I’m high on fame and diet pills.

by Meredith on September 17, 2010

If you’re here from Aunt Becky’s site, pull up a chair.  We won’t be discussing John C. Mayer today, but thanks for stopping by, and I hope you come back again real soon.

***

Do you ever go back home?  Like back to your old hometown where you went to high school and attended prom, and developed eating disorders and twitchy aversions to Usher’s song, “You Make Me Wanna”?

Some of you may enjoy this experience, but for me it’s hive inducing.  The thought of going back there always makes my crotch and armpits sweat.

I don’t know what it is about going back.  But I think it was the Hell that I went through in high school.

I mean, I was freaking popular.  I think.  Maybe.  So why did it suck so bad?

Maybe it was Hell because my dad was our principal, and he was giving my friends detentions like it was Halloween candy, and all of the teachers either kissed my ass and gave me A’s or made my life miserable because they thought that I knew what their performance reviews stated (I didn’t).

Maybe it was Hell because I was obsessed with my boyfriend, Burt, and my life revolved around him and his shitty quarterback skills.  Oh, and he cheated on me with my friends.  So I kind of hated my friends, too.  Which resulted in serious girl trust issues.

Anyway, I went back last night.  I went back with one of my only remaining friends from high school, Brittany.

Brittany and I went to the Meet the Moms Networking Night.  We were invited under what were clearly false pretenses on Facebook.  I was pretty sure that the old townsfolk wanted us to go back home and tell them how I we  (okay!) SHE became this famous blogger.  And in my mind, we were going to walk in the room and everyone was going to applaud and tell us how famulous (famous + fabulous = famulous, look it up) we are and also ask for our autographs.

Obviously this did not happen.

Instead, we paid $1 to enter the room (Um?  Famulous people have to pay to get in?), got whispered about, dirty looks were shot our way, and we had no choice but to order some wine from the bar.

ME:  Why are we even here?
BRITTANY:  I don’t know.  This is like a fucking craft show or something.  Are we supposed to be buying stuff?
ME:  Didn’t you think this was a networking thing?
BRITTANY: Do you want to leave?
ME:  Totally.  Ooo!  Cake!

ME:  Oh my gosh.  The cake was sponsored by the Swanton Posse Coalition!  Do you remember those guys?

The Swanton Posse Coalition ( the SPC) was the closest thing to a gang that our little town would ever see.  They were the bad boys.  By bad, I mean the worst thing they did was smoke pot, pick fights, toilet paper houses, and stay out past curfew.  And they also wore purple bandannas (our school color, yo!) to show their unity and toughness.

The SPC drove my dad and Burt nuts.  My dad was sick of being toilet papered every weekend by these guys.  And Burt was constantly picked on, after losing a football game, by the SPC because they would never leave home and go off to college.  Swanton High School football was their life.

Oh, and did I mention that I was absolutely in love with one of them?  Tony Robinson.

Tony Robinson was the leader of these bad boys.  And he showed the slightest interest in me my Senior year.  It was totally awesome because a) I had a boyfriend who cheated on me all the time so I finally had some competition for him and b) because he was smoking hot and three years older and c) because every girl likes a bad boy (even if you do spend half of your weekend cleaning the toilet paper mess out of your yard).

Burt always thought that something was going on with me and Tony.  Probably because I drew little hearts on all of my notebooks with the initials T. R. in them.  Or it could be because one night I went to a party at an SPC member’s house and when Burt showed up, the SPC told him I was sleeping (at a party?) so he left.

Burt, after all of these years, I would like to come clean about that night.  I was totally making out with Tony in the basement at that party.  I knew you were outside.  But there was some heavy petting going on and it was very exciting since I had only ever really made out with you up until this point.  And I did feel his HUGE boner through his jeans as we were dry-humping.  I never told you because a) you always cheated on me so I figured I could have a hall pass on this one and b) because you always cheated on me so I figured I could have a hall pass on this one.

I think my cheating secret will still be safe since I doubt that Burt is one of my five readers.

