I get it.

I’m a mother of three children, and trust me, my kids are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. So let’s begin with that.

But here’s the thing, today I landed two more accounts, and THAT is a pretty major financial success for my little start-up social media agency. It was a big day, full emotions.

1. Nervous. SO NERVOUS! What if they turn me down? What if I say the wrong thing? I’ve been waiting for this meeting for a month. 

2. Rehearsing, redrafting, and rewriting this pitch two more times… After all, they have 11 locations, this would make three that I manage, and I eventually want every single one. 

3. Presented the pitch. BOOM! They signed up for not one, but two locations. I was starting immediately. YASSSSSSSS!

4. My first call was to my husband, who says, “This calls for wine and your favorite steak! I’ll get a babysitter! I’m so proud of you. Great job.”

You see, even though it’s just a Monday for you, this was a pretty major day for my career. Did you know I had a business plan written for this for three years before I finally got the courage to pull the trigger and own my own company? No, you probably didn’t.

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You can see where this is going… I went out to eat, some kids were going crazy, and it ruined our babysitter-night-out as a couple.

I actually represent bars and restaurants, and I was a waitress and bartender through college. So I want to tell you why I truly despise you and your parenting abilities during times like these. And don’t think I’m alone on this. I asked my friends. They had a lot to say about kids in restaurants, too.

1. This was a really special day for me. And your misbehaving kids ruined it.

Let’s start there.

We probably go out to eat more than most people, because it is my JOB. However, date nights are few and far between. We need them like we need air.

Also, I have a client/human ratio. I will have to hire more people to be able to handle more clients. So this is a celebration of growth and prosperity for us.

Maybe someone else was celebrating a birthday or anniversary.

Why do your kids get to ruin that moment by climbing all over the stools at the bar, where I asked to be seated, so we could AVOID your children?

And yeah, maybe it’s just a small local tavern, but this place is special to me. They have that pinot noir I like… and those steaks! OMG! THOSE STEAKS!

Tara Miller: Ever since Mike and I have been able to go out alone, we always get put next to the screaming kids. It never fails! Yeah, your kid is cute. Now make them go away!

2. It’s expensive.

Our bill was $70 for two steaks and a bottle of wine (before the tip). We were only there for 45 minutes because of your rowdy children. Plus, we were paying a babysitter. Add another $20, for the sitter, for driving all the way over to my house, on a Monday night, just to be sent home way early. #CheckPlease

Lucretia Pruitt: There is nothing more annoying as a parent than paying for a babysitter so you can have an ‘adult night out’ and finding yourself with the people who not only don’t have a babysitter, but also take their kids someplace inappropriate and then expect everyone else to look after them.

Bernadette Meyer: My biggest pet peeve! We only get date nights once in a great while and it never fails that we get put right next to the table of kids with parents who don’t control them. We have left many restaurants with take out, bc if we go somewhere and they misbehave we are not going to ruin it for others. I have also been at family dinners at restaurants and have taken my daughter and went and sat out in the car until she was done throwing a tantrum and would sit down quietly. It is not fair to others!

3. When my kids are bad, we get boxes and leave. Because RESPECT. So I assume you just don’t care about anyone besides your selfish-self. 

My children are 12, 7, and 5-years-old. There was a time when we would order food, boxes, and then check all at the same time. Why? Because if they couldn’t hack it, they knew we would box it up and LEAVE.

It doesn’t matter how they felt about it. They are children. The rest of the diners deserve respect. I’m in charge.

We also have zero qualms about handing them iPads or our phones in a time of need. If they absolutely cannot sit still, I have Minecraft on my phone. It holds them over until the food arrives. Or we just leave.

Mandy Fishburn: I have never understood people who are outraged with kids on electronics at restaurants. Kids with headphones are blissfully quiet.

4. The bar is no place for children.

For real, though.

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We specifically ask to sit at the bar on “date nights” to avoid children. We eat dinner there. We split a bottle of wine there. Why? Because there aren’t any children.

