I don’t know how else to say this.
I have been failing my son. As his mother, I am falling very short.
This isn’t easy for me to write. But if nothing else, it’s honest, and maybe it will help some mother, somewhere, who is silently beating her head against the wall.
Logan has been labeled “a difficult child” his entire life (he’s four-years-old).
He has dramatic outbursts, runs away from you at the worst times (like in the grocery store or at an amusement park), and flat out does not respond to any sort of discipline.
Time outs are a failure. Yelling is a failure. Spanking him is a failure.
This has caused extreme anxiety in our home.
Logan just won’t listen to us. It’s almost like he is trying to be bad. And then he’ll look at you and apologize, but you KNOW he’s really not sorry for biting his sister and hitting his brother because he turns around and does it again.
For all of his little life, I have thought, something is wrong with Logan.
Shaun’s parents have said it’s because Shaun was a terror as a child, and this was his payback. Thanks a lot, Shaun.
But I couldn’t accept him being a “difficult child” as an answer. There was something else. Something more. Logan wasn’t my first child, and he wasn’t my last. His brother and sister just seem… I don’t know… happier to be in this world. And I know all children are different, and that you cannot compare your children to each other, but he is very different.
The truth of the matter is, Logan worries me to death. And not in an I-hope-he-doesn’t-kill-people-and-make-them-into-lampshades kind of way, but more in an I-hope-he-doesn’t-wind-up-in-jail-because-he-won’t-listen-to-us-ever kind of way.
He’s the sweetest kid you’ve ever met. Which seems contradictory, I know. I can’t really explain this very well, but he’s my little bleeding heart of a child. He’s very funny, and very smart, with a kind heart, and an understanding that seems way beyond his years.
It doesn’t make sense, does it? How can this little person, who is so kind and gentle at times, flip his entire demeanor in an instant.
So after four years of struggling with a child that didn’t seem like he liked us very much at times, a child that everyone kept telling me probably has ADHD (something I refused to believe), I think I’ve finally found an answer.
I read an article (written by my dear friend, Allison Zapata) that brought me to tears. Finally, someone has put into words what I’ve been trying to say for years.
And after I read every thing I could find about highly sensitive children on the Internet, every article came glaring back with the same answer… Logan is highly sensitive. He’s not broken.
- He would not latch on to breast feed, even after consultations with lactation nurses.
- He didn’t seem happy as an infant. He didn’t really want to be held, cried a lot, and threw up almost every time he ate. Even the most expensive and most gentle formulas did not help.
- Shaun used to say, “I think he is either reading my mind or staring into my soul,” when he was a baby.
- He has very sensitive skin (often resulting rashes – more so when he was younger).
- He tells me everything “smells bad” and plugs his nose by shoving his tiny fingers inside his nostrils.
- Music is always “too loud” and he wants even the quietest music turned off.
- He has his entire wedding planned. He is marrying our nanny in “Cowboy Town” (Phoenix, Arizona), and gets very jealous if Becky even mentions she went on a date with another man. He’s four years-old, and I sincerely think he believes that he will marry Becky one day. This is awesome because he loves her so much, but heartbreaking because he is so serious about this.
- He has a vocabulary beyond his years. When I was having him tested for his speech problems, he tested at the eight-year-old level.
- After Cha-Cha (our dog) died, he has developed a curiosity about all things death related. His imaginary playmate is his Dead Papa Logan who lives in the bone yard. First of all, no one has ever said “bone yard” to this child. And he doesn’t have a “Dead Papa Logan”. Weird playmate, right? And he wants to know about anything that could kill him or his family. Storms are particularly difficult at our house.
- We have to pray for everyone’s health each night to God/Santa (in his head, they are the same person, no matter what I tell him). These prayers sometimes last 20 minutes, blessing even the new neighbors whom we’ve never met.
- He remembers everything. Everything. The child’s mind is a steel trap.
- He behaves badly when there is a lot of chaos (at a party, at a grocery store, etc.). And by chaos, I’m saying there are a lot of sensations (lights, lots of people, sounds, smells, etc.).