Anyway… Tony Robinson was the hottest member of the SPC…. wait.  I think I got sidetracked there.  Back to Meet the Moms…

ME:  Oh my gosh. The cake was sponsored by the Swanton Posse Coalition! Do you remember those guys?
BRITTANY:  Dude.  That stands for Swanton Parents Club.
ME:  So Tony Robinson isn’t here?
BRITTANY:  No, but did you see what Sarah is wearing?  O.M.G.
ME:  Let’s eat something.  I’m soooo hungry.
BRITTANY:  No way!  We are NOT eating in front of these bitches.

No one asked us for our autograph or even gave a shit about our lives.  And I didn’t even recognize half of the people.  I ordered guacamole dip mix from my high school cheerleading coach.  And we ditched the Meet the Moms meeting after a half hour to go eat chicken wings and find more wine (because apparently Brittany is still clinging to high school eating disorder issues and wouldn’t eat in front of these hometown PTA bitches).  Without judgy-ness.

I can’t believe I was all stressed and spent $45 on a new shirt just for that.  If I could get a redo, I would have just hung out with Brittany in my sweat pants and drank wine out of a box at her fancy house (without all the hives, armpit and crotch sweat).  High school sucked, and I don’t ever have to go back there again.

Yay for being a grown up!

{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

MommieV1

After being gone for 18 years I moved back to my hometown. I come home with a terminal degree and a somewhat prestigious job, but I still have the armpit and crotch sweat.

Makes me wonder if there’s anything I can do to help my daughter through high school with more shallow scars than I had.

Reply

Brittany

I DO know what you mean, and I am totally gonna go throw up right now. Like, NOT on purpose.

Reply

Allison Zapata

Did you really used to fuck someone named Burt?

Reply

Meredith

First, know that he was hot and also the quarterback. So cheating and being named Burt was totally fine with me because he helped improve my social status. Second, know that my mom was terrified about this. She would say, “Meredith, do you really want your wedding napkins to read Meredith and Burt?” And then I would get mad at her and go make out with him. Also, yes, he was the one who got the cherry (if you know what I mean).

Reply

Rinnie Kirk

UGH! I still live 20 minutes from my hometown and can’t EVER go out to any of the relatively “cool” bars (as cool as it gets in my area) without there being a freaking class reunion. By class reunion I mean people run up to me like we were best friends if we had the same class together and said hello twice. The people who ignore me are the people I actually kind of hung out with. Even though I’m there with my completely awesome new friends I still feel super awkward!

Reply

Rpking9961

I hated it to!! Odd thing is, we bought a house back in my home town…I know I’m a glutton for punishment but OOOOOOOWWWWW the gossip I can tell people now!!

Reply

OS/NS Mom

I gotta tell you, that cake would have convinced me to stay too. When there is pastry involved, sign me up!

Reply

The Coupon Goddess

OMG I can totally relate with this post. I’ve strangely enough been through something similar minus the huge boner in the jeans part. However I was the unpopular girl who was the chubette and came back years later as the hottie. In the end torturous popular girls were fat and I was the thin one so it should have been awesome right? Nope, they were still just as catty. Some things never change. Following you now.

Reply

Vivie

You can always do what I did and move 2000 miles away…and be anonymous on FB. That seems to do the trick :)

Reply

Suniverse

Here via Aunty Becky. I’m loving you already.

I have zero interest in going back to my hometown or high school. Zero. It’s been a lot of years and although right now I only live a short drive away, I feel like I’m in another country.

Also, I would totally have cut the SPC out of the cake and eaten it.

Reply

N8lvr

You are so right! High school sucks. No need to re-visit it.

At least you got cake. :O)

Reply

Meredith

No! I didn’t get cake because freaking Brittany wouldn’t let us eat any out of fear of being called fat.

It was SOOOOOOOOO dramatic!…

Reply

mandi bones

I live 20 minutes from my hometown. When my daughter started Kindergarten this year there was 4 people I went to high school with.Plus the teacher’s aide went to our high school. I also I married my high school sweetheart. (I promise I am not lame) It sucks because I don’t have any friends around because I moved passed high school and the cliques.

