A whole day in the car with these jerks? Next time, we’ll fly.

by Meredith on July 11, 2011

Today kicks off our family’s summer vacation.  We’re going to Wisconsin Dells, WI.  The waterpark capitol of the world.  Yay!  I’m so excited!  *insert sarcasm*

The trip seemed like a good idea until a couple of unplanned events took place.

I started my period last night.  I started my period last night – one week early.  I blame Skype.  Can girls you chat with on Skype change the start date of your period?  Also, I have a serious phobia of putting a tampon inside of my vagina.  Penis?  Done.  Tampons?  Puke and pass out.  Some people fear flying.  Some people fear the water.  I fear tampons.

This is about what happens:  I put it near the entrance of my hoo-ha, the tip of the applicator touches my baby chute, I turn white as a ghost, puke, and pass out.  The same thing happens during my annual exam with those salad tong things.

I was 16 years-old the first time I tried to use a tampon.  I had been begging my mother to let me try them for two years, and I finally went out and bought some with my allowance.  My poor mother heard the thud of me falling off of the toilet and rushed into the bathroom.  She found me laying there.  I had a tampon applicator in one hand and my pants around my ankles.

Meredith, are you okay?!  What are you doing?!

What happened?

You tell me!  Were you trying to put in a… *gasp*  *terror in her eyes* … a tampon?  Meredith Danielle Ludwig!  Tampons are for easy girls!  You can get toxic shock syndrome and die!  Do you want to die?  Is this a cry for help?

Yes, Mom, I was trying to insert a tampon.  All of my friends are going to Centennial Quarry today, and I want to go.  And all the other girls wear tampons…

Just wear your dad’s boxers over your suit, and wear this giant pad that’s the size of a skateboard.

But, Mom!  I will be drippy.

Everyone is drippy.  Just get out of the water, grab your bag, go to the bathroom, and change into a fresh pad when you’re done swimming.  You’ll be fine.

But, Mom!  Burt will be there.  What if he sees the pad?  I would die.  I would just die!

He won’t.  And I swear to God if that boy is close enough to see the pad, or if he is trying to touch you…

Mom!

Yeah, I will be the dork with my husband’s boxer shorts over my bathing suit all week to hide the massive pad in my bathing suit.  Awesome.  I blame my mother’s constant brain-washing for the complete mental shut down that occurs.

Did I mention the central air conditioner went out in our house two days ago?  The whole unit (from 1974) needs to be replaced to the tune of $2,000.  You know, the $2,000 that we had saved to take this trip.

So we had to make a choice.  Were we going to take this trip and allow me to bleed all over Wisconsin Dells like a girl dog in heat?  Or were we going to cancel the trip and fix the central air?

We took the trip.

We have been in the car for exactly four hours now.  Everyone is pissed off.  My boss suggested drugging the children with Dramamine to make them sleep.  Apparently, this has the reverse effect on my children.   And somehow I have turned into the van concierge.

The babies are sick of movies and whining.  Logan is throwing everything I give him, and he threw his sippy-cup out of the window before I realized what was happening.

Lars is singing very loudly and driving us all nuts, and Lilah just ate some Crayola markers.  Like, literally.  But since she was being quiet, I just let her eat them.  They’re nontoxic, so I’m sure she’s fine.

Finally, we’re driving about 40mph because there is some sort of Midwest hurricane going on today, resulting in my husband screaming at us all, since I’m pretty sure he thinks we’re going to die.  God forbid he pulls over until the storm passes.

I’m not pulling over!  We’re going on vacation, and I want to get there so WE CAN HAVE SOME FUCKING FUN, CHRIST!

Fine.  Kill us all because there is zero visability while taking Jesus’ name in vain.  You’re so smart over there, SHAUN!

All of this commotion is interrupting my frantic online research for sites about the easiest tampons to insert.  Do you think the box of Playtex Gentle Glide tampons, that I bought when I was 16 years-old, are still absorbent?  I totally brought them with me.  Or will they cause toxic shock syndrome and result in my death (if driving through this storm doesn’t kill me first)?  We shall see.

I’ll be sure to let you know how it all goes on Twitter.

I sort of already hate this whole vacation.  I am starting to think we should have fixed the central air.

{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

Daisy

I blame Skype for EVERYTHING for what it is worth.

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Meredith

Are you on your period right now, Daisy? You tell me the truth!

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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

Kids and tampons ruin everything, especially vacations.

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Meredith

We should take this show on the road, and do speeches to high school girls about sex.

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wendy

Maybe it’s time to give the kids vodka?

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Meredith

YES! How about Moscato? I have some in the van. I just need a corkscrew.

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Nancy P

I feel sort of guilty for taking pleasure in this post. But come ON, it reads funny. :)

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Meredith

May you start your period today.

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Bernadette

I totally feel your pain. I dread the thought of tampons! I hate them! I hope your vacay turns around! I just wanted to say I love your blogs! Just when I am feeling like the worst parent ever, I read your blog and realize that everyone goes thru similar things with their children! Thanks for letting me know I am not alone!!