- He settles down in small groups and calm settings. For example, he can sit and play in his sandbox, as long as he’s by himself, for an hour or more.
- He doesn’t know a stranger. He will tell everyone what he thinks, as soon as he thinks it.
- He is very loving and very passionate in expressing his love to others. “Mommy, I love you so much that my heart could just burst. I just wish I could tell you how much I love you with more words.”
- When I ask him why he did something wrong, his reply is always the same, “My brain made me do it. This side of my brain. I don’t know why I be so bad all the time,” as he holds the left side of his forehead.
So, after researching everything I could, at this time, I think I may know what the deal is with Logan. He’s highly sensitive. His little antenna is probably just tuned in harder than yours or mine.
And that brings me relief. I’ve made him an appointment with an occupational therapist to see if I’m on to something.
Maybe he doesn’t hate us.
Maybe we just overwhelm his senses. Maybe I can stop failing him as his mother.
Do you have a highly sensitive child? Does Logan sound like your child? What are some changes you made that helped?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
The absolute biggest indicator to me that you are NOT failing him as a parent, is this blog itself. You care, are concerned, are willing to fight what people tell you (he’s ADHD, he’s ‘payback’) and look into what could actually be his ‘problem’. You describe with love and concern. Good for you!
I am/was a preschool teacher (for 13 years, now I am a SAHM) and have had only limited dealings with the issues you describe, but it fits perfectly with what I know as well. I prayer and hope that the OT will be able to lead you all to a better place!
I don’t have a highly sensitive child but I could relate to your post is regards to feeling like you’ve failed your child. My son has several medical conditions. As I learn more, I realize what I’ve been doing wrong or could’ve been doing better. It makes me feel like the crappiest mom when I learn something new and realize I haven’t been giving him all he needed. Some things are easy to fix and just require a little education on my part. While learning new things is eye opening, it also makes me sad because I haven’t been doing it right all along.
I’m happy for you and your family that you’ve made this breakthrough. Hopefully, you’ll learn all about highly sensitive children and how to help him. Logan’s lucky to have such a great mom! And we’re all lucky that children are so forgiving.
Ok. I WAS Logan growing up.
(Example: I was convinced I was going to marry Kenny Rogers. My heart broke into a million pieces when he got married. The fact that he was 60 years my senior did not upset me. It was that if he got married, he couldn’t marry me.)
(2nd Example: I once found a lipstick in my father’s dob kit. I was sure it meant my father was either cheating on my mom, or a cross-dresser. I was 7. My parents put me in therapy.)
The best thing you can do for him is make him feel safe. It will cut down on anxiety. Routines help a lot, so that there aren’t any surprises. Stability and consistency, you know?
Good luck!
Oh my, my 12-year-old was Logan when he was four and still is. He’s my only child and I have NO INTENTION of ever having more because of how hard it has been. Glad you are realizing now and getting help because trust me, it gets HORRIBLE around nine years. Now I need to go research this….
Oh sweetie. I have this child. Although he is 21 now and there was no information like this when he was growing up. Hang on for the ride. My son Reilly sounds just like your little Logan. He was always described as a handful. I have no answers for you but to prepare. School was especially difficult for him and I too was told he had ADHD, pooh.
Large group situations are terrible for sensitive children. And I had do much trouble explaining to school personnel that he did not have a learning disorder but required a different teaching style and environment than other children. Consistency is key. My son is still struggling with the world. But he is the kindest,sweetest,tenderest and most funny
He is charming bright and quick. He is also mean,selfish,brave to a dangerous degree and reckless. He is easy to love and hard to handle and he will love you hard too. Keep researching and I hope everything turns out well. Never give up
person I know. He is charming,quick and smart.
I love your blog and your post! As a parent of a special needs child I understand what you are going through and how you are currently feeling. But take heart, you are not failing your child and this post proves it. My special needs child is 15 and while her diagnosis is different some of the things that you listed are also issues that I have dealt with. I just want you to know that it does get better and they do become less sensitive to some of these things. Going to a therapist is a great idea as you want to teach him coping skills and work on overcoming being overly sensitive.
