Today kicks off our family’s summer vacation. We’re going to Wisconsin Dells, WI. The waterpark capitol of the world. Yay! I’m so excited! *insert sarcasm*
The trip seemed like a good idea until a couple of unplanned events took place.
I started my period last night. I started my period last night – one week early. I blame Skype. Can girls you chat with on Skype change the start date of your period? Also, I have a serious phobia of putting a tampon inside of my vagina. Penis? Done. Tampons? Puke and pass out. Some people fear flying. Some people fear the water. I fear tampons.
This is about what happens: I put it near the entrance of my hoo-ha, the tip of the applicator touches my baby chute, I turn white as a ghost, puke, and pass out. The same thing happens during my annual exam with those salad tong things.
I was 16 years-old the first time I tried to use a tampon. I had been begging my mother to let me try them for two years, and I finally went out and bought some with my allowance. My poor mother heard the thud of me falling off of the toilet and rushed into the bathroom. She found me laying there. I had a tampon applicator in one hand and my pants around my ankles.
Meredith, are you okay?! What are you doing?!
You tell me! Were you trying to put in a… *gasp* *terror in her eyes* … a tampon? Meredith Danielle Ludwig! Tampons are for easy girls! You can get toxic shock syndrome and die! Do you want to die? Is this a cry for help?
Yes, Mom, I was trying to insert a tampon. All of my friends are going to Centennial Quarry today, and I want to go. And all the other girls wear tampons…
Just wear your dad’s boxers over your suit, and wear this giant pad that’s the size of a skateboard.
But, Mom! I will be drippy.
Everyone is drippy. Just get out of the water, grab your bag, go to the bathroom, and change into a fresh pad when you’re done swimming. You’ll be fine.
But, Mom! Burt will be there. What if he sees the pad? I would die. I would just die!
He won’t. And I swear to God if that boy is close enough to see the pad, or if he is trying to touch you…
Yeah, I will be the dork with my husband’s boxer shorts over my bathing suit all week to hide the massive pad in my bathing suit. Awesome. I blame my mother’s constant brain-washing for the complete mental shut down that occurs.
Did I mention the central air conditioner went out in our house two days ago? The whole unit (from 1974) needs to be replaced to the tune of $2,000. You know, the $2,000 that we had saved to take this trip.
So we had to make a choice. Were we going to take this trip and allow me to bleed all over Wisconsin Dells like a girl dog in heat? Or were we going to cancel the trip and fix the central air?
We took the trip.
We have been in the car for exactly four hours now. Everyone is pissed off. My boss suggested drugging the children with Dramamine to make them sleep. Apparently, this has the reverse effect on my children. And somehow I have turned into the van concierge.
The babies are sick of movies and whining. Logan is throwing everything I give him, and he threw his sippy-cup out of the window before I realized what was happening.
Lars is singing very loudly and driving us all nuts, and Lilah just ate some Crayola markers. Like, literally. But since she was being quiet, I just let her eat them. They’re nontoxic, so I’m sure she’s fine.
Finally, we’re driving about 40mph because there is some sort of Midwest hurricane going on today, resulting in my husband screaming at us all, since I’m pretty sure he thinks we’re going to die. God forbid he pulls over until the storm passes.
I’m not pulling over! We’re going on vacation, and I want to get there so WE CAN HAVE SOME FUCKING FUN, CHRIST!
Fine. Kill us all because there is zero visability while taking Jesus’ name in vain. You’re so smart over there, SHAUN!
All of this commotion is interrupting my frantic online research for sites about the easiest tampons to insert. Do you think the box of Playtex Gentle Glide tampons, that I bought when I was 16 years-old, are still absorbent? I totally brought them with me. Or will they cause toxic shock syndrome and result in my death (if driving through this storm doesn’t kill me first)? We shall see.
I’ll be sure to let you know how it all goes on Twitter.
I sort of already hate this whole vacation. I am starting to think we should have fixed the central air.