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Meredith

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I love these words, “just when I am feeling like a bad parent…”

Count on me to unite bad parents everywhere. Glad I can be of assistance.

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Sarah

Two words- Plastic. Applicators. The only kind I use and I never had TSS. You can also stop (because a freak hurricane is not a good enough reason) and get Always infinity pads. Super thin and super absorbent. I used them post maternity with my 3rd kid. They’re so awesome I’d actually be concerned that you might dry up the water park with one.
Now that would be awkward.

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Meredith

The mental picture I just got made me laugh. Thanks for the tip!

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Adria

You need to get over this tampon thing. Pretend it’s a tiny, absorbent penis.

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Meredith

If God wanted cotton in my vagina, he would have grown it in there. But I will try.

Do I have to give it a tiny hand job to get it ready? Will the tampon get me drunk and buy me dinner first?

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Adria

Umm, he didn’t grow a penis in your vagina, and you have no issues with those, so your argument is invalid. I win.

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Jen S

Ha!! What she said!!

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Amanda @ There Are 2 Sides

I would have been more grossed out about having to wear my dads boxer shorts. His junk touches those. Dad junk = vomit.

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Meredith

Thanks, Amanda. I never thought of that. I now feel the need to bleach my entire lower body.

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Katrina

Hahaha, I like the Playtex Sport tampons. I think they are the easiest…though this is coming from a long-time tampon user. (My Mom freaked out about tampons too. I had to sneak them for a long time. She also freaked about thong underwear. Good thing I’ve worked since age 14 and had my own money!)

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Erin

I second the vote for Playtex Sport. Way better than the competition, I just wish they made them in Super Plus and Light. BEST TAMPONS EVER.

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Marci

Erin – they do make them in super plus….saw them in the store a few weeks ago!

just an fyi :)

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AmazingGreis

O.M.G. man up already and put in a tampon!!! Because the thought of you wearing a pad in your bathing suit, while at a waterpark, gives me the heebie jeebies!! You kill me, for realz!!

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Lisa

I can’t get over how many grown women have never used tampons. I agree with a previous user – plastic applicators!! Been using since I first got my period, and trained my teenaged daughter to use them too from the get-go. Why miss out on fun because of a period? I never use pads. Messy and gross. Be daring.

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Kristen

Do you remember when we were little girls – we had planned to go to the waterpark the Beach and you started your period so we had to cancel going to the waterpark the day of and go to Shipsawanna instead. Do you remember this? You, your mom, and brother along with my mom, brother, and myself went.

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Connie

If Dramamine doesn’t work, a slight OD of Tylenol does it every time. Also BE A BIG GIRL and wear a tampon. GEEEEZZZZZ

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Carla

I dont even know where to begin… First, I am soo jealous that we couldnt go with yall..
Secondly, and I m sure you dont remember this.. One summer we went to a lake house with your family,( I think it was in Michigan) and I had just started my period. I am still scarred to this day of the memory of your mom, my mom, and Julia in the bathroom trying to “show” me how to insert a tampon..!! This blog makes me wonder what your mom was trying to do to me???? Im gonna have to call her! Was she trying to make me easy??!! For crying out loud, I was only 14 and they were trying to make me use one.. I never did get it..:( I did however, get whacked in the face by a tube! What a crappy vacation!
Thirdly, I have finally(now that I am 40) mastered the tampon and trust me-BEST THING EVER! I highly recommend Tampax Pearl.
Your children are adorable, tell Shaun to turn around and come to Georgia.. I will take them off your hands for a few days.. Whats 3 more, right???
Sorry, I didnt mean to monopolize your blog, I love you and hope you have fun without me… :(

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Jessica

I have just been recently reading your blog and I want you to know that you are f***ing hilarious! You must be my twin. I think your mom may have scared you from using tampons. I was scared too for a long time, but I will tell you my favorite ones to use…I really like Playtex Gentle Glide, they’re pretty damn good. But the easiest ones for me to insert and they’re very absorbent are Tampax Pearl (I use regular size) and they’re plastic so don’t worry (Never use cardboard). I suggest you try them, if they don’t work then blame your mom for scarring you for life. BTW you might want to give your kids some melatonin and put some lavender on their nose and loveys (both are great to make ppl drowsy). I hope you have a great vacation in the long run because Wisconsin Dells is fun! Oh and I am sorry you got your period….they ruin everything.

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Annie Y

Look at it this way, you could be pregnant instead and not able to enjoy any alcoholic beverages while the children are driving you nuts!
This is my life!

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Kerrey

Plastic applicator + Astroglide, you’re good to go. Also, pad at the waterpark? Eeeewwwww!

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Jayme (Random Blogette)

It is raining like a mo-fo today! I could barely drive 30 down Secor this afternoon!