It will be work but I have faith that you will all get through it. Good luck!!! You will all be just fine!
YOU’RE NOT FAILING!! Honestly you’re not. You’re trying and that’s the best anyone can do with a sensitive child. My oldest daughter was like this. Still is, a bit, but has mellowed out in her teen years. You will get through this and so will Logan. Just keep breathing. It does get better.
Logan sounds lke a combo of my first and second kids. Amanda(6) and Kieran(almost 4) both have a strange fascination with death. No dead playmates, just talking at length about people and animals that have passed away.
They both would run away from me at the worst moments, Amanda in a crowded store and Kieran at any new place. He once ran into a parking lot to get out of walking into a McDonalds.
KIeran gets rashes from EVERYTHING. Dove is the only soap I can use on him and forget laundry detergent. I’ve given up on that. He also doesn’t like singing(especially the birthday song) everyone is a stranger (except girls ages 4-18), the slightest thing can send him into a drooling, snotting, blubbering hot mess.
Amanda is also easily set off, she also turns into a sobbing, wailing banshee, keening away about how “she didn’t ever_______” and her “mommy doesn’t love her”. She’s been like this since birth. I swear she didn’t sleep through the night until she was 5.
The best way to describe Amanda is a hummingbird or as my husband calls it “ferret syndrome”. She’ll stop mid sentence and rush to whatever shiny or furry thing has caught her eye. She’s never met a stranger or a pregnant belly she couldn’t rub and everybody is her best friend.
Neither one of them listen very well. Maybe it’s because they never stop talking long enough to hear what I am saying. Spanking and yelling does absolutely no good, it just make things worse. Time outs are iffy, but I’ll take it.
I know how you feel. You know that some thing just isn’t quite right and you throw a couple more layers of mom guilt on yourself. One for thinking you failed as a parent and screwed up your kid and one for thinking you might just be neurotic and screwing up your kid anyway.
Yep, I’ve got that down. The only thing that has helped is consistency. Find a discipline that works and keep doing it even after it stops working, it’ll start working again.
Dead Papa Logan moved! Last time Logan told me he had to take the Rocketship to visit him! Haha, while he may be “different”, you are right, he is the sweetest boy, and I always look forward to his greeting when I walk in the door at your house!
Hang in there! Kids don’t come with instruction manuals! My brother has Asperger’s Syndrome, which is in the Autism spectrum. I watched as my mom fought for YEARS to figure out what was wrong with my brother. She didn’t necessarily want him to have a label, but she wanted to know what she was up against. She was phoo-phoo’d by lots of doctors who told her he had ADD, but she did not accept that diagnosis. She had done her homework (like you), knew what his symptoms were, and knew that they didn’t fit with ADD. She started to keep a journal so she could document his reactions when different things happened, when he tried new foods, etc. She stuck with it, and 10 years later doctors pinpointed what the issue really was. Thank God that research has come a long way since then! (He was diagnosed 11 years ago.)
I think my biggest advice would be:
1.) Be persistent. The doctors don’t live with you and see your child everyday. If something doesn’t feel right about what a doctor tells you, get another opinion. Trust your instincts!!
2.) Do your homework – research and ask questions about diagnoses, medications, etc. before you agree
3.) Journal – keep track of everything. Even the smallest thing can help fine tune Logan’s course of “treatment”
Oh, I’m with you in the highly sensitive child club. Mine’s 7. He often tells me his brain is spinning and makes him do things. He recently made himself physically ill after being with my sister, her husband, her 3 kids, dog, bird and my parents for a week. He came home and said there was too much noise and it made him sick.
You’re doing great. YOu know his limits and even though they’ll continue to evolve, I know you’re going to do fabulous with him!
xoxo
I have a nephew that is at the opposite side of this sensitivity problem. While most kids with this are overly sensitive, my nephew is under stimulated which still causes problems. He’ll randomly throw himself into things just to feel the sensation. You’re not alone. From what I’ve read, there’s still such a lack of understanding (by the world, not the experts) so it’s hard to pinpoint. Now that you know, you’re gonna rock this thing chica!
