I thought about this and came up with several ideas. I mean several.
Then I consulted with Shaun, my husband, and asked him what he thought.
ME: Honey, what is the thing that scares you the most about the way I mother the spawn.
SHAUN: (without any hesitation) You lie to them all the time.
ME: Shaun, that is just to save their lives.
SHAUN: Come on, Meredith. Lars thinks everyone in a wheelchair played in the street.
ME: Good. Keeps him out of the street. And screw you! You didn’t even have to think about that for a second.
So I pondered on this idea that my better half gave me, and I decided that if I really think about the things I am telling these kids about life - 90% of it is a lie. By these kids, it’s mainly the seven year old because the other two are babies, but I fully intend to tell the babies the same things.
LIE #1
I remember the very first time that my seven year old had a (I can’t believe I am sharing this) little stiffy. He was yelling, “Mommy, my wiener! My wiener!” from his bedroom.
ME: Shaun, go in there and tell him not to touch it!
SHAUN: Why? It’s natural.
ME: He’s 4! Not 14! Go tell him not to touch it! I don’t want the weird kid that is always grabbing at himself! We had to wait six months to get him in this pre-school!
SHAUN: You go talk to him if you feel so strongly about it. He’s fine.
ME: Lars, honey. Don’t play with your wiener. If you play with it too much you will go blind.
LARS: Is that why Daddy wears glasses?
ME: Yes. He is going blind.
LIE #2
LARS: Mommy, when you have the baby, how does it come out?
ME: Well, ummm...ummm….You just poop it out! Yes, I will just poop the baby out like a big pile of poop.
LARS: Will it be in the toilet when it comes out?
ME: Yes, but a special clean toilet without water and it’s at the hospital. And doctors will be there and they will help me.
LARS: Will it hurt?
ME: Just a little bit.
LARS: How did the baby get in there?
ME: God put it there.
LARS: Okay.
Whew…that was a close one.
LIE #3
LARS: Uncle Chris wants me to go tubing with him and my cousins on Lake Erie.
ME: No way.
LARS: But, Mommy, I will wear my life jacket.
ME: Nope. You are not going to get pulled behind a boat on a tube at 30 mph on a rough lake when you can’t even swim very well.
LARS: Mommy, please! Uncle Chris says that I will be fine in my life jacket.
ME: Uncle Chris is lying. You will be so wet and slippery that you will fall out of your life jacket and sink and die. Your arms will just slide right through the arm holes and it will come off over your head. No way, no how.
LIE #4
ME: You see that guy in a wheelchair?
LARS: Yes.
ME: Do you know why he is a wheelchair?
LARS: No.
ME: He was playing in the street and got hit by a car. I know his sister, and she told me that. The car ran right over his legs and now they don’t work. He can’t run or play or anything ever again. All because he was playing in the street and not watching for cars.
LARS: Mommy, I will always watch for cars.
ME: Good.
LIE #5
ME: Don’t talk to strangers.
LARS: Why?
ME: Because all strangers want to steal you and feed you lima beans and beat you.
LARS: Okay, I won’t talk to strangers.
ME: Good.
LIE #6
ME: Clean your room.
LARS: I don’t want to clean my room right now.
ME: If you don’t clean that room right now, I am calling Santa Claus and telling him to stop production on any toys for you! I have him on speed dial!
LARS: Okay, I’ll clean my room.
LIE #7
ME: See that bum over there on the corner?
LARS: Yes.
ME: He has to ask people for money and he doesn’t have anywhere to live. Isn’t that sad?
LARS: Yes.
ME: Do you know why he has to live like that and he doesn’t have a house and things like we do?
LARS: Why?
ME: Because he didn’t pay attention in school and he got red cards every day from his teacher. Me and Daddy got green cards everyday and that is why we have things.
LARS: Mommy, I am never going to be bad and get a red card again.
ME: Good.
So there it is. I have warped my child into thinking that things work the way I want him to think that they work. It makes it easier on me. And easy is what I am going for these days. I barely have enough space in my brain to remember to put on my damn deodorant every day. And if that makes me a Scary Mommy – then that is a title that I am proud to have.
