#VoicemailsAreDumbStopLeavingThem

by Meredith on August 21, 2014

I don’t normally look this stressed out, but when I do, it’s because I have 1,383 unheard voicemail messages.

No, for real, I am going to prove it to you:

Stop it with the voicemails.

Please stop leaving voicemails.

I know I can’t be alone on this.

#VoicemailsAreDumbStopLeavingThem

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Sex every single day? #GTFO.

by Meredith on August 18, 2014

Shaun: “Huh. Yet another woman is on the news who had sex every single day with her husband.”

Me: “I call BS. And why is this even newsworthy? I’ll tell you why – because it’s unreal.”

Shaun: “I want sex every single day.”

Me: “Good luck with that.”

There seems to be this new trend. Sex every night. I’ve seen no less than five news stories/highly shared blog posts in the past year about it from various women and men on the topic.

But one article/news story (click here), in particular, bothers me. Her five reasons are because women feel stripped of their femininity after childbirth, women should treat their husbands like a man, having a moment for the two of you, relieving stress, and sex is fun.

Listen girls, most husbands aren’t getting laid every day. I know because I talk about sex with my girlfriends. None of us are screwing every single day.

But what ends up happening after these news stories and blog posts is this…

WOMEN FEEL SHITTY ABOUT THEIR SEXUALITY FOR NOT HAVING DAILY SEX.

So ladies, let me take this pressure away from you. You’re totally normal. The reason we keep seeing these stories popping up is because sex every single day isn’t normal or practical or realistic. And also? I call BULLSHIT. I’ll let you in on a little secret… you can’t believe everything you read on the internet or see on the news.

But please show this article to your husband, since no one seems to be talking about why women don’t want to have sex all the time. I will fall on this sword for us.

So put your panties back on, girls, because this article is about to get really real.

MY GIRL BRAIN ISN’T HORNY EVERY SINGLE DAY. #GTFO.

I don’t think about sex all the time. This doesn’t bother me.

I will admit that I am hornier now in my dirty 30′s, but it’s a practical adult-like horny. I’m not playing DJ on my cookie when I’m stuck in traffic (Do I push that button every now and then? Certainly – it’s much quicker and less messy than sex).

Even people who claim to have sex every single day will tell you they had to force themselves to be in the mood.

I don’t want to force myself to have sex… BECAUSE IT IS FORCED SEX.

I want it to happen naturally. Like on Saturday nights between the third and fifth glass of wine. Horniness naturally sets in around 11:30pm. The kids are in bed, we’re hanging out, and all of the things I think about all day long have been washed away by the power of alcohol. Let’s get it on!

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There you go, husbands! Want more sex? Keep wine around the house.

Because most girl brains? They’re complicated. We have to get in the mood. And this isn’t something that just happens, no matter what the Every-Day-Club will tell you.

PERSONAL SPACE IS A MOTHER F-ER FOR MOTHERS. #GTFO. 

Sometimes you just want to sit quietly, by yourself, and decompress. Especially if you’re a mother. My husband can poop in peace. But me? No way. Someone has to talk to me outside of the door or try to come inside.

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#GTFO

Desiring personal space seems pretty normal.

OUR SEX IS BETTER/KINKIER/MORE PASSIONATE/LASTS LONGER THAN YOUR DAILY SEX. I PROMISE. #GTFO.

I don’t believe that the Every-Day-Club isn’t having pull-your-panties-to-the-side-and-just-get-it-over-with-sex.

When we have sex, sometimes it lasts for a very long time. We’ve been known to have sex for hours with multiple orgasms, sprinkled with passionate kisses and confessions of love, body worship, and adoration.

I would rather have that kind of sex. It certainly holds me over for a few days. And yes, after our sex hang-overs, we are holding hands and sneaking kisses in the kitchen. You don’t need to knock boots on the daily to be affectionate or have a solid marriage.

I promise.

I AM MAD AT MY HUSBAND TODAY. #GTFO.

Having sex when the sight of him makes you want to scream… seems unhealthy. We have shit we need to work out before any panties are being dropped.

The argument here is that by having sex every single day, you argue less. Listen, we don’t have major arguments often. And when we did argue all the time (click here to read about that time we almost got a divorce), it’s because we had other things we needed to get figured out in our life.

Sex Band-Aids weren’t going to fix these issues.

Which begs the question, are people who are having sex every day just insecure in their relationships? Are you really arguing less? Are you afraid of what will happen if you don’t have sex for a few days? A week? Two weeks?

Work on your relationship first, and have make-up sex. Make-up sex is some of the best sex ever. What happens in your relationship when you can’t see the forest for the trees?

I AM MORE THAN MY VAGINA. #GTFO.

The part about making your man feel like a man is fucking humorous to me.

If I wanted to worry about making a man feel like a man, through the use of my vagina, I wouldn’t have gotten married. That was called… wait for it… college. It was insecure and questionable time in my life. I am now a grown up.