You are not a bad mother! My two brothers and I are wildly different. Our parents did the best with us, with varying levels of success (I’m the best, obviously).
I don’t know your son; I only know what you’ve written. ADD/ADHD are over-diagnosed, yes, often to just deal with high-energy kids. My mom resisted the idea that my twin brother had a problem for years, but finally, around 4th/5th grade, our pediatrician suggested he see a specialist. My mom and twin brother did some sort of fancy all-day testing. My mom found out in her 40s she has ADD, and my twin has ADHD. They both take Concerta for it, and honestly, it’s like night & day. They don’t take it on the weekends or during holidays, but by the end of Christmas vacation, the rest of us are BEGGING for them to take Concerta again.
I just wanted to share a different perspective. There is a stigma attached, I know, and it is over-diagnosed, I know. At the end of the day, you’re his mother, and you know him best. But my mom’s resistance to testing for so long made elementary school unnecessarily challenging for my twin brother.
Ok so as I read this post I got tears. I agree, you are not failing your son. You in fact are doing what you need to to do to help him. I have to say that many of the symptoms (for lack of a better word?) you wrote remind me of my son. He’s now 19 yrs old. At 2 1/2 I was told he was hyper, by 4 he was diagnosed with ADHD and by 6 was on medication for it. HOWEVER, after many years and doctors I finally got a true diagnosis. He isn’t nor was he ever ADHD he has Asperger’s (a form of high functioning Autism). Much of what you listed is also what my son dealt (deals) with – loud sounds, crowds, defiant behavior, talking to strangers and being very loving.
You very well may have hit it with your son being a Sensitive child. But I also think you should look up the criteria for Asperger’s and keep it in the back of your head as you navigate the road ahead in helping your son.
I’m sure you know this but I’ll tell you anyway. YOU and your husband have the final say in ANY treatment your son receives. Be it tests, medications, etc. If you do NOT want your son to go through something or take a certain medication, etc., its your right as his parent to say no and then stick to it. Many people do not realize that they do NOT have to follow a Dr’s orders. The patient or in your case you and your husband have THE final say so in what transpires in your son’s road to happiness.
Lastly, its normal to feel like your failing your child when he’s in a tailspin and nothing you do is helping. Its ok, you are NOT ALONE. Deal with the situation the best you can and move on. If need be cry, its great therapy.
Best wishes Meredith!
Please don’t take this the wrong way. I know exactly how you feel. I have a 14 year old daughter who had the exact symptoms. Identical. I am a psychiatric nurse and didn’t want my child “labeled” so I refused to see the light until my child’s psychiatrist made me read The Bipolar Child. I argued with him for six months before I would read it. I was determined she was not going to be bipolar.
I read the book and circled all the similarities. The pages were covered. I finally agreed to try her on Depakote still hoping it wasn’t so. Within two weeks symptoms got better. People who didn’t know our struggles said, “wow, she really is growing up.”
I had been fighting these symptoms since birth. It took me 8 years to get over my prejudice and get her the help she needed. I wish I hadn’t been so worried about it before.
It sounds like the same symptoms. Maybe I’m wrong but I would recommend reading the book. If nothing else, you can eliminate that issue if nothing else.
And again, I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds or seem like I’m telling you what to do. I just don’t want anybody to go thru what we did when it could be avoided much earlier.
This is my son exactly. Our pediatrician recommended a book called “the difficult child” and it does discuss ADHD but it’s big thing is children’s temperaments. Honestly, the suggestions in how to handle some of the tough stuff was life altering for our family. We have now learned how to manage things as we start to see the signs of trouble and everyone is so much happier. Please feel free to email me. It’s so darn tough and gosh felt like the.worst.mother. But, it will get better. That’s why your a great mom because you aren’t statisfied with the status quo you are working to find solutions. You aren’t alone.