But besides us, have you ever actually sat at a bar and listened to people talk? It can become an alcohol fueled assembly of potty-mouthed sailors, drunken liars, and singles on the prowl.

The bar, my friends, is an exciting place, but it is no place for children. Get your kids AWAY from the barstools! Never would I ever allow my child to sit at the bar.

And that Megatouch game in the corner? It has inappropriate games for your little cupcakes. Do you really want them photo hunting through nude photos?

Marypoppins Inheels: No matter where you’re seated, you shouldn’t have to deal with loud, all over the place kids. Really. What the fuck. Teach your kids how to be in public. It’s good for them and for everyone else.

Traci Robinette: It’s on the parents for being dicks, but it’s also kinda on the bartender. It’s their job to tell kids to scram and not be in the bar area.

Brie Godfrey: I would never let my kids sit at a bar!

Exactly, bartenders! I never ever allowed children to sit at the bar back in my day. The patrons DESPISE it. You should have full control of that bar at all times. If the parents won’t control their children, unfortunately, it is now your job.

5. Get your elbows off of my table.

Manners. Find them.

This isn’t about your children putting elbows on the table. It’s about your children putting their elbows on MY table.

It’s about them crying so loudly that we can’t even hold a conversation. It’s about them running around like tiny drunk toddlers. It’s about you saying, “One more time, and we are going to the bathroom!”

TAKE THEM TO THE DAMN BATHROOM, ALREADY! We’re all done with your empty threats.

Anja Mottern: I don’t go to Chuck-e-cheese and drink, so don’t bring your kids to the bar!!

Meghan Biggs: Biggest pet peeve is when oblivious parents let their kids turn around in the seat and stare at you. Hate that. HATE. IT. I usually make a scary face and growl at them. Works like a charm. I also correct my children if they try this shit. If they keep being dicks we leave. End of story.

6. It’s late. Take them home.

Just. Take. Them. Home.

You’re a horribly selfish parent. Kids aren’t perfect. They are tiny people, who can’t hang. And you just keep pushing them beyond what they can handle.

Why have I hired a babysitter at this hour and you didn’t? Can’t afford one? STAY THE F*CK HOME.

Joli Crow: Our rule for our kids is – If you can’t use your manners and respect the other patrons, you don’t get to join the Moms for a dinner out. They aren’t always perfect, but we try to take them to kid friendly places and save the nicer stuff for when they are older. Nothing works my nerves faster than parents who won’t parent.

7. They are going to get trampled, and the business is going to have to file a Workers’ Compensation Claim, and you’ll end up suing them. 

The aisle between our tables is no place to whip out cars and trucks. I cannot tell you the number of times I have tripped over a small child with a tray full of food. Do you even realize how much these trays weigh? Or the type of balance it takes to hold it up above your head?

Nuala Reilly: We had that happen not too long ago. The parents were letting their TODDLERS play in the aisle with a bunch of small toys they brought. Two waitresses almost fell over or tripped over them. One of the kids walked to our table and stood there staring at us until we asked the parent to please get her. An the parents called us rude when we made a comment about the mess on the floor. My kids have always known that a restaurant is a treat. They are all teens and older but we still get comments on how well behaved they are. So sorry you guys had to sit through that.

Heidi Herbster: I work in a bar/restaurant and its unbelievable how parents just let their kids run around. I had to tell a young kid to stop running a few months ago and the dad gave me attitude. I told him fine let him run around and if one of my waitresses drops anything because of him that its his responsibility to pay for the loss. He didn’t make him sit down!

Traci Robinette: I used to waitress at a Rainforest Cafe, and one of the biggest problems was parents letting kids go rolling around the restaurant on those sneakers that have wheels in the heels. Like, just rolling around corners as fast as they can go, where servers are trying to navigate with trays of drinks and such. Like, seriously? What the fuck, parents? I get that it was a family restaurant, but it’s also a place of business and I can’t work with that shit happening. A co-worker of mine actually had one run into her and she spilled some stuff on the family of the kid. They demanded that their meal be comped because of it and the manager told them no, because it was their fault the drinks were spilled and they shouldn’t let their kid roll around the restaurant. Watching him tell them no was one of the greatest moments of my waitressing career.