Reply

Carol

My daughter asked if I was going to fly from Utah to Maryland for my high school reunion and I said ” I hated those people then, I’m certainly not going to pay money to hate them again.”

Reply

Meredith

The weird thing is that I would have DIED for these people at one point in time. When the pickings are slim….

Reply

SIL

This made me pee a little. I HATE going home…at least your parents dont live there anymore! We’re going to the town fair tomorrow for the baby contest…makes me want to slit my throat! I HATE seeing those people. But, you know my mom loves it!

Reply

Meredith

And you totally know that Lars won the cutest baby contest! So I totally dig your town fairs.

Reply

Jennifer

Oh my…yes I can relate very well to this! Going home ALWAYS makes me feel thirteen again, and not in a good way!
Cheers for taking the high road!

Reply

Brittany

I am so excited you wrote this.

SO. EXCITED.

I can’t wait to eat chicken wings and get drunk with you again very, VERY soon.

Reply

Meredith

Me either. Oh and the next time I am eating chicken wings…DON’T TWEET MY PICTURE!

Reply

Momma Chaos

Exactly why I will never go to one of my high school reunions.. Nothing back there is worth the armpit and crotch (and boob cuz my boobs will sweat- eww) sweat that will happen. High school sucked. I have absolutely no desire to see anyone from there ever again.

But hey– yay on you being BFFs with Brittany.. She’s who I want to be when I grow up- even if I am older. shut up.

Reply

Tom G.

Hmm… maybe you should pull a John C. Mayer on Tony Robinson?

Class of 1986, 63 students, woot! It’s been 24 years since graduation and I still have such issues that I blog about the hometown weekly.

My god I need a life…

Reply

Meredith

feel ya! I graduated with 98 people. It was a small town.

But in the sense of small towns, I really hope Tony Robinson reads this today when someone in the small town alerts him that his name is on the Internet. Because that would be AWESOME!

Oh, I also hope I get some hate comments from people in small town, because that means I made it in life.

Reply

kristen

Junior high sucked way more than high school.

Reply

Nic Satterwaite

High school so totally sucked. Your a better person then me, I would have done the latter and not even considered going.

Reply

Brooke

First off, S.C.P.??? wtf.

As someone who was dangerously close to going to Swanton High School, thank god my parents wanted to keep me in my school district and opted out.

Reply

Meredith

I am SURE I told you this story.

Reply

jenburriedwithchildren

You should have known. When anything comes for your from your old high school, you burn it.

Never look back.

Reply

BB

At our reunion–Dave couldn’t leave fast enough–although he did appreciate the $3 Blue Moons at Freebird. He is a total city boy and I clearly didn’t prep him enough for that night. I appreciated seeing guys(mostly from grades above us) I thought were cute, now totally bald, fat, and with girls that clearly haven’t seen a salon or a clinique chair EVER!

Reply

Francis

LOL I am from a small town and High School was cool!! I know I was popular (NOT) ;) I had a class of like 500 and hung out with 4!! I don’t go to reunions or even FB or look up old friends!! I kept the ones dear to me close!! I am still laughing…with you of course ;)

Reply

Jacque Gosch

Meredith, this is why I do not go to these things! I live in Holland like 4 miles away from there and I still refuse to go. I went to the stupid Cornfest——what an f-ing time vampire that was. And girl I could tell you some stories about Tony Robinson…….! lol

Reply

Cuteassin

my bff has been begging me for years to move back home, to small town hickville, where there were a total of 82 people in my graduating class … I’ve only been home 3 times in the 17 yrs since I graduated … every.single.time I couldn’t get out fast enough … your story so hits home! so glad I live 8 hours away from back home

Reply

Lori

This is exactly why I don’t go to my high school reunions, even though I only live 10 minutes away from my hometown. High school sucked and no way in hell do I want to relive it.

Reply

Lyndsey

I laugh out loud with probably…every post of yours! “Yep…he’s the one who got the cherry!” Hahahahahha. You’re so cool :)

Reply

Lindsay

Hahaha.. I totally remember Burt from Frickers days even… hilarious

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: