I probably never will since I don’t know their names. And I am probably their worst nightmare since I put so much of my life out there for the world to read, so they wouldn’t want to be my online friend anyway. I say too much. I’m basically a walking IT security threat.

Anyway, I told my new IT friends a bunch of lies all night (because that’s how I roll when I’m drinking). But today I feel bad about the lies. I need to come clean to the IT people.

If you’re reading this, and we hung on Wednesday night, I am not the Chief of anything at the car dealership, and I don’t know why I told you that. I’m the Human Resources Director, I manage our social media, and I dabble in digital marketing. Yeah, I’m sort of a big deal *in my head*.

Also? I am writing a book right now, and it is filled with hilarious management stories. That’s true. But I haven’t finished it yet. I don’t know why I told you I just got published, but I am speaking to a publisher. The blog is for real. However, I don’t have a million readers per month. Shoot. Another lie.

All lies, lies, lies!

 (read: I think the lies began with the first sip of this $25 margarita which was clearly laced with mollies and unicorn sperm, and then I just couldn’t stop lying to you once they began tumbling out of my mouth)

I probably gave you IT guys my social media card because I’m an attention whore. That’s my MO. So if you’re reading this, at least you know the truth now.

And Jack from Australia? You should know I’ve been speaking with an Australian accent all week, and I’ve been trying to find you on LinkedIn. And also? There are a lot of Jack’s in Australia. So my quest to track down the most interesting IT person in the world is most likely in vane.

My version of your Australian accent probably sounds more fake-Madonna-British than anything, but I just can’t stop “mosey-ing” around to places and going on “walkabouts” (I know that word because of Crocodile Dundee). I’ve never met anyone from anywhere (other than Great Brittan and Texas) that speaks English with such a fun accent.

And don’t worry, Jack; obsessing like this is totally normal behavior from me. Every time I have the pleasure of speaking with Bill Boorman, I turn British for week, I Google everything about the Queen, and I wear a tiara. And every time I speak to Allison Zapata, I wear red cowboy boots for a week, and say “y’all” and “God bless his little heart”.

And when I drink vodka? Russian. Always Russian mail order bride (and only because I met a Russian mail order bride once).

And Jack (if that was your name, it all seems hazy) I think it’s totally awesome that you work for the Australian government in internet securities. Although… that’s probably just you telling me drunken lies.

FUCK.

Do you even come from the land down under?

Dang it. I need constant supervision when attempting to make new friends. This is clear. I am so darn gullible.

 

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Tawny

My husband is the same way! He has been a professional football player and many other things he thinks he should have been! He says lies while on a business trip do not count as long as the people are not clients or related to your industry. : )

Reply

Meredith

Your husband and I are one in spirit.

Reply

Bill Boorman

Meredith,
just wait till I get you over to Europe next year. I’m cooking up a plan for you and a few friends. You can wear a crown and everything.
Bill

Reply

Meredith

Do you know Jack who works in IT in Australia? If so, invite him, too. He’s fun.

And I want to go to Europe MORE THAN ANYTHING.

Reply

Bill Boorman

Await the dates and more news. A European vacation beckons in Feb

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Irish Carter

This was a great confessional…… brought me back to my drunk dialing days = )

Irish
Dedicated2Life.com

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Robin

I love you, Meredith. I just had to tell you this because I have so done this.

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Tina

When I drink at the sushi bar, I graduated from Stanford – pre law. I dropped out to travel with my ex who was an executive engineer for an international firm. We broke up because I ended up in the oil business and my own travels were just too cumbersome for our relationship.

True version:
I was accepted to Stanford. I NEVER finished college. I have an ex who was a foreman for a construction company that builds hotels and apartment complexes, but that selfish bastard never let me do ANYTHING with him – he had hoes in different area codes. I worked at an oil distribution (trucking) company that managed gas stations. I traveled 3 hours in all directions.

I like drunk on sushi and saki me WAY more.

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