I married Shaun because he is my best friend and now life partner. I didn’t marry him because I needed to be worried that he would stray away from me if I didn’t wrap my personal flesh light around his stick nightly.

BODY ISSUES. #GTFO.

Sometimes you just feel real fat. Like, after you ate a giant dinner and you just want to lay on the couch and have farty garlic regrets.

And what about your period? Come on, we’ve all done the deed with a towel under our ass, but when you have blood clots the size of your hand pouring out of you, come talk to me about how you just can’t wait to have a big ‘ol penis in ‘ya.

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And after you have a baby? The doctor may say six weeks, I say more like nine. Push a baby out of your vagina sometime, boys. Then we can chat about the terror of putting anything back inside for the first time.

And when I’m sick? Go away. Just get away from me. Let me lay here and think about how I wish my husband would load the dishwasher so I can just lay here.

I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE. I AM JUST TIRED, STRESSED OUT, OR BUSY PARENTING THINGS. #GTFO.

To dismiss daily life as a reason not to want sex is really fucking dumb.

It is OKAY to not want to do it because your kid is up all night puking. It is OKAY not to put out because your friend hurt your feelings today.

I’m not Harry Potter. I can’t just magic my way to the good part and yell, “Sexpecto!“. I am a human. Not a wizard. And being human is OKAY.

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I JUST DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX TODAY. #GTFO.

Let’s be honest. Not many people want to have sex every single day. Even people with wieners don’t want to have sex every day. They just say they do because the others boys are saying they do, too.

Sure, men want to have sex. And yes, shockingly, so do women. But every single day? Give me a fucking break.

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I know, I know… Someone is going to leave a comment about how they do want to have sex every single. That’s fine, YOUYOU go on ahead and bang it out on the regular. But please stop making us feel like shit because our libido isn’t like yours. And stop making us feel like shit because we don’t want a libido like yours

The Real Housewives is coming on at 10pm. It’s the only show I watch regularly. Shhhh…. Get off of me.

How often are you having sex?

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The Medium

July 24, 2014

After a long talk with Shaun, I had decided not to make this a blog post and open it up for the entire world to see. There were personal and professional reasons for this. Instead, I wrote about this experience in this forum for women, and the questions kept rolling in. As the days have [...]

22 comments Read the full article →

Sunday Funnies: Husbands & Dinner

July 13, 2014

Super Nanny keeps things running smoothly around here. With her help, it’s all very Pleasantville. But sometimes I’ll send her home early if I’ve worked late the night before. This is how my husband reacts on the “send-Super-Nanny-home-early” days: His confusion is adorable. Is this how your husband reacts to lack of dinner?

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Everything fell into place. #GirlPower

June 6, 2014

I’m not selling cars anymore. I know, shocking. I was really good at it, and I enjoyed it, but something just wasn’t right inside of me. I was unsettled. I felt like something was calling me. Probably the aliens (but Shaun says I am not allowed to talk about my alien conspiracy theories online – [...]

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#CampThrowback (also known as: #WTF have I agreed to?)

May 29, 2014

I’m so agreeable when it comes to Brittany Gibbons. Seriously. This woman should sell cars. BRITTANY: Hey, I am hosting this social media camp thingy, and I want you to be a camp counselor. ME: Cool! What sessions do you want me to teach? BRITTANY: Well, it’s more like a non-conference that’s four days, where [...]

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Everyone’s a food critic.

May 19, 2014

Those chips are fattening. Are those on your diet?  This is what a man said to me the other day, as I was eating a bag of chips from the vending machine. I responded by simply licking my fingers. I shouldn’t have to explain my food choices to anyone, or even feel the need to [...]

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Should I hire a realtor? Probably. Otherwise it will wind up like the time I thought I could tile my shower by simply watching YouTube videos.

May 16, 2014

This is my master bathroom shower. Two years ago, Shaun and I decided that we could rip out the fiberglass installed shower (SUCCESS!) and install a tile one… ALL. BY. OURSELVES. BY. WATCHING. YOUTUBE. VIDEOS. (FAIL!) This other time we patched our wall after watching YouTube videos. YouTube videos are great for learning things like The [...]

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The Seven Year Itch Series: Seven Years TODAY

May 12, 2014

Holy. Shit. Is today May 12th? Did Facebook really just save the day and remind me that today is our anniversary? I swear sometimes I’m the dude in this relationship. I forget important dates all the time. For the first three years of Logan’s life, I could have sworn his birthday was March 9th, instead [...]

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It Builds Character

May 9, 2014

Dear Lars, I’m super sorry about this morning. You know I would never normally get out of the Traverse or hold up traffic in the school’s drop off lane. But today I had no choice. Your brother’s book bag was stuck on his booster seat. I had to get out and help him. And then [...]

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