14 comments:
Oh Meredith..whatever keeps them safe right??? haha..you are such a SUPER Mommy!! I am totally going to remember these lies to tell colton when he is older.
I have a friend that does this exact same thing with her kids. I keep waiting for it to bite her in the butt. She doesn't think that is as funny as I do. LOL
Haha! That is awesome!
I will totally be the same way with my kids one day!!
Love it!
What a great post! I tell some of the same lies to my kids. It's good for them. Good luck in the contest.
This is crazy. Meredith - that boy will be traumatized. My mother did this to my brother and I and let me share 2 stories because of it:
1. grocery store with mother - brother and I between ages 7 & 10 -contest on the bubble gum machine to win a trip to the North Pole - brother and me scrapping in the grocery line - on our way out, mother tells us she is going to send us to the north pole to live with Santa if we don't behave - puts us in her car and goes back in to grocery for minute because she forgot something - brother and me (secretly because I had to be strong for little brother) terrified we're headed to the North Pole to live with strangers (which will be the subject of my second story) - brother cries and I must console him that this won't happen although I am not completely convinced myself - brother and I live in fear for whole week that we're being shipped to the North Pole - mother to this day finds it funny.
2. age 13. I'm attempting to steal blowpops from grocery store with sneaky friend who convinced me to steal in the first place - mother has taught me that all strangers exist to abduct me and cut my head off (like the Adam Walsh boy in the 80's - led to the show Unsolved Mysteries - all 80's children know about this murder). I spy creepy man creeping around the end of the aisle eyeing me up -very nervous - pretty sure its my abductor (finally) coming to get me - run from store - leaving blowpops behind. Run to friends house about 1 mile away full speed - left friend at grocery store - must inform her mother of my close abduction and her daughter's impending one. Her mother cares not which to this day throws me for a loop. 13 year old girl panting about abductions and you don't get out of your bed to retrieve your own vunerable daughter? Friend comes home and is pissed I left her. I tell her about my close call and her close call she was oblivious to - friend could care less. WTF!!! Didn't your mom teach you about Adam Walsh?
As an adult now, pretty sure that abductor was store security privy to the fact that I was about to steal. Thanks to my mom, to this day, I am still leery of all strangers.
And these are 2 good reasons to not tell such outlandish lies to children.
I am dying over here--- those are hysterical!!!!
My children truly believe that I have eyes in the back of my head. The fact that I'm often on the computer with reflective screen only seals the deal for them. It's perfect!
I'm ok with lying. I told my 2 year old (when he was one) that Ba-bow (Blue's Clues) died....I was really stressed out.
S Club Mama - All I have to do is kill off Elmo? That is freakin' geniuos! Elmo dies tomorrow.
This is so funny. I love your lies. I tell some of the same ones but I never thought about it quite this way! Hilarious - and completely neccessary!
I am now following you fellow scary mommy!
Oh my. I am dying laughing over here. Is it okay if I steal the wheelchair lie? And the homeless person one? I think I might need those someday!
I applaud your originality.
I may just use a few of those! So hilarious.
That's hilarious! I always catch myself telling my toddlers little lies. Right now it's sometimes just easier than going through long winded detail they probably won't understand anyway. You've given me a glimpse of what these little lies will turn into when they're older. At least they make for funny stories!
I found you through The Wannabe WAHM (I figured how bad could her taste really be?) and she was right, you're pretty freakin' funny.
I totally lie to my 3-year-old because, like you said, it just makes things easier. If she happens to believe that the library won't open until she's a good girl and we're ready to leave the house, then that's just an added bonus.
I'm following you now so I can try to keep up with your hilarity!
ROFLMBO! Seriously, I lie to my kids all the time. The Santa on speed dial, I so do that. Same thing with the Tooth Fairy. Ha! That is hilarious.
My oldest asked me (we wathced Cheaper by the Dozen 2) what it meant when your water broke.. I am sure you could think what I told her.
Everyone tells me its gonna bite me one day, but hey, I don't want to break it so young, lol.
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