Case of the Mondays: The Boys Club

Welcome to Case of the Mondays, where I tell you things (from a Human Resources Manager’s perspective) that apply to you (as an employee).  It’s an advice column to help you stay employed, find employment, and make more money in your career.  

Stop acting like a woman if you want to get into the Boys Club. And trust me, you want to get into the Boys Club.

Ladies, let me help you out here. Please don’t take this personally.  I am telling you this because I’ve made these mistakes myself. I have learned from them, and I have become more successful in all aspects of my life.

STOP ACTING LIKE A WOMAN AT WORK.

There. I said it.

If you want to make it in business (or life in general), you need to start thinking like a man.  Women are BETTER at business than men, once we get past the stupid things that hold us back.

THERE’S NO CRYING IN BUSINESS! 

It’s funny that I am telling you this because I cried at work on Friday. Well, I didn’t cry at work. I cried in my car in the back of the parking lot. I cried where no one could see me crying. And then I freshened myself up, and I went back inside.

I get it. Sometimes we need to let it out. Sometimes our jobs are stressful. Sometimes we disagree with our boss or a co-worker. Sometimes we had a fight with our lover before we came to work. Whatever is causing that lump in your throat, get up from your cubicle and walk away. Go somewhere else so no one ever sees you crying. Sit in your car, take a drive, go to the bathroom. But DO NOT sit and weep where others can see you.

You look weak.

You look like you cannot handle the stresses of your job.

You make people uncomfortable.

You might disagree with me and say, “Meredith, everyone knows crying is cool and acceptable in 2012.” I am here to tell you that you’re wrong.

Don’t cry. You look like a pansy. I know because your manager and co-workers tell me things like, “Suzie’s a hot mess. We need someone that mentally handle this place.”

STOP BEING CATTY!

You girls can be real female dogs when you want to be. It drives everyone around you NUTS.

Hi, Suzie! I LOVE those shoes. Your hair is perfect today!

*after Suzie walks away*

I wouldn’t be caught dead in those shoes. She looks like a freaking hooker. And is her hair circa 1987, or what?

Stop this now. If you don’t like her – stop talking to her! That’s what boys do. When they don’t like someone they work with, they just stop talking to them unless it’s vital to accomplish some sort of work function.

I never hear the men at work being fake nice to each other. If they have a problem with someone, they say their piece. They get it off their chest, and they move one. That’s it. They certainly don’t pretend.

Stop pretending to be friends. We have known you hate Suzie for years. We just think you look dumb.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT BEING LIKED!

This one is hard for me. I want EVERYONE to like me. I like to be liked. Everyone does.

But in my job, I sometimes have to grow this GIANT pair of balls. Sometimes I have to tell people that I genuinely like hard things like, “You no longer work here.” Let me tell you, there isn’t a faster way to be hated by that person and every member of their family.

I had to learn to let it go.

I know Suzie hates me because she’s turning away customers at a 245% rate, and I called her out on it. I’m cool with that. It doesn’t bother me. It’s part of my job. I’m not going to sit around and worry about it.

As a matter of fact, ladies, when someone hates you – let it be fuel to your fire to do a better job at work. This person wants you to get fired or hit by a bus. You will not only look both ways before you cross a street, you will also outperform that whore on a daily basis. Got it? Good.

We don’t care if Suzie likes us. We don’t like her either.

BE ACCOUNTABLE!

Ladies, you are so unaccountable for your mistakes. It makes me insane!

When you mess up, admit it, find a solution, and move forward. Don’t blame it on something or someone else.

DON’T BE NEEDY!

Men don’t need much at work. Ladies, we do.

I am so guilty of this.

• I need compliments that I did a good job.
• I need the latest and greatest computer.
• I need a good parking space.
• I need to think I look pretty, and I want you to tell me I look pretty.
• I need you to ask me if I want lunch, or my feelings will be hurt that you forgot about me.

See?

We have to stop it.

GET TO THE POINT!

No more super wordy emails.

Let’s pretend that I had an employee cuss out a customer (this would be absolutely terrible), and my boss told me to handle it. Here’s an example of an email that is to the point.

TO: Richard
FROM: Meredith
DATE: January 13, 2012
SUBJECT: Mr. Thompson – Upset Customer

Richard,

I handled Mr. Thompson.

I gave him:

• $100 gift certificate towards his next purchase
•  My word that we will try harder next time

Also, I fired Lee for his behavior. I will fight his unemployment if he files.

Meredith

See? Boys like you to talk to them like that.

STOP SUING PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VAGINA!

It’s possible that you were passed up for a promotion because someone wanted a man instead. And most likely, they wanted a man because you act like a princess at work, and they want you to act more like a man.

I sit in Senior Management. I didn’t get here acting like a princess.

I am not going to sue my employer if they pick a man over me. As a matter of fact, a couple of years ago, they DID pick a man over me for a promotion. But guess what, I didn’t sue them. I worked harder than ever and sucked it up. And now I have his job.

Suing on account of your vagina gets you kicked out of the Boys Club forever. Unless they did something terrible to you, like this: Aaron’s Harassment Lawsuit. If someone whacks on you, you complain, and they do nothing… you can sue.

WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?

It’s no secret. It’s a man’s world. You can argue with me about that as well.

Maybe you’re lucky enough to work with a bunch of women. Even if you are that lucky, I can almost guarantee that women who have GIANT balls and act more like men, are more successful (even when they work with all women). Plus, you will probably change jobs one day and have to work with men. You want to get promoted. You want to be seen as an asset, a real player in the game, not a whiny girl.