One more thing….a name, actually. Google Temple Grandin. She’s a Ph.D. and lives with autism and asperger’s syndrome. What should give you hope is that she’s highly successful and has written several books. I have a copy of “The Way I See It,” and I send send it home with Shaun if you’d like to read it. She’s a fascinating person!!
You just described my now 16yr old son Justin. Sensitive child was an understatement for him. If he saw on the news that someone died. he would cry and obsess over it for weeks. He can tell you the smallest details from when he was 2yrs old. he never forgets things. He was diagnosed with adhd as a 6yr old, but nothing helped. A new therapist finally diagnosed him with oppositional defiant disorder as one of his issues. Justin used to tell, well scream NO NO NO, no matter what we asked him. We read The Difficult Child and it really helped. Alot of time, patience, and weekly therapy saved our sanity and Justin.
—Samantha
it sounds like you’re doing a great job as a mama. some of us don’t come with the same bits and bobs as other children, and it causes us to be crazy. i only wish we knew more about stuff like this when i was growing up, because that sounds like me. fuck, it still sounds like me in my early-30s. i’m incredibly sensitive to smells, sounds, and lights. even right now, sitting at work, the radio sounds horrifically loud to me and i really want to turn it off but i can’t :/
Your son reminds me of my nephew. He just turned 9 and at 7 was diagnosed with Asperger’s. I think the most thing the diagnosis as done is help those around him understand him better. You know that he’s not just acting out for attention but just can’t help it sometimes.
Hi Meredith, I have been reading your blog for a while now but have never commented but your post made me think of my son. He is also four and has been diagnosed with autism. And he does some of the same things as your son but not all. Have you ever looked up sensory processing disorder? When the doctors first started mentioning austism when my Logan was 2 I googled and read everything and anything I could get my hands on to find a different diagnosis. Anyway some kids are sensory seekers which my son is, and some are sensory avoiders which it sounds like your son is. If you google it it may help.
My son is 9 and is currently in treatment at The Sensory Learning Center. My experience has been remarkably similar to yours. He is a hyper-sensitive as well. Routines are imperative! Consistent communication of expectations and follow-thru with discipline. My husband and I are naturally more “fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants” kind of parents so it has been a struggle for us to parent him. Call Margie, she is the program director. She will tell you all about the program and set up a consultation with Dr. Schmakel. Good luck!
I’m right there with you. I have an OT appointment to assess my son next Tuesday. After years (he’s four) of not knowing why he does the things he does (he’s a “sensory” seeker for touch), reacts the way he does, and what propels him to do things he knows is wrong (“I just told you not to hit/kick/pinch/etc, yet you just did it again!”), I’m so relieved to have a possible answer and some hope. Fingers crossed things get a little easier from here!
I am a therapist which really doesn’t necessarily hold any weight here because I would have to see your son in front of me to diagnose him. However, I have a grown son who is on the Autism spectrum and I have a nephew who has Asperger’s. Truthfully, everything you are describing fits into that category, it does not fit ADHD. Asperger’s produces brilliant children who have sensory disorders and have trouble with chaos, loud sounds, social situations, lack of structure. Some of the most gifted musicians have autism. I really urge you to have him evaluated by a Psychiatrist because Asperger’s is something that needs to be addressed before he starts school. Kids with this often need a quiet learning environment and loads of structure. There is lots of information about this diagnosis out there. Educate yourself and let yourself off the hook. No matter what, he sounds like an awesome kid who has parents who adore him. In the end, that is all that matters.
This is a great post! I have the “payback” child my self. I hate to hear that considering my daughter just now (5yrs old) starting hitting her older sisters only & yet all other cousins have been hitting, biting & pushing for years. My absolute favorite is that my daughter caused the other kids to act the way they do. My daughter has NEVER bit anyone but it’s her fault. My husband was convinced it was a phase but I am worrying now that that she has started school. I worry everyday as I put her on the bus that she won’t make it through the day without crying or getting upset at another kid for picking up the toy she put down. Thank you so much for the blog & I will be doing my research!
Btw: I love reading your posts. I just found them & laughed my head off catching up on them. So glad things are good with you!