This is the story of Virginia the Vagina.
Virginia the Vagina has spewed out three kids. Two of them came out in a 17 month period. Today we are going to focus on that experience and how it has left her crippled. For life.
I married a man whose wiener is named, Horse. I guess the name is suitable because it most resembles that animal.
Horse and Virginia get along really well. They are best friends.
I got pregnant. Virginia got pissed.
She had already been through this once before (5 years earlier). They say that you forget the pain of giving birth, but Virginia still remembered. She remembered how it made her a wide gaping hole, and how sometimes she had embarrassing random queefs.
Virginia turned into a real bitch when she found out I was pregnant again. And she began to take her unhappiness out on me. I told her that I didn’t do this to her, it was Horse, but she didn’t care.
She was constantly pissing and moaning about how it felt like she was dragging on the ground and she could feel every piece of gravel as she scraped it. She was so pissed about this that she even started to smell kind of funny out of spite.
Bitch.
So I changed her name to Crotch. She would no longer be called something beautiful and elegant like Virginia, because she was getting uglier and uglier by the minute. And I do not tolerate that type of behavior.
Crotch was a mess when it was time to push out that next baby. Fear took over. I took her to the hospital, and she fell apart on me. Literally.
As my sweet little baby came down the birth canal, Crotch really started to freak out and she seized up. She just wouldn’t let him out. I pushed for three hours, and nothing.
She was being a real wimp about this whole birthing thing. So I changed her name to Pussy.
I told the doctor that I was okay with suction cupping my baby out. “Just get it out! I am not having a C-Section! Get this baby out of my Pussy!”
So he did. My baby came shooting out of Pussy at mach speed and ripped Pussy to shreds. Leaving her for dead.
Poor Pussy.
I actually felt very bad for her. Maybe she wasn’t as strong as she once was.
Oh well. I made her do it all over again 17 months later. Builds character.
Just because it seems more suiting, I now call her, Lucy.
Lucy doesn’t like to just be poked anymore. If she wants to actually feel something down there, she has to bang. Now Lucy only likes to bang Horse when I have had too much to drink.
I really think that Lucy has some very serious mental and emotional problems associated with her intense birthing experiences. I am pretty sure that is why we have to have some cocktails first. It helps her to forget. I have tried to have an intervention to get her help, but she is very resistant to trying anything that I want to do after I came up with the “let’s have two babies in 17 months” idea.
And that’s the True Hollywood Story of Virginia the Vagina (other known aliases include Pussy and Lucy).
THE END
PS - This is for the 2010 Vagina-logues writing contest that the Renegade Mom's (click on that) are hosting. If you win, you get nothing but publicity. I like publicity, so tell all of your friends to tell the Renegade Mom's that I rock.
PPS - Apparently, I must write about my vagina a lot because I was approached by them on Twitter (click on that).
PPPS - As you will see, my entry is over 300 words. And to that I say, suck it. I hate to follow rules, and I cut out over 800 words to get to this point. I had to cut out everything about other wieners that Virginia has encountered [including but not limited to] Dick (the cheater) and Peter (the punk rocker). They were pretty good stories, so I may or may not be a little bitter that they were whacked for the sake of time. The Renegade Moms also suck at following rules, so I am 99.9% sure that they will be okay with this over-wordage. Better go now. I am wasting too many words.
