Dear Mom & Dad,
Have I told you lately how young you both are looking? Retirement looks good on you two!
Also? Shaun’s out of town. Have I told you that?
I hope Shaun’s enjoying his little gaming conference.
Especially since I called him last night, and it sounded like a scene from The Hangover was playing out when he told me he wasn’t coming home just because I was mad at the kids.
Which is fine.
I mean, I sort of “get it”. I wasn’t coming home from the New York City girls weekend if he was mad at them, either. But that’s just it. His mother totally took the kids when I was out of town. He had the whole thing set up with her, and I’m pretty sure he just got drunk the whole time I was gone.
But I also made sure he had everything he needed at this house before I left. He didn’t have to take them anywhere.
I had to take them to the grocery store.
I needed toilet paper.
Do you see toilet paper? NO! NO YOU DON’T!
I put Lilah and Logan in the cart, and Lars was walking beside me.
Now, we just need toilet paper. We’re going to run in here and get it. And if you’re good, Mommy will buy you a candy bar at the check out.
Of course, we walked past the liquor aisle, so I helped myself to some Skinnygirl margarita. And of course, in the liquor aisle was a bin of children’s books, so Lilah helped herself to a new book.
And then Logan went nuts for the massive amount of cookies in a school bus box, so we had to get those. The cookies were next to a giant display of baggies, and I figured I needed some baggies to put the cookies in when they start school. And the chicken was on sale for $4, so I threw that in the cart.
As for the rest of the items? I have no clue how they got in the cart. Mainly because, once we got to the toilet paper aisle, Logan yelled,
MOMMY! I HAVE TO PEE! I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD! I’M GONNA PEE IN THIS BATHROOM AISLE!
NO! NO, LOGAN! You cannot pee here! Lars, run up to the pharmacy window and ask them where there’s a potty!
You’ve seen Lars run. He doesn’t run very fast.
MOMMY! IMMA PEE MY PANTS!
Logan Michael Soleau! I swear, if you pee those pants, you’re in big trouble!
Lars wasn’t back yet, and I didn’t know what to do, so I began frantically pushing the cart. Except then Lars yelled I was going to wrong way, so I whipped and literally RAN while Logan held his wiener, trying not to pee.
We didn’t make it.
By the time we got to the flower department, Logan had exploded.
Mommy. I peed.
And sure enough, he had.
So I scooped him out of the cart, and as I did, I SLIPPED IN HIS PEE AND FELL.
I was covered in a puddle of pee, and Logan was crying because I was holding him when I fell, and Lilah was crying because Logan was crying.
I didn’t know what to do at this point, so I handed Lars the keys to the van, and asked him to take Logan out so I could get toilet paper and check out.
I began walking towards the toilet paper, and then I started freaking out that the 10 year-old was just left in charge of the 4 year-old. So I jutted to the check out, and began putting my items on the conveyor belt.
The cashier was staring at me, you know because I was all wet.
Hi, my son had a little accident in the flower department.
Floral. Floral department.
Yeah. He peed on the floor. And I fell in the pee.
Your son peed on the floor in floral? Where is he now?
My other son took him to the car.
*she gave me the stink eye*
I think I mostly mopped up the pee with my clothes. But if you give me a paper towel or something, I’ll go make sure it’s all cleaned up.
You mopped it with your clothes?
Not on purpose. I fell in the pee.
And you let one child take the other child to the car?
He’s ten. Not the one that peed. He’s only four.
*more stink eye from her*
That’ll be $54.89.
$54.89? What the heck did I buy? Never mind, I need to get out to the car.
I’ll have a Bagger clean up the urine for you.
Thanks. I told them to lock the door, you know. I’m not one of [air finger quotes] “those moms”.
I’m a good mom. My husband’s just out of town.
Your husband’s out of town?
*more stink eye*
He’s really out of town, lady! He didn’t leave me or something!
I never said…
I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES!
Mom & Dad, as you can see, I was never meant to be a single parent. I’ve been wiping myself with Avengers napkins, from their birthday party, for two days.
And as I type this, Logan is outside peeing on a tree, and Lilah is trying to catch it.
WHAT IS IT WITH THESE KIDS AND PEE?!
I need help.
Please move in with me until Shaun comes home on Sunday.
Only Favorite Daughter