8. It’s beyond rude. Period. Wrangle your little brats. 

Ouch.

That was harsh.

The truth hurts! They are being brats. B-R-A-T-S.

You are the boss of the small people in your house. Act like it. You’re a damn mess as a parent, and the entire place is judging you for it. We’re all looking at each other and saying, “Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.”

It’s true. We’re all saying that under our breath. BECAUSE WE ARE SPENDING A FORTUNE AND PISSED OFF. You’re making your family’s namesake look awful.

Try to defend this, and I’ll explain, in detail, why you suck.

Anyway, it was my special day. And your little brats ruined it. I didn’t say anything because I am far too pretty for bar fights and jail. So we left.

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Now you know. #SorryNotSorry #WrangleYourBrats

THE END

{ 24 comments }

Most Likely To #Secede?

by Meredith on April 12, 2015

We drove from Toledo, Ohio to Sanibel Island, Florida this week.

It was the best vacation ever. Exactly what we needed. Thank you, Florida! As always, you were very hospitable.

Anyway, this post isn’t about seeing dolphins, the best seafood restaurants, or giant seashells.

This post is about a particular billboard we passed along the way:

secede south

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

(That’s the sound of me laughing out loud.)

(I actually hate typing “LOL” because I feel like it’s a lie. No one LOLs as often as they type it. Maybe you gave a little half-smile-that-others-can-see, which should be shortened to HSTOCS. I prefer to write, “Hahaha!”. But it felt right in this case, since I literally laughed out loud.)

You guys. This isn’t really a “thing”, is it?

This has to be some small group of backwoods rednecks, who didn’t get the memo. It certainly cannot be reflective of how people living in The South actually feel. It just can’t be, right?

Because I have news for you, that pesky War of Northern Aggression ended a long time ago. And guess what, we’re going to go ahead and stick together as The United States of America.

After I saw this billboard, I began to notice that there are Confederate flags flying along I-75. Yes, I saw some American flags, but I was alarmed to see how many Confederate flags flew. And they flew without an American flag. 

My immediate thought was, “Holy Toledo! They really do want out.”

Editor’s Note: I wasn’t sure if I should capitalize the F in “flag” with the word Confederate. Is this a proper noun? I searched Google. The first result came from North Carolina State University’s Writing Lab. Apparently, I am not the only one unsure about how proper to be in this instance. What I discovered is the Associated Press doesn’t capitalize the F. But I can capitalize it if I am making a political statement. According to NCSU’s Writing Lab, “In this case, that honorary status would place the Confederate Battle Flag over the American flag in importance.” I think I will just stick with the Associated Press rules on the matter, because that is about to be my point.

Continuing on… I was shocked. My husband was shocked. We don’t see stuff like that up here. Giant billboards that say, “#GTFOSouth!” just don’t exist.

Why? Because we love The South. We love to vacation in your paradise. We love your adorable accents (you just seem like a nicer human when you have a Southern Drawl). We love your food and sweet tea. You have the best manners. And we super love your big hair.

So I’m giving the Confederate flag a pass. I am just going to assume, for the sake of this article, that you are just proud to be from The South.

Let’s talk about those darn billboards. 

What the actual eff?

(I read this to my dad, and he asked me to remove all cuss words. He said he raised me with a better vocabulary than that. So I refuse to say “fuck”.)

(Shit. I said it on accident so you would know why I said “eff” instead today.)

(I mean, “crap”. Not “shit”. Crap.)

(Sorry, Dad.)

I did a little research on leagueofthesouth.com. Let me assure you, these guys are racists. Uncool.

They’re a tiny group of people hiding behind freedom of speech and their religious views to spew hate, and they wrap it up in nice little sayings about how the government has too much control – so they want out.

I fully believe in the First Amendment. It’s awesome. Say whatever you want. But just because you can say whatever you want to say, it doesn’t mean that someone like me shouldn’t point out (with my First Amendment rights) that you’re being giant douche bags with your billboards.