So yeah this whole tampon thing. I couldn’t use a tampon until I lost my V card, my senior year. I got lucky (LOL!) that I lost my V card right before I went to Cancun for my senior spring break since I started the day before we left. That would’ve sucked. I do think that your mom scared you from using tampons and now it is a psychological thing. Just do it girl! The Dells is going to suck walking around with a drippy pad. You need to get the Pearl tampons. They’re great!

And so I have to know, did you go to Centennial Quarry with a pad on? All I can picture is it soaking up all of the quarry water, or falling out in the quarry. Totally had that happen once in a pool when I thought it was ok to wear a pad. True story.

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Meredith

I totally went, no one ever knew. I got in the water once for about a minute and laid out the rest of the time with a towel wrapped around me.

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Jayme (Random Blogette)

Very nice! You have some skillz.

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Hannah

You did it wrong! You have to leave at 2 am..so they will sleep in the car!

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Cathy

As everyone else said…. suck it up and go with the tampon. I even converted my sister who had the hardiest time.

One word of caution, and I am honestly not saying this to scare you any more than you already are. I had always used Tampax (cardboard and Pearl — go with the Pearl ‘cuz they are MUCH easier to insert). Anyways, back in college I didn’t plan well and had to get one out of the machine in the bathroom. It was Playtex. Didn’t think anything of it and inserted it. I did end up with TSS symptoms even though the Playtex was a much lower absorbancy than what I normally used. I went home, took it out and laid down for an hour or so and I was perfectly fine. Later that night I used Tampax and was fine. So, if you do use one and get sick, don’t think they are all the same. But, you really should go with a plastic applicator and start with a smaller aborsbancy.

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Katie

I feel your pain. I get my period EVERYTIME I GO ANYWHERE. For real. I even got in on my honeymoon. The worst experience I’ve had was on a trip with 12 girls. I got it unexpectedly and had to buy Tampax (which I hate with a burning passion – Playtex Gentle Glide all the way) at a Casey’s General Store because we were in the middle of nowhere and that was all they had. I spent the next day on a pontoon boat with no bathroom bleeding through those motherfuckers. I bled through my suit and towel and ended up having to change my tampon on the boat surrounded by a makeshift room made of towels held up by my friends. I’m not even kidding.

I hope you have a much better vacation than that!

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Mackenzie

Um, put your big girl panties on, not your dad’s boxers (gag), and put in that tampon! Also as a doctor, I do not recommend dramamine, but as a mommy I might recommend benadryhl. But you didn’t hear it from me!

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Traci

Seriously…..you crack me up!! Hope it gets better!! My mom and dad said benadryl knocked me out when I was a kid, maybe try that :)

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Lisa

Unfortunately, they changed the formula for Benadryl sometime in the late 90′s. It doesn’t quite work the same on children.

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Tara

Um, yeah.
That pretty sounds like it sucks.
Let’s see . . . comforting words . . . Oh, I know. At least you didn’t have to go to Disney with your husband two months after he left you on Christmas Day like I did.

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Shawn

So yesterday my period started and I went to throw away my pad and there in the waste basket were other pads from a different brand. My nanny totally did this so me. So check your nanny- it could be her messing you up… either that or it’s me and my nanny.
I agree I hate tampons too! But I would still wear one over a pad when swimming. This is clearly a mental thing. Try hypnosis. Or tampon therapy.

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Jill

Playtex are the best. Although I hate tampons since I gave birth, I have a little issue with them now, they don’t stay in me, at all and slide right out. Apparently the doctor didn’t put any extra stitches in if you know what I mean. So I’ve resorted to pads and feel like my 13 year old, Junior High self.

I don’t think men know that you should pull over when it is raining that hard. My husband won’t even use windshield wipers sometimes, it drives me so crazy that I reach over and turn them on for him and then he gets mad. Well, fuck-o, do you want to die??? We do have a kid now!!! And if he does suck it up and use them, he uses them on intermittent, gah!!!!!!!!

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ChiMomWriter

I survived the Dells over the spring break window, so I feel I have a little license to laugh at this post. But my car ride was only 4 hours, so a big win for me there.

It’s not a real family vacation unless the profanity starts long before you’ve hit the car.

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Ang

OMG!!! You painted such a picture about the tampon and your Mom walking in you had me laughing so hard I almost Pee’d my panties!!!! Personally, I use OB Tampons withOUT applicators, might sound gross but very easy to insert, install, input, whatever you want to call it. MUCH easier than any of the others I ever used – back when I HAD a period. Thankfully I don’t have to deal with that anymore now that I’ve had a hysterectomy the WAY to go!!

Saw your site on 20/20 this evening, I thought ya’ll did a great job!!! I want a Nanny and I only have one child but Whew! Wears my rear-end out!

–Ang

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Kodie

Umm if you’re afraid of getting toxic shock, DO NOT read the post on my blog from a weeks ago where I explained how I almost died from TSS. Who knew you could get it from your FREAKING TONSILS!!

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Crystal Case

It’s official, I’m a fan! Great blog and very, very funny!

Crystal

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