What happened to being proud to be an American?

Okay, so they are a small group of collective idiots. Fine. So why even talk about this billboard?

Because.

Because for being the land of the free and the home of the brave, we certainly haven’t been very free or brave lately when it comes to accepting one another as Americans.

This isn’t an exclusive southern “thing”. We collectively suck as a country lately. 

North vs. South isn’t even a real issue (which is why the billboard is so funny – I give all of you permission to LOL if you ever drive by one of them).

Read: You’re stuck with the rest of THE United States of America, League of the South. #SorryNotSorry #LetsBeFriends

Mainstream media makes us this way. 

They show us what they want us to see. We seem forced into these extreme political party boxes by Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN.

I would say most of us aren’t overwhelmingly left or right politically. I would say most of us are somewhere in the middle. The majority of us have lots of small and unique political, social, and personal issues all over the board, that develop into huge political issues.

This is what I mean by that; It’s pretty well known that I support gay guys eating catered pizzas and cakes at their weddings. Knowing this, you probably assume that I’m some extreme political leftist, with an “agenda” (we like to use the word “agenda”, as if we are all hiding our true intentions somewhere), who maybe isn’t a very good Christian.

You’re wrong! Why would you think that? Because this one social issue threw me into a political party in your brain?

I actually believe in: Flat taxes, ending the war on drugs, I LOVE me some Jesus, I own a gun, I don’t support healthcare reform as it is, global warming is at the top of my anxiety list, I think it’s cool that our money says “In God We Trust”, government spending is out of control, and not that it’s any of your business, but I did not vote for President Obama.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t respect our President, our country, your religious beliefs, your political views, and generally nice people.

OF COURSE we will have political differences. Does that make either of us right or wrong? YES! We both get to be special snowflakes, who are always right about everything, as long as we aren’t acting like tyrants.

When you act like a tyrant about someone’s beliefs, skin color, living in The North, or sexual orientation (to name a few issues), just make your beliefs seem more valid, you don’t make a very good point, and people tune you out. Pretty much everyone is like that, by the way. Being a tyrant is the worst recruiting method ever. For example, memes of Sarah Palin, riding on a dinosaur, holding The Bible, saying Christians don’t understand how science works? It shuts me down. You just bashed my religious beliefs to make yourself feel better. It feels… billboard-y.

Editors Note: In no way am I saying I suffer from any sort of religious persecution. I’m just saying it isn’t nice, and it makes me not like you because you made fun of the core of my beliefs. I find it totally silly when American Christians say they struggle to practice their religion (*ahem* like the white people over at the League of the South – they basically hit the lottery as far as American demographics go – yet they want to leave). Let’s all LOL together about that. 

We don’t even need giant billboards to display our hatred. Lots of Americans wear ugliness around like badges of honor every single day. It’s our First Amendment right, after all. 

We’re really divided over a bunch of things right now as a nation. Indiana pizza shops? Divided. Ferguson? Divided.

We’ve been acting like morons.

It’s childish to morph into a bunch of separate hate groups. And that is what I see happening all over our country. We HATE people who are different.

Look at your Facebook News Feed. It’ll take you a maximum of five minutes to find someone who is in some kind of ridiculous American political turmoil.

You don’t think just like me? Let me call you some names, and say something that makes me look like a total bigot. I won’t even realize what an asshole I look like to the people I’m offending. WHEEEEE! 

Pull yourselves together, Americans. Your slip is showing starting to #secede…

l

And we can all agree it’s a little tacky.

{ 32 comments }

I’m going to tell you what everyone is saying about your latest MLM venture, just not to your face. #SorryNotSorry

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The 15 Best Things About Working From Home

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Leggings Are Not Pants

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Takedown Culture

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I’ve noticed something very disturbing in the past few years, and it just keeps getting worse. Social media has developed this nasty place of taking each other down. We love nothing more than to see a thread of comments, 152 deep, where people are ripping each other apart and being nasty. And when we show [...]

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